2 Thirds Done! Level Up!

Just because I think she's gorgeous

I've said that I can tell I’m headed to a doorway.  Doorway, threshold – a life change is coming and something has been preparing me, or trying to prepare me, for quite a while.  Everything will change when I go through that door, and it needs to change.

All of my life, the spirit side, the ‘woo woo’ has tried like goddamned hell to get my attention.  The streetlights going off were the beginning as far as I can tell, but there may have been earlier things.  Something was trying to get my attention.  And although I noticed, and talked about it – what didn't happen was me LISTENING.  So much noise in my life, I didn't just be still and listen.  So whatever it is that wants my attention kept on trying and trying, in different ways.  It wasn't until the last couple years that I really started WONDERING about it.  And I have to tell you, there is so much woo-woo mashed up into my life it is VERY difficult separating the positive from the negative.  It isn’t a science, that’s for sure.  I only just realized that there might be more positive than negative – and that is blowing my mind.  I just sort of assumed that anything that wasn’t OVERTLY from/about Byron (dead friend) was very. very. bad.  But the good stuff was trying to get thru too – to help me.  Every life decision I made, if I had just listened to my intuition and instincts, might have been easier, I may have made a better decision, if I had known to be still and LISTEN.

In the last year, maybe more I guess, I've talked on this blog about calling my power back.  About my spirituality and I started fumbling my way around the signs and symbols being thrown at me, almost literally in my face.  The streetlight thing had mostly stopped (they were probably exhausted from 15 years of working those lights) – but clock times had suddenly BOOMED into my reality, and into Jeff’s reality!  2:22, 3:33 – etc etc.  Not often the 11:11 that other people get, but always a triple digit.  We started wishing for “MONEY MONEY MONEY!!” when it happened.  Yeah, that worked like, not at all.  lol  But the hairpins.  Jayzhus lord THE HAIRPINS.  For a while there I was finding about 5 a day.  A DAY.  I have a shit ton of found hairpins.  And because I am a little slow – or more accurately because I have dead relatives that, when they were alive, pretty actively tried to KILL me dead – I was pretty skeptical about the motivations behind these pins.  {I find 1 or two a month now, NOTHING like when I was first starting out.  And usually always I find one when I’m thinking – paying attention – to my life.  It seems to be telling me I’m on the right path in that moment}

[I did start getting rid of both physical and emotional ties to people that needed to go.  I burned old birthday cards from former boyfriends and did a lot of visualization of untying any ribbons connecting me to past emotional landmines.  I still work on that in fact – thoughts have power, and I actively have to turn my thoughts away from ‘missing’ someone.  I don’t really miss that person, it’s sort of a muscle memory anyway not a real emotion.  So I mentally *snap* a rubber band on my wrist and move on.]

But with the hairpins, for the first time in my life, I kept working at a woo-woo puzzle.  I paid attention.  They were everywhere, and I was picking them up, and I was working it out.  When an answer comes to you, it just hits you in the right spot.  And my answer first was my Aunt Kay – I had a feeling my dna mother was part of it too but I wasn’t ready to let go of my feelings of angst surrounding her.  I kept finding them, and I kept thinking about it.  The day I wrote about how close they were, how my aunt tried like hell to help my mother’s fool ass and me, because she loved me too – that was the day I realized the pins were a sign from both of them.  They are together, wherever they are, of course they are.  They may have been born a coupla decades apart, but they are soul mates.  And they BOTH have been trying to get my attention.  (and this isn’t about forgiving my mother.  She is dead – has been dead a long time, since my birthday when I turned 19.  Maybe her soul has gone through what learning and rebirth it needed to do in that time – I have never dreamed of her or heard from her in all that time.  I still do not ever dream of her, or see her face.  It’s just the pins.  Whatever she is NOW, she is helping me.  What she was when alive was a broken, abusive mess.  And I suffered for it.)

