Update to Bobby Pins post

I wanted to do an update on my bobby pins post - that post has generated the most comments on this blog!

Once I started really noticing them, picking them up, pointing them out - I of course slowed way down on the sightings.  I hardly ever see one anymore.

And I find that the most bizarre thing of ALL.

To go from finding hundreds of these things - seriously I had them in a bowl until I got completely grossed out and tossed them - to finding NONE AT ALL?  Completely weird.  I actually miss seeing them these days.

I still do believe it was a 'pennies from heaven' kind of thing, but I still haven't sussed out exactly who was sending the message.  I believe it was my Great Aunt Kay, because she was a protector of mine when I was a child.  I get the feeling I am well protected from the other side - I just feel a sort of 'arms around me' feeling anymore.  (didn't help when I broke my foot, dammit spirits, where were you then, huh?)

Anywhozle.  That's the update.  Please comment here or on the original post if you have had any experience with this, whether it is bobby pins, pennies, birds, whatever.  I'd love to hear about any stories y'all may have.

**and of course, the day I posted this, I found a bobby pin.  Nicely played, spirits.  Nicely played**

Happy 2019!

*sigh* Another year, another floundering blog on the interwebs.  I'm just going to pretend I haven't abandoned this blog.  If I can believe it, you can too.  Just try!

We moved back to Maryland (Lexington Park, land of absolutely nothing) in March of 2018.  Looks like we will be moving back to San Diego in March of this year.  And let me tell you one thing.  One real, true thing.

I AM DONE MOVING

I mean it.  NO, srsly this time, I mean it.  I mean it so much that we are IN FACT buying a house in San Diego.  Planted, that's what I want to be.  Since Jeff and I have been together we will have moved 6 TIMES.  That's not taking into account the 30-plus times I moved in my 20's and 30's.

I AM DONE MOVING

There.  I said it again, I mean it.  

But there is a twist to this!  And this twist is we are buying not a brick and mortar home, but instead a mobile home in a retirement community there in San Diego.  A double-wide.  A DW in SD.  Is there still a stigma about people living in a mobile home park?  Am I now White Trash?  Discuss.

It will be a newer one, with a nice deck and a tiny yard.  Because I am Positive Energy-ing that into reality.  Also, we will be spending approx. $185,000 on a 3-bedroom 2-bathroom home, rather than the $550,000 it costs in San Diego to get a condo.

More info on that when I have more info.  Still need the work offer letter for Jeff from new company before I can pull the trigger on any moving plans.  Anyone remember 2014 (I think?)  Second verse, same as the first.

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My foot is slowly but Shirley healing.  It only hurts when I first get up in the morning, or if I have been sitting on the floor.  So that's good news.  I'm not feeling so shaky on my feet these days.  I did of course just break my pinky toe, so don't be thinking I've become graceful at all.  The toe is on the other foot, thank ya Jeebus.

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Living here has been better this time around.  The first time we were here was when I started this blog I think (it was called Devious Integrity in that era). I was so sad and depressed and lonely!  The nothingness of this small town was such a downer.  This time, it's taken me almost a year to start feeling depressed and stir crazy, a new record for me!  I'm fine really, but the boredom really takes a toll.  I go up to Annapolis (Kent Island really) to visit my sister fairly often, that breaks up the monotony a bit.  It's a 2 hour drive, so some planning and mostly overnights have to happen to make the trip.

I tried volunteering at a cat shelter but that turned into a shit show fairly quickly.  The cats were mostly feral and were hissy, they refused to be petted or cuddled (what I imagined doing).  One cat would leap onto your back if you bent over and dig his claws in.  That made cleaning litter boxes (what I really was doing) quite the challenge.  I cannot bend over like that for much time anyway, it hurts my sciatica.  And cleaning cat boxes is a sweaty, smelly, dusty job.  I was perhaps a bit naïve when I began that project, but I certainly didn't expect long hours of cat pee and poop and getting scratched and bit.  So I quit that.

I've kept my Ebay side hustle going.  On my trips up to Annapolis I make stops at the Goodwill or Salvation Army there and buy stock.  It's going well, but as it's just after Christmas business is a bit slower than I would like right now.  

But here we are, mid-ish January, and I'm feeling very down and like life is worthless.  I'm certain the weather has a lot to do with it, but the fact that there is literally NOTHING to do down here but go out to eat or drink really does take a toll.  Jeff is leaving today for two weeks in South Korea, so I may be a drooling blithering idiot by the time he gets back.  I'm thinking this weekend is a good idea for a trip to my sister's.  Yeah, that's the ticket.

**************************

I wont be discussing narcs and my childhood much anymore, I don't think.  I've said as much as I can think of on the subject, and I'm still fully estranged from my step-mother, so there isn't much happening in that area anyway.

I've been spending some time on Baby Center - there is a forum there called Dealing With In Laws (DWIL) that is ALL about narcs and their affect on their children, especially those just having babies.  Because that's when the crazy really comes out to play.  I recommend the site, it's interesting and very interactive.  DWIL Nation <-- there's the linky.

