Here's the thing. These people we met are fabulous, funny, and just our type. We have more friends HERE in this new weird place than we EVER did in Southern California where we had both lived forever. I thought it was like, serendipity or fate or something like that, meaningful! And honestly, it's still great.
But after a year, the cracks start to show. We don't see these people THAT often. Jeff sees the two women and one of the guys once a week at least because of work meetings. We see one boyfriend because he is the manager of the Buffalo Wild Wings (the only social game in town, no shit. We go there and play the tv trivia or poker game. *sigh*). But we get together for Sunday football or a happy hour or like they all came to a happy hour for my birthday, stuff like that. (Still not drinking. It's been 4 weeks). But by now we've heard THEIR back stories, lived through a breakup/get back together issue, seen a guy get stalked by his soon-to-be ex wife, etc. Those "party shields" are starting to break down.
Mine included. A year is a LONG time for me to pretend I'm not crazy, even around crazy people.
So one day a couple of weeks ago all the women were clacking in one corner and we PINKY SWORE we would do NO xmas presents. NONE. I led the charge because this is near and dear to my soul. The others professed as much disdain for the process as i did. I told them, in NO uncertain terms, "don't get me a calendar. Do NOT get me cute xmas socks. I want nothing from you, no kidding." See, I wasn't winking, or being ambiguous - I feel so strongly about this in fact that I thought maybe I was being too harsh. Turns out, no.
The very next time we see these people, one of the women pushes a small fucking wrapped box at Jeff and I. I lost my mind. I got really mad. No hyperbole here, I got that 'look' on my face and I was just pissed. She immediately says "NO no! it's just funny! It's just silly!". Here's what it was.
Also, she wrapped it. Paper and tape. I looked at her (swear to god) and said 'what am I supposed to do with this NOW. Now I have to give this to goodwill.' Aaaand, there you have it. I pissed her off.
I also pissed off the other woman by saying "whatever you think you are bringing us for a gift, WE DON'T WANT IT". Yeah, I'm not so good at tact when I'm mad. She said it wasn't for ME anyway, it was for Jeff. Fucking god.
See, I'm of the opinion that I get to fucking PICK if I exchange gifts with you. And I unequivocally DO. NOT. WANT. TO. I like you fine. I am NOT buying gifts. Not even a bottle of wine. It's all CRAP to me, I want to see you and have fun stop bringing gifts, they are then OBLIGATIONS and these people all make about a hundred grand a year, we can all buy our own fucking wine. Shit balls.
I sound scroogy and ungrateful but I really don't care. This same woman bought me THIS for my birthday:
Not mine, ganked the picture off the webz but it's the same thing.
Sooo, what am I sposed to do with that. Get a Dolly Parton wig and stage it? Why the fuck to people buy all this CRAP and pass it around??
And it triggered my considerable TEMPER and I have been having very harsh pretend conversations with her like, when I'm in the shower (tell me you do this too) and all - really yelling (pretending she is there) because this just makes me so angry and I couldn't figure out why, until I started writing and *pow* it just came to me, thank you blog.
You don't really KNOW me. You don't know anything about me. Nobody does. I am not hard to figure out, but people don't ever like the things I like, so they don't like to buy them for me. They try and lead me in another direction with their gifts or they think THIS is cuter than YOUR stuff, and it's almost the same thing! (The glass head vs. all of the ceramic faces I have from the 40's). No. No it isn't. People think I'm weird, and my stuff is weird, and they don't GET it, so they *bleep* past it and buy me a kitten calendar or some fucking backscratcher or a KNITTING BOOK (seriously) that I then have to give away.
It exemplifies to me that I live all alone inside my head. NOBODY, ever, EVER, has actually gotten me. My kid and my niece come the closest. But 'soul mate'? shit.
Jeff knows that he doesn't KNOW. He likes my stuff, he lives with it. He sort of gets why I like it. But he would never go out on a limb and buy clothes or knick-knacks for me. The jewelry he has bought me, including my engagement ring, he took me with him to pick it out. (did you know jewelry stores have CLEARANCE RACKS?? oh yeah, got my ring on supah sale, that's how I roll). And he understands my aversion to stuff. He is VERY encouraging of my 'donation pile'. Why are people fascinated with crap?
Oh hell, this post is lost. I'm calling it done. I have no idea what my point was.
Play their game this year and give them all this.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1aFji7aJP7o
You won't have this problem next year I promise.
I would wrap that glass head up and pass it on for the next birthday. Whether it's for that same group of friends or someone else, let them know it's a joke/game and there are no expectations of keeping it or pretending to like it, the whole point is to pass it on. You could even set up a facebook page for the head and encourage the gift recipients to tag pictures of it so other recipients can see where it's traveled...
