- <becalmed at last, she slept soundly for the first time in weeks> (years) (decades?)
Not only am I not scared anymore - I'm not angry anymore.
huh.
I've been both of those things - Very Scared, and Completely Pissed The Fuck Off, for about 54 years now. I't different, this new 'not' feeling. I just got the chills, ack shoo lee.
I'm not angry about the abuse anymore. Which is NOT to say anything stupid like 'I forgive my abusers' or any bullshit like that. I most assuredly do NOT forgive. The abuse has not been acknowledged by the perpetrators, and forgiveness has not been requested. In my world, both of those things have to happen before I would ever consider 'forgiveness'.
[And, sorry all you ACoNs just starting out, but that shit ain't EVER going to happen. Let me just get you to the end of the story real quick - stop writing letters. Stop explaining. Stop making grand gestures. Stop crying and explaining boundaries - stop wasting time, and over-extending your hope-bone. And for the love of christ, please stop feeding your children to 'The Grandparents' - your children ARE being abused, right in front of your eyes. They see your stress/fear/anger and assume that is a normal response to them. The narcs will not become anything else than what they are. That leaves YOU to become something other than what you are. It's YOUR responsibility, and your only hope. The End.]
But angry? meh. See, I used to swim with sharks. They ate me. A LOT. it hurt, a lot. I kept asking them not to do it. But I kept swimming around in that pool. And every time I did, I would get a stomach ache and a headache and drink too much to compensate for the stress of being around sharks. They did not understand what I was saying because I do not speak shark. Now I do not go in that pool. The sharks are still in there, swimming around. Eating others, I suppose. But it's not ME anymore. And it isn't any of my business what they are doing.
Do you get that? Once you go NO CONTACT it isn't any of your business if the narcs are still being narcs. I don't go to the edge of the shark pool and look to see what is happening. I don't ask my sisters if my mother (shark) is eating someone else. I don't want to know, and it is none of my business anyhow. I am free.
I will no longer waste my time being angry at a bunch of sharks in a shark tank. *shrug* they just are who they are. I can shake my fist at the fates who allowed me to be born into that mess. Sounds futile but I did it for years. I can HATE the sharks for being sharks and for feeding on me all the time. For not seeing that I was not born to be food, that I was just a baby/kid - well, sounds just as useless and I did that for years too. I would yell and cry and all, and they would just look at me with shark eyes and think 'food'. They didn't ever once say 'hmmmn, why is this food making so much noise?' it never occurred to them. And in all those years of fear and anger and hate, I never once just got myself out of the fucking pool. It never occurs to US that there is a ladder and a towel waiting outside. Probably an iced tea too.
I'm out now. It's silly, all that angst and energy I wasted being so angry and scared when all I had to do was get out, dry off, and walk away.
Doesn't that feel good?! Once ya get through the entirely and righteously pissed off, there's just-as you said- a "meh." That doesn't mean I can't get angry when a new memory bubble comes to the surface or something reminds me of a particularly egregious/vile event from the past, but I'm not swimming in pissed-off-ville. I hope we can all muster up some outrage over the outrageous: IMO, we should be offended and angry when there's abuse. That says we give a damn about others being victimized or re-victimized.
ReplyDeleteWhen it comes to kids being exposed to NGPs I just have to let it go and trust the parents will come to their senses before too much (more) damage is done. They're not my kids and the parents are the ultimate "deciders" yk? It's one thing to honestly express concerns but harping on it-allow me to raise my hand to that one-isn't gonna help them or me. I also keep in mind the AC will be the one who'll have to ultimately deal with the fall-out from the exposure of their kids to the NGPs and that'll be a huge challenge practically and mentally for all involved. It seems the ACs I've come across have self-lacerating consciences anyway (what, are we accommodating the NPs lack of such?!) so that'll be a particular kind of hell for the AC. 'Nuff torture there without me adding to it.
Anyway, you're sounding particularly good these days Ms. Gladys and that's so nice to see! Enjoy!
TW
Hi TW!! I miss you. *sigh* yes I know, I'm getting all preachy to the ACs but mostly this is a kick in my own arse about exposing my kid to them for so long. I'm doing a lot of forgiving myself these days. But reading that people keep exposing their kids 'for the sake of the birthday' or whatever is like watching a scary movie and one character is going into the basement ALONE and we are all screaming at the screen "DON'T DO IT! BAD IDEA!" and bleh. They do it. And it's predictably awful. You just want to save people the pain, I guess. But we all have to learn in our own classroom (how's THAT for a bumpertsticker saying??)