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I think that's about all the news there is!  Now I'm off to read all ya'lls blogs and get caught up.  I noticed Jonsi has quit blogging - I'll miss her bright energy that's for sure.  Anyone else still up and around?

Happy 2018!

Happy 2018!

I successfully let this blog flounder for all of 2017 - but it was a bad year anyway so any posts would have been whiney.  Here's how it went...

In April, I broke my foot.  Like, BROKE IT broke it.  I tripped while walking (on a sidewalk, not running, just walking.  You know, *graceful*) and ended up dislocating my entire big tow away from my foot.  I also broke it  - I had two plates and 11 screws holding it together.  I was consigned to bed rest because I absolutely had to stay off of it.  And it took 6 MONTHS to heal.

One plate and the 11 screws.  Pen added for size comparison

It wasn't the *best* of times.  I finally got a boot to wear and one of those knee scooters to use, so I could leave the house once in while.  Jeff had to come home at lunch every day to walk the dogs - it was a strain there for a while.  In October I had my second surgery to remove the hardware, and I've been relearning to walk ever since.  I'll never wear flip-flops again.

In the midst of all of that, we ended up having to put both our dogs down.  It was traumatic and so sad - they both were just very old and could no longer function well at all.  Charlie began to get aggressive, Fiona went blind and deaf, at any rate, it was a huge blow to lose them both.

We found out in August that Jeff was being hand selected for a job - a job that will be a big life changer for us!  We were told the paperwork was going through at thtat moment, and we should anticipate being in Maryland (again, yes) in November.  I quickly began packing up the house because I would need to get most of it done before my second surgery when I would again be on bed rest.  So, you see, my ENTIRE HOUSE has been packed since September.  No pictures on the walls, second bedroom furniture sold and gone, almost everything in the kitchen packed.  I've been living with one small frying pan and one small pot now for four months, along with a pile of cardboard boxes in my dining room.  Because, see - he IS up for this job, and the paperwork IS going through, but since it's the government the pace has been less urgent than we were given to believe.  Less RUNNING and more of a *stroll*.  Now it's January and we still haven't received the final offer letter yet.  My patience is running thin here.

And the capper of it all - Jeff's brother passed away just before Christmas.  From complications of cancer and all other manner of things.  We just buried him on December 27th.

It's been one shit show of a year.  *clink* here's to 2018, may it rise from the ashes like a phoenix.

So tell me, how did YOUR year go?

The Missing Years (now with more pictures)

I've been away from this blog so long - I quit for a mental health break and that went on for over a year! Here's what I've been up to since you saw me last:

First, because it's the biggest news, Mike and Sam got Married!  In September of 2016.

It was a beautiful wedding, they are madly in love.

In July of 2015 Jeff and I went to IRELAND boo yah! 

Blarney Castle, Ireland

We started in Dublin and stayed there for a couple days, seeing the sights.  Then we hopped on a 5-day bus tour of most of Ireland.  It was the best way of seeing as much as we could in our timeframe.  And boy, did we see a lot.

Ireland looks exactly like those calendars you get, you know the ones where you're thinking 'oh, the whole place cannot possibly look as wonderful as all that'?  but yep, it does. 

Village of Cashel, Ireland

We are planning on going back at some point because I cannot imagine not seeing it again.

Jeff and I, at the River Shannon

2016 was the year of a LOT of travel.  (2017 is the year of save some fucking money)

In July 2016 we went to Kaua'i Hawaii.  GORGEOUS.  However, Kaua'i is very rural, very quiet. 

Sunset on Poipu Beach, Kaua'i

We stayed at the Sheraton Kaua'i on Poipu Beach, and it was SO CLOSE to the ocean.  If you go I recommend you just go ahead and spring for the deluxe ocean front room because the sunset up there?  Was taken from our balcony. 

we did this tubing adventure but this is not my picture!

We floated down an abandoned sugar plantation's irrigation ditch, which was absolutely beautiful.  4 enthusiastic thumbs up for that.  We hung out in the hotel pool, rented a cabana for a day, took drives to see the scenery

View from Kaua'i lighthouse monument

It was very fun.  But next time, if there is a next time for Hawaii, we will go to Maui. You can't go wrong with any of the Islands is what I'm betting.

In early November Jeff had a business trip to Budapest, so I tagged along.  Brrrrr.  But beautiful.

Then for Thanksgiving in 2016 I went to go visit Mike and Samantha.  They cooked a Thanksgiving dinner that couldn't be beat, we played games and Mike took me to a couple hiking spots where I did zero hiking (because mud) but we saw this waterfall

And we went on a nature hike and his roommate took this adorable picture of us

And that ends 2016.  I feel like I went all over the world lately.  2017 started out with a bang (literally, Mike got hit by a car and I just got back from 2 weeks more in Oregon helping to take care of him after surgery) and this year will culminate in a trip to Scotland (eeeeep!) - Jeff has another business trip so I will tag along and we will stretch it out for another week of sightseeing.

So now we're all caught up on ME, what have the rest of you been up to?  Any new news, any big happenings?  Any new run-ins with the narcs we all know and lurve?

boo

is this thing still alive?  I just found my password, O frabjous day - anybody still around out there?

