So my post yesterday - I hear you Mulder. And Vanci. And thank you Jessie. But about the return to vodka? I hear you.
After I posted that I went for my walk (shadow above) and mentally careened wildly from wanting to take the post down to wanting to get all defensive about it. Ultimately I decided to leave it up and talk about it, because that's what I need to do for ME. This space is where I am most honest about myself and my life - nobody in my 'real life' reads it except Mike and I guess sometimes Jeff. Nobody knows about it and so I'm safe to say what I want about ME - I am always careful about what I say about my family because you just never know who will google your damned name.
Since the debacle of the cabin in December, seriously - our lives have gone into a meat-grinder of hospital visits. Phone calls in the middle of the night, frantic appeals to Mike to watch the dogs while we head to one emergency room or another, scheduling nightmares because someone has to stay with Mom at home while others go to the ER to see Dad or the reverse. Figuring out meds/prescriptions and diagnosis (more than one, how do you spell that? diagno-sees) because the docs don't tell you anything because they don't want to be liable for anything. Arranging to-dos at their house so that people can see them 'one last time' (that has been going on for 4 years it will never be 'the last time') Texting all the kids and Jeff's sister in Reno and getting everyone ready to buy a black dress and then sounding the all-clear when he rallys again. Its been bad. And it is taking its toll.
Jeff burst into tears for about 4 seconds the other day. And then went back to smiling and being Jeff - and that dam is going to burst at some point, and I am going to be in the line of fire. He has already verbally smacked me (your blog is stupid. I'm not changing any fucking thing about my lifestyle, etc.) and I am feeling uh... well, I guess PISSED but also attacked in my safety zone? Rather put-upon and what not and I am serious when I said that at one point I would have walked out if I could have. Things are better TODAY but he also is possibly relaxing his grip on the fact that he needs to take responsibility for his health, which always happens 3 or 4 days after an 'incident' and I cannot carry that rock.
I am terrified for our future health and security. And I do not use that word 'terrified' lightly. I'm in a blind, slithering PANIC over it.
I keep my sense of humor because that is how I deal with stress. One does what one can. I have had more than one screaming fight with Jeff's siblings/their spouses because I am on the front lines in this battle, helping however I can and so I am a good target for anger due to uncertainty over when He Who Will Not Die will actually cross the fucking rainbow bridge and go into the light. And I scream back and then I let it go (NEW BEHAVIOR FOR ME) because this isn't about me. Well, right HERE on this bloggy is about me but the battle is about their parents and I need to be like the guy at the back of the parade, just cleaning up the elephant poop.
I continue to help when asked (although I am pretty much done going to hospital rooms I simply cannot take it. I just can't. It's depressing on a cellular level.) I give rides and I should actually cook another casserole to take over come to think of it. We pay for their cell phone and I research meds/conditions/diagno-sees and just help.
And I started going across the street with Jeff to Lazy Dog (restaurant) and having a drink or two (always two, let's not start hedging NOW) and talking about all of it. Fridays, when he gets off work at 4 I have typically met him there. Saturday afternoons once all the 'chores' are done. We sit and relax and have a coupla drinks and he puts his hand on my knee and the world seems to slow down for a minute. And YES - that slow slide into the second drink when the alcohol starts to hit is what I was looking for, what my addiction wanted, and how I deal with stress. NOT GREAT. No excuses. I am doing what I always did. I will have no one else to blame when I get what I always get.
I am not asking for you all to watch my train-wreck of a life go into a flaming crash. And I'm not trying to manipulate sympathy because "waahhh mah life is HARD y'all!" (I cannot believe I'm going to use this phrase I HATE IT) it is what it is. I'm doing what I'm capable of.
I really honestly do not drink every day. Or even every OTHER day. I am on a two-week hiatus because I know we are going to friends in March (remember when I dropped the cake? Yeah, those friends) and we are taking the dogs and it is about 100* there and they have a pool and I know. I also know I will go to bed early with the dogs and I will wake up and walk a power walk and I will eat guacamole and salsa and I will laugh and relax. And hope the phone doesn't ring.
Yes, it's a crutch. Yes, it has historically been an anchor tied around my neck. I'm at the end of my rope and I am coping with all the cope I can find. and believe me when I say that when I read that line I just typed I cringe. But I am being honest with ME. And just writing it helps. Somehow.
Things I'm doing right:
- Walk - between 20-25 miles a week. ~18 minute mile. I get out almost every single day. PLUS the mile and a bit more that I walk EVERY morning with the
Finksdogs. - Meds - I'm taking my Wellbutrin like a mofo. Also taking magnesium and taurine because those things I need for my brain. I found I need those particular things because I have researched the fuck out of my problems/symptoms and those things HELP.
- Outside - I walk outside, in the sun and air (son and heir) because I NEED outside. plus vitamin D and all that jazz.
- Food - I'm eating the right stuff, not eating the wrong stuff. I've maintained my 30+ pound weight loss and am gearing up to lose another 10, just to have a goal.