DeleteAnd oh, I still get angry, I think about that little tiny girl (me) and wonder what in the fuck anybody was thinking, or why they weren't thinking. And then I remember to look around and let my dogs lick my face (ick!) and go for a walk. It's all behind me, but if I turn around I can still see it, you know? I just keep walking, maybe it will fade into the horizon soon.
Good to see you TW - hope things are good in your world!
This is superb! So simple and yet so incredibly powerful. I know I will be where you are, one day. I'm not there yet, but I do get glimpses of that place of freedom. Thank you. I've wanted to thank you for several of your posts that really impacted me, but this one just summed it all up so neatly and clearly. Thank you again!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Anon. It's a process, for sure, but so rewarding really. Don't get discouraged if your own path takes you not only forward and backward, but round-a-bout and turned around again. It's SO confusing, coming out of this stuff.
DeleteThank you for reading and for taking the time to comment. As the great philosopher Dory (from Finding Nemo) once said, 'just keep swimming'
It's possible to stop the anger? I have to say the anger felt good for all of about 5 minutes then now not so good. I can't lash out with this anger, no where to put it, just seethes, and I wonder if it is healing positive anger. I mean what is that?
ReplyDeleteAs far as the children being exposed to toxic grandparents, I feel that is just because the parents don't understand yet. I always heard, "granma or granpa are impossible, but the kids need their grandparents" or something like that. I did too for the longest time, never really knowing what was going on. There is not enough voice out there.
Its like, for instance, if there was no knowledge about AIDS. No one knew the truth about it until some voices are vocal about it.
I don't know what I'm saying here. Probably just on a crazy rampage, highjacking blogs again. Sorry. My, it sure feels good to talk, thank you.
Joan, if you're gonna go on a crazy blog-highjacking rampage, my blog is absolutely the place to do it!
DeleteThe rage - oh jeeze. Yeah. It made me feel very powerful - it was one of the first steps for me. I was swinging my fists and screaming and all HULK SMASH for a while, until I realized the sharks had no clue whatsoever. But if I knew THEN, what I know now? I'd have fucked my parents UP. Maybe not physically, but I absolutely would have engaged/attacked/boundary-ized. Good? bad? I dunno. But it made me feel very strong.
I think the anger is a very cleansing thing. It says to your own self - I recognize that nobody protected me, but from now on, I AM PROTECTING ME! It means you wont get fooled again. (i think) it means you're (we're) moving out of the fog.
The children thing - mostly this is MY regret for exposing my own kid for so long. I think we get so bamboozled into thinking that 'family is important!' that we forget WE, as parents, are the first line of defense in our OWN families.
Getting to this point - the 'meh' point, for me, went much faster simply because my narcs are the ignoring type. I was one of the 'lucky' ones in that once I am out of sight, I am forgotten essentially. This used to hurt me but it works to my advantage now. People (like TW and Mulder, to name only a couple) didn't have a shark tank. They had a tiger cage, and the tigers would get OUT and hunt them how fucking scary is that?!?
I am lucky - they only hunt ME when I get in the pool. It's easy to stay out.
There are so many blogs now - so much info. I hope you're finding good stuff to read. Have you read Narcissists Suck? From the beginning, including ALL the comments. It's pretty great. ALL of them can be pretty great.
You're working on YOU and that is such a wonderful and worthwhile use of your time. Don't ever be afraid to comment however you want to here - I get it. I get the crazy and scattered thoughts, the confusion and the sometimes HOURLY flip-flop of ideas and questions. Just keep writing. Keep reading. Keep un-knotting all that stuff. I've got pom-poms and I'm cheering you on.
Similar to the Stages of Grief: Denial, Anger, Depression, Acceptance...time to walk away and build a new life.
ReplyDeleteGlad you're here, Gladys. Welcome to a whole new life. You are destined to accomplish amazing things!
I am 60 years old, and it is mainly through Lisettes blog that I learned that I can never change them [an entire narc family] I have been going back and forth with no contact. I have always thought of some "incredible idea" that would be my last try [then another, then another. then another] So, I am going to fake my own death. Jut to them. my husband, sons, and adult grandkids are on board. the little ones, well, my FOO does not even pretend they care the kids exist. My husband will be calling them the day after memorial day and telling them that I died calm and happy on a beach in Nasau on may 9.[ they are constantly trying to talk me into taking my own life, so I want to go" happy.] It's a long and ugly story how I came to the realization that this is the best thing for me to do,, for my family of choice and for myself. I feel peace with this decision. one of my neighbors asked me if I had a little botox or something, because I look so much more relaxed. I AM so much more relaxed.
ReplyDelete