Whole

I'm learning that it's really ok to jettison people.  that it's still ok to want to do that, even after getting rid of narcs and whatnot - even though these people may not have been from 'the bad time' - when being with someone takes more energy than you like, it's time.

When a person is broken also, same as you, it can mean 'hey ha ha we get each other!' or it can mean nothing.  I can see that you are broken but your pieces do not fit with my pieces, not really.

I'm just so done with things/people/events that sap my energy and don't give me any back.  Now that I've had an epiphany about myself - that I'm really not all THAT broken and that my definition of what makes me strong and good is changing.  And that just because I might like a person doesn't mean they need to make it into my inner sanctum of peaceful friendship.  Arms length is a good place for some people and the best place for me to keep them.

We all know that going no contact with narcs is the only way to happiness in that area.  All of us get there eventually.  Once you realize that no birthday party, no christmas morning, no family event is worth their presence.  But it seems to have boxed my thinking up.  It isn't just SUPER BAD GUYS that need weeding out.  It can be other people too - perfectly friendly, nice, non-horrible people who I just don't like all that much.  There doesn't have to be a reason other than MY reason, which is that they don't make me feel easy and energized.

Absolutely nothing is coming with me into my new world, my final third - nothing that I don't want.  And picking what I don't want is fun, actually.  It's very easy to recognize.

I'm going to break the mold for Thanksgiving and Christmas from here on out too.  There is more than one way to skin that goose before you roast it up.  Being with family, nope.  Being with a FOC - well, maybe but being ALL ALONE might be the nicest, happiest thing ever.  Maybe renting one of those cottages on that pier and finally feeling completely light, free, and RIGHT is what I'll do.  Jeff will join me on the porch (once he is home from his family obligation) and we will watch the sun set over the water.

Nothing bad happened on Thanksgiving!  nothing at all.  I didn't feel threatened or unhappy.  But I didn't feel SWELL, like it was the best use of my time and energy.  By the end I was just looking forward to it being over, which yes any company can make you feel that way, really - but there wasn't an equal and opposite feeling at the beginning, a feeling of excited looking forward.  And during, no feeling of energized conversation.  It was fun - it was fine.  The best that could be said was that there was no drama.  Which used to be all I asked for.  I want more these days.

I'm done with feeling uncomfortable around anyone.  I just realized, the point of this post - my being uncomfortable isn't about how broken I am, it isn't about personal space or anything to do with ME actually.  Besides the fact that I chose to spend time with people who make me uncomfortable.

It's my bad choices, made out of a misconception that broken people should stick together.  It stems from choosing friendships with people when you are first and foremost broken, and you want to surround yourself with other broken people.  I'm not really broken anymore, and I don't want broken anymore.

And my life is wide open to meet people I can really connect with.  Simply by not leading with my abused child self I imagine I will meet better (more whole?) people.  Broken people attract broken people.  I want to meet 'whole' people.  Interesting people.  NICE, calm, happy.  HAPPY people.  No more gathering people close simply BECAUSE they are broken.  More to the point would be gathering nice, interesting people into my world broken or not.  Not the first thing I look for, not the first thing I talk about.  Not the first think I show of myself.  The broken places aren't the most interesting places anyway!  not always.

Spotlight on the whole person, not just the cracks.

I have some good whole people already in my world.  I am cutting and culling the others.  And in turn I am making my own self learn to lead with my whole self, my interesting, happy, whole (as in not missing pieces) self.

The cracks are there - there is just no need to point them out.

Acceptance comes in many forms.  I ACCEPT ME.  I like me.  And all of me, the WHOLE me, is a pretty great person.