- Friends - I reach out to France a lot, and I hang out with her when I can. This is new behavior for me, typically I retreat from social stuff when stressed. Or when air touches me.
- Brain - I read and research and I sometimes play Bejeweled (that game relaxes my brain for some reason, I think its the sorting?) and I do crossword puzzles and I take my meds and I exercise and I make sure I get alone quiet time every day. All the things I need to do to not go into the cave of depression, to not flip the fuck out.
- I have no booze in the house at this time. I do not keep it around. And that wasn't a conscious thing, in fact I just realized it and added it to this list. I guess what I'm trying to say is that right now, at this point, it isn't NECESSARY to me.
I'm doing my best. I get out of bed every day and keep moving. And yeah, waahh, my life IS hard right now. Remember when I was all about 'peace' and 'tranquility' and woo-woo energy and all that? yes well, sunrise, sunset, the big wheel in the sky keeps on moving. I'm sure I'll find my serenity again. Right now I'm just trying to prevent fires. Even that fucking bear Smokey keeps telling me that only I can do it. It's my job.
I'm glad you left the post up. And I'm glad you are talking about it all (not denying, or being all defensive). We all have shitty times, and I'm glad you are letting us listen to you.
ReplyDeleteI'm also glad to see all the POSITIVE things you are doing for yourself. I was going to ask, and then you beat me to it at the end of the post. You'll get through this too.
What you are dealing with would be a lot for anyone. I wish I had something more to offer than that, but I'm not sure I have any "words of wisdom".
I do, however, want to offer up that I take the herbal supplement ashwaghanda root for anxiety. It was recommended to me by an osteopathic doctor and I have found it really helps (I also take magnesium). It's a bit pricy in health stores, but on line it is cheaper. I was taking it everyday (as I sort of pulled myself out of the pit) in a light dose. And now I just take it if the narcs start coming 'round. May not work for you, but thought I'd throw that out there.
Thinking of you and letting you know I'm here listening. XX
I was thinking about my comment last night and hoped I didn't come off as critical about doing the positive things. Sometimes my brain doesn't allow for clear communication ;). I just meant that I am glad to see you are doing some things for yourself to help balance out all you are dealing with.
DeleteAlso, I think what Mulder said below was very smart - and something I often forget - not all of this is "your rock". XX
NO Jessie! I totally took that comment in the spirit it was intended. Love it - thank you.
Delete{{{Gladys}}} I'm proud of you for doing so many positive things in the face of unending stress. Eldercare isn't easy, and when the elders are toxic nuts, it's exponentially harder. --LuLoo
ReplyDeleteWe all need a good spew now and then! A few days ago I went all postal then weepy on my AA sponsor. Guilt trip note from the parents and attacks regarding heritage work from those at the shallow end of the gene pool... the morons even called me a communist! My sponsor listened then figuratively slapped me upside the head!
ReplyDeleteThe biggest mistake I still make, but way less often, is taking responsibility for things that are, as Vanci would say, "not my rock". Whenever you can I would suggest just "sit with it" before riding in on your white charger as I was prone to do. If the person who SHOULD be responsible doesn't step up to the plate and things don't get done, maybe that's not your rock either. The less drama in your life the better off you'll be.
Mulderfan, this week in yoga class, the topic the teacher wanted us to consider was "This burden I'm carrying--is it mine to carry?". I think ACoNs are carefully trained to assume the burdens of everyone around them--our assigned job in life is to take everyone else's crap and deal with it. As you say, "F*** 'em!" (Miss reading your blog) --LuLoo
DeleteFunny how when we take a step back people often manage just fine without us! My parents miraculously found more suitable and safe accommodation right after I stopped playing "Superwoman". Being accused by my do-nothing younger brother of shirking a DAUGHTER'S responsibility was just icing on the cake.
ReplyDeleteI'm guessing Gladys, along with the rest of us, has already fulfilled any obligation or responsibility, she MAY have had, a hundred times over.
Thank you, LuLoo. Over the past 18 months, since I went no contact, my life has done a complete 180! Busy doing things I love with people I love. Still get the occasional poke in the form of a guilt trip note but they are like water off a duck's back.
"Fulfilling" my obligation. That took me SO long to realize that I was "already" a good daughter (or SIL). That I had "done my duty" as a good daughter and fulfilled any obligation I had. They were/are black holes that continued to suck NS, under the guise of obligation, far past what was appropriate. That's a hard lesson to learn (and find the boundaries of, especially when you've been conditioned to think you need to be limitless).
DeleteSide note, MF (and you don't need to answer) did you choose to quit blogging?
Yes, Jessie. It was my choice. It began as a kind of therapy then when I began to feel better, I realized that it kept revisiting the past over and over in a never ending cycle. Also, to be honest, it began to be a bit of an ego trip having all those people reading and that is not the person I wanted to become.
DeleteI not only took down the blog I deleted everything I had ever written and although I expected to be upset quite the opposite happened. It felt like a huge weight had been lifted!