What's 'normal'?

"Normal" - it has always been something I wasn’t.  I would tell people 'I'm not normal'.

I'm not normal.  I'm crazy.  My brain is broken.  I'm odd.  Weird.  A dork.

I also used to say, long long ago, that I was stupid.

People will believe what you tell them about yourself.

Worse?  YOU start believing what you're telling yourself.  It becomes exactly who you are.

When I met Jeff I had been working on NOT saying I was stupid for a few years.  I had created a new online name at that time -  SmartChick[number] and that's how he met me, and that’s the name he still calls me sometimes :)  I AM smart.  But it was also the opposite of STUPID and as far away from comfortable as I could get really.  It took YEARS for me to re-write that program in my head.  I had to go out of my comfort zone and actively say I’m smart!’ when that made me sort of sweat. [I would say I was stupid as a way to be non-threatening, as a way to get ahead of the jokes about me because I was still so nervous and stressed I would walk into walls (not kidding) or spill things on myself, and while not technically STUPID it was my way of telling people 'I KNOW']

I would NEVER ever tell people that I'm stupid at this point in my life.  Never.  I had to really, really work on that.  Stop myself.  Change my online name.  BECOME 'smart chick'.  I changed my perception of myself, and changed it permanently.  It's so normal to me now that I cannot even THINK of a time I would say I was stupid.  It's such a mean thing to say about anyone - why would I call my own self such a name?  

In the last year I have also stopped saying 'I'm broken'.  I don't LEAD with my child abuse any longer.  I am who I am.  I may explain that I have social anxiety once in a while, because that's far closer to the truth than 'broken' or 'weird'.

This has become my new normal.  This is me now.

That's what I'm talking about - how to change your normal.

Take, por ejemple, a drug addict - let's say meth addict because that's the extreme we've all seen on tv.  Their 'normal' is worrying about, acquiring, and ingesting drugs.  Their 'normal' is isolation, bad hygiene, bad sleep, bad nutrition, theft, lying, scamming, deception...  That's a normal life for an addict (in this example anyway).

If you lead a certain life, you have a certain 'normal'.  If you want a different life, you need to change your 'normal'.

A recovering drug addict would have to become a non-drug user.  Their new normal would be abstinence.  Watching for triggers.  Vigilance.  Reflection.  Actively pursuing sobriety and recovery.  That normal is tough - and the recovering addict might say 'why can't I just be done?  Why is this a constant fight with me?  Other people don't even THINK about drugs - why ME?'

And the response sucks too.  BECAUSE THAT'S YOUR NORMAL.  You want a sober life?  That’s the normal.

For me, my normal right now is sitting.  Sedentary.  Inactive (huh, like a hypnotized sloth I'm inactive.  I''m practically pining for the fjords)

'That parrot is definitely deceased!'
'No no, he's merely pining for the fjords'

Being inactive doesn’t help my depression OR the size of my ass.  I need to get back to what I was doing when I felt good.  But it can't be a project, like when I lost all that weight (and have gained it all back because PROJECT).  There isn’t an end.  An ‘Achievement Unlocked’ award .  

It just has to become who I am.  My new normal.  This is why that stupid saying even exists - 'it's not a diet, it's a lifestyle!'.  Only, that never really rang a bell with me. But changing what I'm doing because that's my new normal, that makes sense.  

Like, dammit - I'm a sugar/carb addict, and even a little bit of it triggers a bio-chemical reaction in my brain that I can't control.  Sweet+savory+fat = Size 14 pants for me.  So my new normal is saying 'no' to that.  My addiction is my normal.  Sedentary is my normal.  I want a new normal, so I need to take action and create one.  It becomes just more of who I am.  So on top of addict, and sedentary, I also have recovering and moving as my normal.  Simple.  But not easy.  It’s conscious effort, not the original program running in the background.  This is in your front-brain, until it becomes the new script.

And if your normal is feeling like an outcast/weirdo?  Those of us raised in abuse, who have shattered normal-meters.  Who can't survive long in social situations, us who have very quick agile brains that make connections others don't see (due to prolonged exposure to crazy).  Those of us who have seen enough of life to know that Stephen King might actually be a biographer, not a fiction writer.  The way your brain works, misfires and all, is your normal.

You ARE normal.  You're normal the way people with black hair or a club foot or bad teeth or pattern baldness are normal.

The first step to feeling better (in my stupid opinion) really is to stop calling yourself anything.  In your head, on 'paper', to other people.  Not weird, not odd, not depressed, not anything.  Because we've made a habit out of leading with the abuse and damage.  That's not all of who we are.  People with bald spots don't immediately tell people about it, or wear a sproingy arrow hat that points to it.  It's just part of who they are.  Same thing.  

I love this picture.  SO much.

That's really the biggest hurdle.  Because if you can re-write that script in your head, you can start to just be YOU.  Even if that you can only be at a party for 30 minutes - you find out you can be calm about it.  You can say 'I have another engagement I need to leave' even if the other engagement is sitting on your couch.  You don't have to be nervous, or apologetic about YOU.  And you can stop hating you, and wishing for a different you.