I had started to be bombarded with images of mermaids and octopie and pelicans.  And WATER.  I still don’t have any clue what THAT means.  I’d love to think it means that I am destined to live by the ocean.  But I would settle for living in a place with grass and access to a fucking HOSE, so maybe that’s it – or maybe it’s a way for the universe to get more of my attention.  Because I started really paying attention at this point.

What I started being able to ‘get’ over that frequency was that these messages and all this squawking (good lord the squawking birds – crows and seagulls that SQWAAAAK at me and hummingbirds dive-bombing me!) was more about paying attention to MY LIFE.  And it was getting urgent, really fucking urgent, that I pay attention NOW.

TW posted a comment on one of my blogs about cycles and timelines.  Which got me really thinking about what year it is.  I started asking Jeff ‘what year did such and such happen’ because time gets really smooshed in my head a lot.  I started thinking that the end of this year is coming, is the next year something?  I realized my birthday is EMINENT and I will be 54 and that, my friends right there, is what they have been screaming at me about.

Bear with me, I know my blathering writing has been long winded lately – but these things are so very important to me right now.  I’m actually pretty emotional typing this because it feels exactly RIGHT.

I didn’t figure that I was at the half-way point of my life.  GOOD GOD if I live to see 108 I will kill myself.  Not to mention, that’s pretty unlikely.  So I started thinking in thirds.  And what about if I have lived 2 thirds of my life already, and I’m entering into the last 3^rd.  and BELLS WENT OFF.

The biggest (first) timeline change happened to me just before I got pregnant with Mike.  I was 29 when that happened.  But the 2 years that led up to that – I suddenly lost my friend Byron, and then I lost ALL those people who were my tribe, my gang.  They abandoned me.  It happened quickly and brutally (silently!) and sent me into a tail spin – almost a nervous breakdown.  It broke something in me.  It changed every fucking thing about me.  I was 26/27.  And 26/27 is about exactly half of 54.  You with me?

Second third – I get pregnant and my life becomes all about my amazing and wonderful kid.  EVERYTHING I do is for/because of Mike.  I still make mistakes, but his life (by his own admission and everything!) is wonderful, and we have a very close soul bond.  Blah blah stories of love and action figures – and you would think that the year he joined the USMC or the time he went to Afghanistan would have been the time that this 3^rd of my life’s story changed.  But it isn’t.  It’s now, it’s this next year.  And not just him, my niece too (the one I am close to like my mother and my aunt) – I am being told very clearly to LET THEM GO.  They need to begin parenting themselves.  Mike is now engaged and has his gorgeous fiancé to rely on for emotional support.  As it should be.  I feel weird saying that I am passing his emotional life from me to her, that isn’t exactly right.  What I do know is that my ‘mothering’ days are – NEED TO BE done.  He needs to find a way to get through tough situations using all the tools I’ve given him.  He deserves a chance to fumble fuck his way through life on his own – he will use what I’ve given him and he will stumble and work and flail about and it will be HIS life story.  I’ve been sneaking up on this for years, didn’t want to let go (what mother really does?) but his timeline is diverging from mine this next year in a HUGE way – he is moving to another state and will be getting married.  What is bigger?  With my niece – I’ve kept her as safe and sheltered from making big scary decisions as I could.  Now it’s down to her having to make those decisions in the next year and if I try to help her I will cripple her.  In order to help her I need to let her go.  They both need to find out how strong they are and how far down their reserves of energy and strength go.

Which leaves the final 3^rd.  Which will put me dead, by my calculations, at 81 and I am MORE than fine with that.  Lol – you think I’m kidding maybe, but I’m not.  I am not afraid to be dead.  I’m afraid to be OLD.

In my life, my actual BIRTHDAY is a huge important date.  Not like, I'm a princess it's mah birfday - I mean very seriously it's a THING.  

Me = born December 03, 1960
Missing brother = born December 03, 1964
DNA mother = died December 03, 1979 (the year I graduated high school)

I'm not certain what in the fuck is so important around December 3rd.  But there ya go.

**to be continued I’m writing at an amazing pace these last few days.  I need to get outside for a while**