I just don't feel like writing right now

I've been staying away from my blog for a while.  Q did a post about the same thing, how it's the opposite of FUN for us to dig into our psyches and present you with the mélange of flavors of abuse from our childhoods.

It's actually exhausting and ugly and we (none of us) like it.  We just have to lance the boil every once in a while, let off the pressure.  I just wanted a break.

The next portion of the story was already written, anyway - here, at this link for The Scapegoat at 13.  I need to insert the SILVER TOOTH incident, but essentially the story is complete so far.

What people don't understand - and you know, I am GLAD people don't understand.  That means they didn't live with the abuse - they have no idea, and really, GOOD.  I'm glad there are families who don't/didn't participate in this bullshit.

But what you don't understand is that what we suffered under was a huge, heave dose of mind control.  The military couldn't have done it better.  Look up the experiments conducted under the name MK Ultra - that's what we got.  We got our brains shattered with fear and uncertainty, and then up turned down and day turned into night and we had to believe in order to survive.  We had to create our own reality to survive.  With the broken mind of a child.  welcome to hell.

We had to de-program ourselves.  It took/takes a lifetime.  Do not think for one minute we are whining and puling about not getting the right gift at Christmas.  We are talking about (for example) seeing a gift.  getting handed the present! eyes light up, heart pounds, it's CHRISTMAS!  Then we are *slammed* in the face with that gift.  While the Nat King Cole record continues to play, the lights twinkling softly in the background, we are getting slapped and slammed with the present.  Then the present is shredded and destroyed in front of our sobbing self, and we are told it was our own fault since our hair wasn't brushed to the correct side of our heads.  The rest of the family goes on with presents and laughing and happy day, while we are left stunned, broken, freaked out, with a destroyed present in front of us.  IT WAS OUR FAULT, we believe it!  but, we don't believe it, because *huh*?  but they said it was, it must be.  Evidently hair brushing is an offense up there with rape and arson. 

Happy Fucking Christmas, assholes.  YES.  we are whining about not getting the right gift.  your understanding of the problem is spot on, as usual.

go away.

For Lisa

There's a guide book!  You should totes go get it!  or order it from Amazon, so you don't have to leave the house...

(It says 'complete idiot', but I think even INcomplete idiots can read this one?)

To any trolls lurking under my bridge

Threaten ME with legal action.  threaten ME. 

Hell hath no fury like the menopausal woman who just moved 2000 miles and cannot find her socks. 

On the other hand, keep threatening Q.  THAT WILL BE FUN TOO! 

I haven't beat up anyone in a long time.  Which, I know only sounds like a threat but srsly.  It's been a long time since I took my hands to a woman, TOO LONG.  I have frequent flyer miles that will take me anywhere I want to go.  I have LOTS of hotel free nights due to traveling across the states twice in 18 months. 

And I have all the free time in the world.

I have no fear.  Nothing to lose.  Nobody to answer to.  There isn't a soul on this earth you could tattle to who would make one fucking ounce of difference to me.  No kids in school, although I do have one in the Marine Corps...  You might want to piss him off!