You can layer new normal on top of your base-line.  Positive self-talk.  Exercise.  Medication.  Meditation.  Whatever it is that helps your brain function better and helps YOU feel less crazy – that can become your normal too.

Depression?  NORMAL.  New normal?  Depression, + take meds that help, get enough sleep, get exercise, stop eating processed foods, etc.

Anxiety?  NORMAL.  New normal?  Anxiety + [whatever works here].

Clumsy?  NORMAL.  New normal?  Clumsy + slow down, be aware, deliberate movement, flat shoes.

Fat knees?  NORMAL.  New normal?  Fat knees plus remembering that those knees get you to the park, to your kid's events, to your job or your fun.  And reminding yourself that knees are just knees and NOT HAVING knees would be abnormal.  Having knees of any kind?  NORMAL.

It takes being kind to yourself.  Stopping the internal hate war we wage against ourselves.  It does take work, because this isn’t the original program that has run in the background your entire life.  It’s a constant, conscious, overwrite of the tape installed in childhood.  But getting a new normal is worth the work of the rewrite.  Because the new normal will be what helps you feel better, to feel PEACE.

And I dunno about you, but PEACE is what I’ve been looking for since I started this journey.  Hope I find it soon.  I feel like I'm closer, anyway.

I wanted a pic of a headstone that said something about 'found peace at last'
But this is funnier.

Still surprised

Last year I started a zero-sum budget.  I bought envelopes and we started using cash only for restaurants, each of our spending (gas, my manicures, etc), groceries.  I started buying cashiers checks each payday toward our rent because we kept having to pay a late fee, so this way a chunk came out of each payday.

Last year we paid off two loans - one personal loan and our debt to The State of California.  PAID IN FULL.  We haven't ever again paid a late fee on any bill, ever.

Last year we managed to save over $5,000.

Our actual envelopes!  Also, I need a manicure.  Hmmm.

Last year I managed to supplement my hair/manicure budget by recycling our cans/plastic bottles and also by ganking other people's recycling out of the dumpster.  I SWALLOWED MY PRIDE.  I probably got over $100 from other peoples recycling alone.

Last year I paid attention to my Ebay sales with renewed interest and managed to save, in a baby savings account all my own, over $500.  That doesn't include the money I would withdraw now and again to buy Mike some random groceries or buy some new pants or whatever.

Last year we went to 5 concerts!  We went to Vienna for a week!  We budgeted for it and it was awesome.

Last year I felt like I got a good, firm grip on my life.  Finally.  At 54 years old.  I started living my life from inside of it, rather than feeling like I was looking at my own life through a window.

Last year I forgave myself for having disabilities.  I started celebrating the fact that I have learned how to move through life even with those disabilities:  debilitating social anxiety, OCD, dyslexia, possibly somewhere low on the aspergers scale.  I stopped apologizing and calling myself weird and broken.  I stopped acknowledging my disabilities at all - they have LONG been incorporated into my life and personality, I didn't need to remind myself at every turn.  I'm FINE, I'm functioning, I've been taking care of myself since I was a baby.  Everybody has 'stuff'.  *shrug*

Last year I learned that my body hates certain foods and it's ok if I never eat them again.  Like fruit.  and lettuce.  I learned I could lose 30 pounds by giving up grains.  I ALSO LEARNED I COULD GAIN BACK 20 OF THOSE POUNDS because life is stupid without cookies and what not.  I learned I could use some of that Ebay money and buy back some jeans in a bigger size since I got all high and mighty and tossed my 'fat' clothes.  yeah.

Last year I learned that my depression is going to be with me forever.  I beat it back by taking wellbutrin - by getting enough sleep and by getting a LOT of exercise because endorphins/dopamine/serotonin keep my brain happy - sadly exercise alone does not smaller my ass, but whatevs.  I need a happy brain.  Last year Jeff started asking me 'have you walked today?' because he can tell when I haven't.  It finally registered that while I will have the depression beast to consider for the rest of my life, I can take responsibility for what I CAN control and that?  felling of being in control?  SO HELPFUL.  I learned to recognize the signs and do what I need to do to keep myself sane(er) - walk? alone time? sit in the sun? all three?  Whatever it is, I can handle it.

Last year I learned SO MUCH about narcissism, and dysfunction.  And how letting it all go, dropping the rope - best decision I ever made.  And with that, all the fear left me.  I'm not scared anymore.  It's easier to leave the house, easier to talk to people.  The tape loop of negativity playing in my head?  gone.  Those ghosts don't exist anymore.  I had the power all along.  I dropped the rope and it went away.

