I have no context for this picture, and no memory. This was the same trip as the 'campground bathroom episode'.
I was 6. I had just been taken from my mother in Florida. Everyone and everything was strange to me.
I dunno. I just know this picture makes me look already separated from the herd.
They dressed me like a boy. People were always thinking I was a boy. I think it was cheaper? But also, they didn't give a fuck about what I would prefer. I have no idea if I would have liked pink or not - I was never asked. It never occurred to me.
ReplyDeleteThat is a very striking and poignant picture, Gladys. What memories do you have before this move? It sounds like it was so abrupt, you were never given a chance to organically grow into that family, yk?
ReplyDeleteTW
Yeah TW - I had no idea that I even HAD sisters. One day a man showed up at the shithole apartment I lived in with my mother and my baby brother, the next thing I know I'm on an airplane (what's an airplane??) next to this man who is "my father" (what's a father?) and then I live with THIS family.
DeleteNo context. No discussions. No preparation. I wasn't sad to leave the awful specter that was my mother, it was just another day.
I have an idea about what was either going down or was about to go down there in Florida. There is a reason I learned to disassociate. And there is an explanation for how much I knew about sex and S&M and a lot of other things by the time I was 6-years old. I have no illusions that of the two evils, I got out on the easy side.
Frying pan or fire *shrug* just another day.
We were like furniture. They just moved us around whenever and wherever they wanted. Never occurred to them that we might be scared or upset to be relocated without any idea why. We weren't people to them. Maybe we were burdens or reminders of something unpleasant.
DeleteWhat does it matter really? We're not the fuck-ups, they are!
I dunno, Mulder... I guess it will matter to me until I get to where I let it go. Having these photo albums has started me remembering more things, or at least I have proof of stuff like this picture.
DeleteI've been tossing around writing a book - more a series of stories, really. But then, maybe it's just ME who finds it all fascinating, lol.
Write it! I've already got the title for mine if I ever wrote it. Of course, it would have to fall under "Fiction" because no one would believe it.
DeleteWhat would you title your book?
TW
I'm thinking 'Postcards from Purgatory' - catchy little title, ifIdosaysomyself. :)
DeleteI've been working on changing my blog around here this morning. Been reading about SEO and all that 'groan up stuff' <--as you would say! I think there is so much to be said and learned about this narcissism crap - especially because therapists and psychologists/psychiatrists pretty much refuse to admit it's real, or admit it's incurable, OR those people are narcissists themselves. So it's up to us, the sufferers, to find our own way out.
That's all a part of that "kids should be seen and not heard" culture we grew up in. Like, why should we take heed of what a piece of luggage has to say about a goddamn thing.
ReplyDeleteTrue - that culture. Yeesh. But they didn't treat furniture or luggage as badly as they treated us. There is something in the fear response, the cringing, that made it rewarding to treat us (and probably pets) with such fury and disdain. Like everyone has said, they feed on that negative power.
DeleteI still say, my neglect was a lucky thing, compared to the laser sharp focus of hate that you and MF and TW and ETC fucking hell, so many of you, have had.
ohhh yeahhh...Gotcha now. The family/siblings you didn't KNOW you had. That's on my Checklist as well. I also get the furniture thing. I was the little kid at the airport gate by myself boarding a plane going somewhere to someone(s) I didn't know. Then there was the awkward mess on the other end of finding the groan up(s) who were suppose to be there. The operative word is "suppose."
ReplyDeleteSo you have all these "sisters" who have already established their alliances etc. and then there's YOU. Exhibit A.
(Excuse me while I scream at your father: WTF is WRONG with YOU?? WHAT??? YOU THINK THAT CHILD IS A DAMN PUPPY YOU BROUGHT HOME FROM THE SPCA????)
Thank you.
TW
How he got us? It was 1964, maybe 1965. A MAN, a door-to-door Kirby vacuum cleaner salesman/insurance salesman (also door-to-door) living in Arizona gets sole custody of 4 girls. HOW?? I believe he made a deal with my uncle, the Uncle Fred from Florida who turned out to be a state senator and a Supreme Court Justice. And Fred told him to get us quickly, as his sister (my mother) and the situation was DIRE. He couldn't legally take me until I was 6 years old, or maybe made the deal that he WOULDN'T take me until I was 6 years old, so I would be able to go to 1st grade.
ReplyDeleteI believe Fred paid him a sum of money to GTFO, and dad took it - but dad also made the caveat that nobody from that side of the family would ever contact us again. ANNND? they sure didn't.
Dad hated me with the passion of a thousand fiery suns, and really, it was on sight. I personally think he thought I wasn't his blood child, but whatever. That part doesn't sting anymore, because it couldn't have been something I DID, it was dad.
I have dated men, back in my 30's, who had little tiny kids. And even when I didn't exactly BOND with those children, I would never have singled them out for hate. Maybe all because of what I went through, maybe because I'm female and it's sometimes a gender thing. But I like to think maybe it is because I AM FUCKING HUMAN.
HUMAN. Yeah, and a small child with absolutely NO autonomy or ability to alter anything the groan ups decided. And I learned *not* to ask any questions when something was dropped on me at the last minute like, "You're packed for the airport. You'll be leaving tomorrow @ (when ever). You'll arrive at (when ever/where ever) and (someone?) will pick you up."
ReplyDeleteI also think there's underlying stuff that goes on here as well that's far beyond the ability for any child to comprehend. For example we bear a physical resemblance to the horrid, despised ex. Or we remind the adult of a period in their lives they'd rather forget about. Will the parent ever admit this? HELL NO!!!
So where do we fit in? Where do we belong? "Out of sight, Out of mind." aka, No where.