ReplyDeleteIf you already pissed her off with the candy shitting moose, it won't matter that the head disappears ;-)
Gladys, They Boundary Busted. Simple as THAT, woman. And NO, that's NOT "OK." OR "PC." They agreed and then changed the 'Rules." With OUT consulting YOU.
ReplyDeleteFeel familiar? It should, Little One. It's not just about the gifts (the Manifest "stuff") but more importantly what they represent (the Latent "stuff.") You're acting (NOTE: I did NOT say "REacting) in direct proportion to their Boundary Busting/Game Changing shit. You said "No." You meant "No." And they just pole-vaulted over "Traa-La-La-La-La" over you stated wishes. By doing this not only did they resurrect the same ACoN stuff we were subject to for years but demonstrated blatant disregard for YOU. It wouldn't have mattered if the "Gift" was a pile of Moose Poop or Dog Poop, it's all disrespectful towards you.
Apologies are required on THEIR part. When people say no, they mean NO. You didn't survive all THAT "back there" to be confronted with the same ol' "here." Stand your ground, Gladys. Accept no "excuses." The offenders need to own up, and you don't need to explain other than to say perhaps, "I don't know what it is about the word "No" you didn't get and that's not my problem. Don't ever think you can step on my "No" again. Now, what did you just hear me SAY?"
You're not crazy. I stomp around here having imaginary conversations but the old cat starts following me around and "vocalizing" and getting all upset so I end up singing my conversation off tune as usual and she calms down. So do I. Honestly, sometimes they are the sanest conversations I have all day, especially on Mon. when the Housekeeper was here with her adult DD "cleaning" at 7:03 this AM.
Don't get me started on what she did today..............;)
TW
Oh lord, TW - you hit the nail on the head, that's EXACTLY what it is, boundary busting. NO RESPECT (Rodney Dangerfield voice). Seriously. I'm so pissed because (thank you for helping me figure this out) I have no voice. People don't hear me, they don't want to hear me or see me so they cover me with what they think. no WONDER I spend every day, all day, alone. Happily alone.
DeleteWomen are notorious for doing this. It's hear enough to get a guy to go Christmas shopping as it is. Women still have to buy that token present and then one up each other until it's like the agreement never existed.
ReplyDeleteGladys my dear,
ReplyDeleteI couldn't agree with TW more. It's a boundary violation when you go to the trouble to say, this is the line, and another party steps over it after you've drawn it (whether they agreed to it or not.)
I have those conversations too, and I keep having them to myself until I get back around to a calm solution or I find that I just don't care any more. No, you're not crazy. Or, hell, if you are at least you're in good company!
If they're relationships you want to save, though, could this be an opportunity to let your friend know why you were so offended and let her know you a little bit more?
Love,
Vanci
Vanci, yes - I will. Like all of us, I use this space to pule and whine but I do try to act like a grown up when I'm out :) It isn't easy. I am getting used to indulging myself since I kept quiet for so long. This space is great for that.
DeleteI'll talk to her again, but she is neurotic and spastic like a chihuahua and I don't think she ever HEARS anything but the beating of her frantic heart.
Por Ejemple: This woman will fight to pay you back 83 cents that she thinks she owes you. There is no buying her a drink - she cannot rest until she rootles around in the bottom of her purse for the $4 she owes you. She MUST return plastic kitchen storage items, she wont take NO I DON'T WANT IT BACK THROW IT AWAY for an answer. I think she would rinse and return zip loc baggies. She exhausts me. She isn't even 40-years old yet.
She is very dear, bless her heart, but LORD people exhaust me.
Gladys,
DeleteYou've got me falling out of my chair lauging over here. Um... maybe it would be best to just re-gift her back the same moose pooper that she just gave me. That'll jam her gears up for a good while, don'tchathink?
Maybe with a card that says, "Bless your little heart!"
LOL.
Love,
Vanci
Ex act lee.
ReplyDeleteGreat post, made me laugh the whole way through! I agree with the re-gift idea, doubt she will buy you stuff after that!
ReplyDeleteI argue in the shower too with what I should have said, going to say etc. I thought I was weird (still up for debate), especially since it comes out in all random bits.
We have a similar thing happening at work, one woman refuses to tell us whether she is buying gifts for our bosses (which means she is) and will not participate in a group gift (each to their own), but why make it so secretive? So WE can look like shitheads if we don't and she's awesome because she did and we wont know what she is getting so we cant 'out do' her. I wonder if its only us women who can be so petty?
Gladys I have a story for you. Your comment on DM's blog made me think of it.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was about 14 my cousin from Mississippi was in and so we went to the wal-mart down in Knobblers Gob to get our picture taken together.
The photographer set us down, and posed us, and then went back and got under that little black cape thing.
My cousin asked me what he was doing.
I said he's going to focus.
She said Bofus?