Last year I started learning, and I'm continuing it through this year, that even though I am still absolutely convinced something woo-woo surrounds me, I don't have to give it any headspace.  It has no power over me.  I started thinking about it like 'the earth turns, I don't know how that happens.  The interwebz is not a bunch of computers in a big room somewhere, so I don't really know how THAT works.  Planes fly, I seriously can't explain THAT.  So the woo-woo surrounding me?  meh" and with that, a huge burden also lifted off me.  I don't really care anymore.  I don't look for it.  I don't question every dream, every hairpin.  <--I do NOT pick those up anymore.  It's as much a part of my life as my brown eyes and so I quit stressing over it.  I just accept it.  And wonder of wonders, it seriously doesn't bother me anymore.  *shrug*

Photograph of alleged Man In Black taken in October, 1986, in Elizabeth, New Jersey. Credit: James W. Moseley

Last year I started focusing on the future.  Saving money, sorting out our various retirement accounts, paying off bills.  We have goals now - some huge (we're going to Ireland!  for two weeks!  OH EM GEE) and some sort of wacky (I'm seriously considering buying a double-wide in a 55 & over trailer park and owning it for the rest of our lives) and some goals seem so very out of reach (be completely absolutely debt free, able to live on paychecks and savings and NEVER using credit or having a loan again).

But if you don't have a goal, what are you aiming for?  Where will you be in a year?  I like having a goal these days.  It's part of letting go of fear.  I'm a groan-up (wink to TW!) and I'm fully capable of owning a home OR renting forever and taking trips and all that, and deciding this stuff with just conversations between Jeff and I - not me and the million ghosts who used to live in my head telling me I can't/I'll fail/I'm stupid.  Bye, ghosts!

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=bye+felicia

Last year.  Man, last year was sorta crowded.  But I still feel like this year will be huge.  Change is coming.  For me anyway.  Could be internal change, could be external (face lift!) could be both.  This next year may just be the wind-up to the huge *POW* of the year after.  

But suddenly life is SO EXCITING!  It's actually FUN - not in the fits and starts of my previous lives, but I'm INSIDE MY LIFE NOW!  I'm invested in it, I'm INTERESTED in it, I'm living right here, right now.  Not running in fear from me, or bills, or what I said/did while drunk - there is no fear.  And that freed up SO MUCH SPACE.  

I'm really, consistently, MOSTLY, happy these days.  Well, slap my ass and call me Judy.  I still can't seem to get used to that feeling.  I LOVE IT.

*spoiler alert* he didn't die

Bullet pointed because I. Just. Cant. Even.

• Nurse misspoke and told Keith and mom that death was eminent
• It wasn't
• C Diff infection is gastro/intestinal thing.  No way to cure it for dad yet but one way has found success in some patients
• Fecal transplant
• yes I said fecal transplant
• We though it was going to have to be Jeff who donated, DNA and all that.  
• Turns out that much like a 'blood bank' there is a fecal bank
• Yep
• They did the transplant
• Dad immediately starts hollerin' to go home.  They advise against, he insists, they have no power to keep him, he goes home
• Dad back in hospital on the 20th
• ha. ha. ha.
• No clue if there will be another transfer *shudder*, I'm staying well clear of that hell
• Jeff is going to their house for Christmas dinner.  I ordered ham dinner from grocery store, Keith will pick up.  
• I am staying home in my PJs because NOPE.

Meanwhile, related news:

• Jeff's sister Debbie ALSO decided NOPE.  no more.
• She sent Keith and Jeff a text saying that she was going to give her husband power of attorney for her, because she wouldn't always be around to help make minute-by-minute decisions (works at a court house and no phones, whatnot)
• I thought this was sorta brilliant, giving her an extra layer of protection against the madness
• Keith and Dad think her husband is nefarious abuser who is angling for control of both sister and the house Dad owns
• (yes, the house that has a reverse mortgage on it and now I have a headache)
• Sister's son who is about 23 is arrested for burglary for the second time and is in jail
• Jeff sends sister a text expressing concern/condolences at 3:00 PM on the 20th (magic date)
• At 10:30 PM same day Jeff receives vitriolic texts back telling him to shove his concern up his ass, etc
• I'm left wondering if that was sister texting or husband?  Now I need a foil hat because I'm suspicious of everything
• 'have a nice life' was tossed by both parties

Meanwhile, same day, December 20th, family xmas party with Jeff's kids, my kid, extended family, all very fun happy people.  My kind of party!

• Keith is there, which is good we haven't seen him in a long time
• He has had a mild heart attack and his health is sorta failing, I clutch my pearls and he laughs because he is our only line of defense.  I say 'you cannot die' and he says 'oh believe me, I know' and we laugh again.  It's all good between us, every time, in person.  Hmmmm.
• Keith and I have a sit down talk which is not necessarily a CTJ (come to jeebus) but IS more firm from me
• I tell him Dad has NOTHING to apologize to me for, I have not CO (cut off) his parents because of the shitty things they said TO me, stop with arranging a deathbed reunion. 
• It's about Jeff and his pain, I don't like when someone talks to my husband like that and makes him so upset he breaks out in acne on his face at 57 years old from stress
• I also have been the scapegoat before, I recognize it, they are turning me into one again with the P/A comments behind my back (calling me a vulture, accusing me of trying to steal crystal and the mink coat incident, telling people I'm on her 'list' because I didn't go get Baby Keith from Baker on his ill-fated trip to Las Vegas, etc), and insert the NOPE FISH picture here again.
• He tells me he thinks sister's husband is nefarious abuser who is angling for control of both sister and the house Dad owns (copied from above)
• (they still think there is $500,000 in equity in that home magical thinking MORE POWER TO YA)
• He repeats for the gabillionth time that when the parents die HE gets the money
• I repeat for the gabillionth and one time that the fucking TRUST DOCUMENTS of which we have a copy specifically leave all property divided equally between the three kids
• I encourage, nay, INSIST that he get someone out to that house to re-draw the trust docs while both parents are in their right minds (ha) to give it all to Keith (including the magical unicorn and leprechaun with his pot of gold that live under that house)
• I also tell him to get a POA, even a limited one, naming HIM as having the POA for his parents
• Jeff absolutely does not want any part of that house.  He thinks Keith has earned whatever there is in equity simply by wiping asses, driving to the VA 6 times a week, and just living in that madness.  I totally agree, but my opinion doesn't matter really because as I keep telling Keith, IT'S NONE OF MY BIDNESS
• I DO NOT WANT ANY PART OF THIS SHIT STORM
• ha ha that up there ^^ is funny because C Diff infection causes horrific STENCH FILLED diarrhea which from what keith said CANNOT BE CONTAINED IN ANY ADULT DIAPER KNOWN TO MAN