TW
Your dad sold vacuums ........?!?! I may have a new sis. My mom banged every door to door salesman that ever knocked on our door.
ReplyDeleteMove over, Qsis - Imma take all your Barbies.
DeleteThe other kids were older than you, I'm sure they heard discussions about your situation before you were brought there. In other words you were judged before you even showed up. And it didn't help that your father didn't have a chat with them before you came about how it's important to bond with you and accept you, etc. But I was raised by wolves so I'm not a good judge of these things, LOL.
ReplyDeleteQ's Sis
I used to wonder if maybe NF wasn't my father as I bear no resemblance but look like my mother's side. Thing is, at about thirteen I got a detailed account of my conception and even know the exact date. Got drunk celebrating Victory in Europe, forgot to use a condom and the date I was born adds up perfectly.
DeleteEven the looks don't explain it because my older brother looked exactly like my maternal grandfather. The NGC looks just like our paternal grandfather, so he's good stuff even though he was always a rebel without a cause type of kid.
Other than being a girl, which should have been a bonus because it gave them a live in nanny/housekeeper, I'll never know where I went wrong! I was a well-behaved kid, did well in school, never even had a date until after I left home at 19, no booze, no drugs, no fooling around with guys....dull, dull, dull! They told me no man would ever want me because I was so plain, so when I got married at age 34 they did kinda ramp up the crap meter!
But yeah, TW, at some point that old man zoomed in one the kid who wanted nothing more in life than to be daddy's little girl and the old bitch sat silent while he did it. Go figure!
As you can see above, Gladys, this wound will never fully heal but I'm happy to report that there comes a time when you will go for days without giving it a second thought. The only real cure is time, space and a lotta patience with yourself. Oh, and absolutely NO patience with assholes who feel the need to judge!
We've narrowed down the list of candidate's of who may have sired me to a barber shop quartet from Queens and a pack of German Shepard's that jumped their fence down the street from our Duplex.
ReplyDeleteYeah mulderfan what does that make you? 37?
ReplyDeleteMid thirties is where I live in my mind, so you're about right, Q!
DeleteWhy oh WHY do the NPs feel compelled to dump this sex shit on us? There are a few things that I don't care how old you get, you just don't wanna know about the NPs. EVER.
ReplyDeleteFor whatever reasons (faaarr too many to get into) they can't sit down and have a straightforward Birds and Bees kinda discussion. BUT! They will do a damn Show and Tell, Dog and Pony Show starring themselves of course resulting in "HUH?" and "WTF?" on the part of the kid. Which remains unspoken-more like the dog listening to the gramaphone you had in your earlier Post-but nonetheless, the least of our responses. As is true in all interactions with NPs they remain totally oblivious to the horror/disgust/confusion of their Target (audience) kids. I've thought back to the "Your father is impotent" discussion foisted upon my 7/8 yr. old self.
I should have told her to try a blow job as a preliminary.
TW
Yeah, I remember my older brother, who I should start and call Super Narc, giving me details of the kinda stuff his ex preferred in the sack. I flat out told him I didn't want to hear that kinda stuff from my brother and after he called me a prude he kept right on yapping. Apparently he provided his kids with the same kind of detail.
DeleteI don't think it's the sex. I think it's the fun of making people feel uncomfortable.
The sex stuff - I'm not talking about my parents talking inappropriately to me about sex. I'm talking about what was happening around me in Florida.
DeleteMy mother was (IMO) bi-polar, a drug addict and an alcoholic. I do not remember EVER sitting in her lap or her reading to me or anything like that - that's why I was able to be so detached when my dad took me to Calif.
Whatever kinky hijinks she was up to, I know that I was soon to be on the menu. I was very aware of S&M and masturbation and penetration and what was sexy - I have no recollection that anything had already happened to me (and thank the sweet baby jesus in a manger for THAT) but I do know that I was about to be thrown in any bargain she made re sex for money.
None of that continued after I moved to California. It was a different kettle of rotten fish entirely. Like I said, out of the two evils, I know I got the lesser one.
From this picture I can tell I was already so used to being outside the group (any group) that it was just natural for me to be alone. I think I thought I deserved it.
No pun intended but you're not alone on the outside. I notice one thing in common with AA speakers and ACONs, when it came to FOO we all seemed to be on the outside looking in. In high school, I was never part of the "in" crowd and it was the same with my family. That feeling of being a little weird/odd compared with most people has never really left me. Now, I kinda enjoy it!
DeleteGladys, for what it's worth, you're for sure not an outsider here!
Gladys, I shudder to think about what you'd already been exposed to by the time your father showed up. It must have been really, really bad for him to get custody and additionally, what appears to be Permanent Termination of Parental Rights for "Mother" despite the Uncle's power and $$$. The pernicious bias then (and now, but not quite as flagrant) was to leave the kids with their Mother. "Mom" would have to be shooting up, nodding off and screwing all willing participants right in front of the Judge to get the kid(s) away from her. The power your Uncle wielded at that time wouldn't have crossed state lines, yk? So there had to be a preponderance of evidence to get you out of there.
DeleteOf course you belong with us!!! That doesn't in any way negate the sadness inherent in that picture.
FWIW, I have one that haunts me too. I can't look at it.
TW
I just celebrated the 26th anniversary of my 29th birthday.
ReplyDeleteThat would have been great TW if you had said that about priming the proverbial pump.
ReplyDeleteI walked in on the Barbarian and my so-called father working it like a storm door in a hurricane and they punished me for it. I am pretty sure there was a lock on the door. My father wanted some other guys toss off so much he neglected to lock it. Gladys pull this if you wanna ..not THAT! Mulderfan. The Comment
Talk about TMI.
Q, that never even crossed my lily-white mind!
DeleteYeah I bet.
ReplyDelete