Not lost

Sorry, were you looking for me?

It's been a busy month.  Because I made it busy, like an asshole.  heh.

Remember when I said I wanted to start something new, a new focus to take me out of narc research and into the world?  Yeah.  I started another blog.  BUT WAIT!

It's about things to do when you are 50-ish, and don't want to eat the Early-Bird special and go to the early show at the movies, but you aren't up for punk-rock concerts and drinking till you barf anymore.  I've been thinking of doing this for about 3 years now, and I decided it's time.

It's a great idea (she says modestly, digging one toe into the dirt) because there isn't one other blog out there reviewing fun places for the over 50 crowd.  I'VE LOOKED.  When Jeff and I moved to Maryland I almost sprained my fingers searching for things to do that didn't involve tractor races.  So I'm creating it myself. 

It's barely born - just an infant, and I'm not up to sharing it yet.  I don't mean to tease, but it's important to me to get it 'just so'.  I need to lock the idea down and get my format going.  I need to purchase the domain name and get that set up.  I'm taking a class in blogging (I KNOW we should be able to teach a class by now) but I am going to have to learn about Search Engine Optimization (SEO for those of us in the IN crowd) and monetizing a blog, because I'm going to have it be a BUSINESS, not a 'rant' thing.  I want to eventually sell it, the name and idea, so I have a lot to learn.  AND I CAN'T CUSS.  Difficult, eh?  AND - and even if it doesn't succeed, it has given me a reason to get out and about.  To GO SEE stuff.  Concerts and events and restaurants and all kinds of places, even just this month!  And a different kind of writing.  I'm still excited about it, still pumped up with energy.

And you know what?  I've cleared SO much out of my life in the last couple of years.  Mentally, physically, psychic-ly - I've swept so much crap away.  So now I have the ROOM for good stuff, or even just NEW stuff (who knows if it's good).  Just as an example, I got rid of so many knick-knacks that now I have room to buy (and love) this baby:

60's fabulous vase.  Looks remarkably like a bong.

And this plate, which I use under my gorgeous geranium on my patio:

Just fun stuff, but stuff I'm willing to let take up space.  I'm conscious of the decision to have it, and it feels good to be able to acquire with purpose rather than with desperation.

It's the same with everything, really.  I cleared so much mentally from my brain-pan that now I can start to really have new hobbies, new obsessions (ha).  But I'm letting ideas and projects in based on contemplative THOUGHT, not fear, obligation, guilt, and desperation.  THANK JEEBUS.

I hope all of y'all are making it through January.  It IS the cruelest month, right?  The weather in parts of the country is sucking ASS and I think about you, hoping your fires are warm and your chili is hot (ha see what I did there) and that YOU are fine.  I've been reading, I'm in the background, I just have STUFF - my brain is buzzing, in a good way. 

[It hasn't ALL been roses and geraniums.  There has been drama with Jeff - his blood pressure shot up to gabillion/millions and I had to take him to the ER one day.  He flat out told me he wasn't going to change a 'GODDAMNED THING' in order to get healthier.  No exercise, no buying bikes (my idea), not eating better, still going to drink every day - but he WILL take pills.  He told me my blog - THIS blog, is stupid.  His exact word.  STUPID.  That my Lizzie Borden thing was very stupid because it was based on my research and opinion, not 'established fact'.  No, I am not over the hurt and dismay yet.  It's a sharp blow to find out your husband isn't on your side - or even on his OWN side.  I would have left him right at that moment if I could have.  Now I'm more resigned to it - I just hope if his health takes a dive that it's death and not a stroke.  I don't want to have to wipe his ass for the rest of his life.  I'd do it all STUPID anyway.  Things aren't back to normal with us yet.  I DO NOT CARE about the psychology of any of this right now - there is no reason that will take away the fact that he thinks it/said it to me.  *shrug*]