Aaaand I'll just re-add that NOPE FISH here because NOPE.

I have lots to catch up on here.  My trip to Florida and the side-trip to Daytona Beach.  Thoughts on what is 'normal'.  My glee that christmas is almost over again for another year.  Positive energy.  All that rigamarole.

Wishing all of you a very quiet, happy, and calm Christmas and New Year.  Comfortable stretchy warm PJs, mugs of soup or coffee or stew.  Cookies and great movies and naps and lapfuls of furry pets.  

Deathbed Apologies (do you smell that?)

**(update already and I haven't published this yet.  Jeff texted me that his dad is awake and looks better.  I responded with a succinct LOL.  Jeff replied 'same routine'.  Holding off on cute dress for funeral again)**

Jeff's dad is in the hospital (again, forever and ever, world without end, amen) and has been since just after Thanksgiving.

[they had tried to guilt us into coming for TD and I told Jeff sincerely to JUST GO but I wasn't going to put myself on a narc dinner platter in that house of disease.  He chose to spend it with me, natch.  His mom even called me (ME!) and used her airy-fairy voice on me 'if you guys aren't busy tomorrow...' uh, no thx see ya - we didn't go obv]

Anywhozle this hospital trip has revealed that nDad still has 'c difficile' which is an intestinal infection that is essentially non-curable.  He also still has MRSA along with the 3 types of cancer he's had for years.  But it's this infection that is, finally, killing him (praise jesus call the undertaker)

End of life specialist meeting called this morning at 9 - Jeff is there right now.  I am NOT there.  My dog has a bladder infection and I am taking her to the vet.  I haz priorities.  Besides, this is a meeting that wives and in-laws do not need to attend.

PUNCHLINE:

Jeff's brother told Jeff 'dad would like to clear things up with Casey before he dies' (paraphrase but you get the jist) which.  HELL-lo.

1.  Admission of guilt.  Old fucker knows he was a complete asshole MANY times over and that he is the reason I wont speak to them anymore

2.  The Narc Playbook!  Isn't one of the last rules in it telling the narc to have a Deathbed Confession?!  EXCEPT - it will just be shuck-&-jive, more jibber-jabber, more bullshit and finger pointing.  There is never an admission of guilt, and then an apology, and then a request for forgiveness.

This is playing out like a made for tv movie.

And the kicker is, really - he didn't do anything to ME.  He was a horrific raging asshole to my husband, and to the rest of his immediate family, to which I had a reaction and chose to sever contact. Ain't nobody treats my husband like that and get's no consequences.  But actually TO ME?  nah, the man never raged at me.  He was shitty, and all that, but never RAGED at me.

So why me?  I'll tell you why.  I'm the only one who SAW HIM.  I'm the one who called him AND his family on their bullshit.  I know he could hear me in the background when he was yelling and narc-raging at Jeff on the phone that one time - He could hear me saying !!!WHAT?!? and whatnot in the background.  He had a witness to his insanity from outside the narc-circle.  And now he wants to plug that hole.  Somebody HAD to be the scapegoat, and Keith, the brother (who went to Vegas but ended up in Baker, remember?) who has typically been the SG was now the caretaker and the sister who shared the SG role was DONE and was on very LC with them, and Jeff is the GC so...  oh hey!  it's ME!  lol.  Scapegoat again *shakes fist*  it's just, sad kinda - because he has no power.  And since I went NC with that entire family, I never heard any of the bad-mouthing that I'm sure I got.

I can hear it now "I meant well, I was a very sick man, I was upset, let's put this all behind us what does any of this matter?  let's pray" and that entire thing will be a non-admission, a non-apology, and a non-starter.

BUT - and here is the nut of the issue.  I don't give a fuck.  I don't want an apology, because he didn't do anything to me!  He hurt my husband badly - so apologize to him?  I don't care what he says, or how he says it.  Jeff want's me to go and let the old man do his thing and die in peace.  And for Jeff, I can do that.  I guess.  *shrug*

Sometimes, you do things simply so you do not look like an asshole to other people.  This is one of those times.  I'm going to see Jeff's family at bbqs and whatnot every once in a while for the next 20 years.  I'm vain and selfish enough to want to be known as 'the forgiver', lol.  I'M A HORRIBLE PERSON, I get this.  But I will go, and stand in that room, and let him talk.  And I might say something in reply like 'do you like these shoes?  I think mice are so cute!  woof woof!' and mess with his deathbed head.  And then when he tells people after I leave that I said things like that, they will shake their heads and think the morphine kicked in.  And I get to look like the good guy.

And after THAT I will go home and take 7 showers and then take clorox bleach wipes to my car and door handles and wash my clothes in hot water.

And hopefully NOW i can start shopping for a cute black dress.  Hopefully now there will be a funeral.

(OH and I checked the VA death benefits page and the VA pays $300 for funeral costs.  Looks like I need to start looking for a cardboard fridge box behind Sears because I AM NOT PAYING FOR A FUNERAL oh hell no)

For fun, I will provide links to the prior madness:
Watching a train wreck
The hits keep on coming
I'll burn it down first

oh, jeeze. ELL OH ELL

Yeah, second post today but GET THIS

My eldest sister just called to wish me a happy birthday.  She said 'I couldn't remember if you celebrate on the 1st or the 3rd so I'm calling today on the second!'

Let me explain this:

I think I've mentioned.  When my dad brought me to Calif he changed my birthday in order to get me into 1st grade before the cutoff - so that he could have control of me from my mother in Fla, so that I was in school and not needing daycare, so that HIS life worked for him.  HE CHANGED MY BIRTHDAY.  It was a big deal, they made it a big deal, and all these years later my eldest sister is still confused.  (They also didn't like calling me Casey, I had to go by Kathy for a while (I guess until they gave up since I probably told everyone my name was Casey when they asked, because I WAS FUCKING 5/6 YRS OLD)  I mean, it was only from the 3rd to the 1st - what's the problem, right?  confused the everloving crap out of me.

SO all these years later, I am now 54 (tomorrow) and my own sister cannot remember which day I celebrate.  But she knew what day I was actually BORN - I mean, do you get that?  (to be fair I cannot remember all of their birthdays either, I know the month but not the exact day.  But she remembers enough to be confused by it still).

It's just mind-blowing what they take away from you in order to make their lives easier.  My birthday, AND my name.  Not to mention my mother, my aunt, my home, my brother - *poof* all gone because it didn't fit the image.

And oddly enough, or maybe not odd because all the great things happening lately, this is just sort of a period at the end of a sentence about my childhood.  It really did happen.  People DO remember.  And it really doesn't matter anymore!  She called, and I love her for remembering my day and for making the effort.

And that is a good start to the last 3rd of my life!

I love my life. Who knew.

It's raining here in SD.  It's like a birthday gift a day early this rain.  WATER.

I was re-reading my recent blog posts, because so much has happened in such a short amount of time and I want to make sure I'm remembering it.

I found the one I did about animal totems.  And I'd like to re-post the three animals i looked up at the time:

There is a great transformation happening within you right now. Trust that your life history has prepared you for this momentous change.

-Crow

I have been talking about this momentous change for months.

What you see and judge as shortcomings in others is also reflected within you. Realize that true acceptance comes from the heart and that there is no need for judgement in any shape or form. Allow forgiveness to flow through you.

-Pelican

And this - forgiving ME is so hard, but forgiving others in my life for being human.

Consider the future you are weaving. Does it include your biggest dreams?

-Spider

I'm weaving a future...

*******************************

When I posted these originally, I was simply recognizing the animals that were trying so hard to get my attention.

Then I went on writing and listening and moving forward.  Now I look at these totem definitions and I AM BLOWN AWAY.

The post I did about old 'friends' contacting me, and forgiving them and ME for the past.  The doorways and threshholds and this last third of my life coming, coming and being important, and MOMENTOUS CHANGE - not necessarily physical change, like moving house, but now I see.  Emotional change.  HUGE.  And then getting creative, creating things yes but creating my future using ideas I had long abandoned as unsuitable.

Trust that your life history has prepared you for this momentous change.

hoo boy.

I love my life.  I LOVE MY LIFE.  wow - tears again.  So many truths coming at me so fast these days.

I'm going out to walk in this miracle of RAIN, and see what the universe has to say to me today.  And I am smiling so big.

Becalmed

1. <becalmed at last, she slept soundly for the first time in weeks> (years) (decades?)

Not only am I not scared anymore - I'm not angry anymore.

huh.

I've been both of those things - Very Scared, and Completely Pissed The Fuck Off, for about 54 years now.  I't different, this new 'not' feeling.  I just got the chills, ack shoo lee.

I'm not angry about the abuse anymore.  Which is NOT to say anything stupid like 'I forgive my abusers' or any bullshit like that.  I most assuredly do NOT forgive.  The abuse has not been acknowledged by the perpetrators, and forgiveness has not been requested.  In my world, both of those things have to happen before I would ever consider 'forgiveness'.

[And, sorry all you ACoNs just starting out, but that shit ain't EVER going to happen.  Let me just get you to the end of the story real quick - stop writing letters.  Stop explaining.  Stop making grand gestures.  Stop crying and explaining boundaries - stop wasting time, and over-extending your hope-bone.  And for the love of christ, please stop feeding your children to 'The Grandparents' - your children ARE being abused, right in front of your eyes.  They see your stress/fear/anger and assume that is a normal response to them.  The narcs will not become anything else than what they are.  That leaves YOU to become something other than what you are.  It's YOUR responsibility, and your only hope.  The End.]

But angry?  meh.  See, I used to swim with sharks.  They ate me.  A LOT.  it hurt, a lot.  I kept asking them not to do it.  But I kept swimming around in that pool.  And every time I did, I would get a stomach ache and a headache and drink too much to compensate for the stress of being around sharks.  They did not understand what I was saying because I do not speak shark.  Now I do not go in that pool.  The sharks are still in there, swimming around.  Eating others, I suppose.  But it's not ME anymore.  And it isn't any of my business what they are doing.

Do you get that?  Once you go NO CONTACT it isn't any of your business if the narcs are still being narcs.  I don't go to the edge of the shark pool and look to see what is happening.  I don't ask my sisters if my mother (shark) is eating someone else.  I don't want to know, and it is none of my business anyhow.  I am free.

I will no longer waste my time being angry at a bunch of sharks in a shark tank.  *shrug* they just are who they are.  I can shake my fist at the fates who allowed me to be born into that mess.  Sounds futile but I did it for years.  I can HATE the sharks for being sharks and for feeding on me all the time.  For not seeing that I was not born to be food, that I was just a baby/kid - well, sounds just as useless and I did that for years too.  I would yell and cry and all, and they would just look at me with shark eyes and think 'food'.  They didn't ever once say 'hmmmn, why is this food making so much noise?' it never occurred to them.  And in all those years of fear and anger and hate, I never once just got myself out of the fucking pool.  It never occurs to US that there is a ladder and a towel waiting outside.  Probably an iced tea too.

I'm out now.  It's silly, all that angst and energy I wasted being so angry and scared when all I had to do was get out, dry off, and walk away.

Whole

I'm learning that it's really ok to jettison people.  that it's still ok to want to do that, even after getting rid of narcs and whatnot - even though these people may not have been from 'the bad time' - when being with someone takes more energy than you like, it's time.

When a person is broken also, same as you, it can mean 'hey ha ha we get each other!' or it can mean nothing.  I can see that you are broken but your pieces do not fit with my pieces, not really.

I'm just so done with things/people/events that sap my energy and don't give me any back.  Now that I've had an epiphany about myself - that I'm really not all THAT broken and that my definition of what makes me strong and good is changing.  And that just because I might like a person doesn't mean they need to make it into my inner sanctum of peaceful friendship.  Arms length is a good place for some people and the best place for me to keep them.

We all know that going no contact with narcs is the only way to happiness in that area.  All of us get there eventually.  Once you realize that no birthday party, no christmas morning, no family event is worth their presence.  But it seems to have boxed my thinking up.  It isn't just SUPER BAD GUYS that need weeding out.  It can be other people too - perfectly friendly, nice, non-horrible people who I just don't like all that much.  There doesn't have to be a reason other than MY reason, which is that they don't make me feel easy and energized.

Absolutely nothing is coming with me into my new world, my final third - nothing that I don't want.  And picking what I don't want is fun, actually.  It's very easy to recognize.

I'm going to break the mold for Thanksgiving and Christmas from here on out too.  There is more than one way to skin that goose before you roast it up.  Being with family, nope.  Being with a FOC - well, maybe but being ALL ALONE might be the nicest, happiest thing ever.  Maybe renting one of those cottages on that pier and finally feeling completely light, free, and RIGHT is what I'll do.  Jeff will join me on the porch (once he is home from his family obligation) and we will watch the sun set over the water.

Nothing bad happened on Thanksgiving!  nothing at all.  I didn't feel threatened or unhappy.  But I didn't feel SWELL, like it was the best use of my time and energy.  By the end I was just looking forward to it being over, which yes any company can make you feel that way, really - but there wasn't an equal and opposite feeling at the beginning, a feeling of excited looking forward.  And during, no feeling of energized conversation.  It was fun - it was fine.  The best that could be said was that there was no drama.  Which used to be all I asked for.  I want more these days.

I'm done with feeling uncomfortable around anyone.  I just realized, the point of this post - my being uncomfortable isn't about how broken I am, it isn't about personal space or anything to do with ME actually.  Besides the fact that I chose to spend time with people who make me uncomfortable.

It's my bad choices, made out of a misconception that broken people should stick together.  It stems from choosing friendships with people when you are first and foremost broken, and you want to surround yourself with other broken people.  I'm not really broken anymore, and I don't want broken anymore.

And my life is wide open to meet people I can really connect with.  Simply by not leading with my abused child self I imagine I will meet better (more whole?) people.  Broken people attract broken people.  I want to meet 'whole' people.  Interesting people.  NICE, calm, happy.  HAPPY people.  No more gathering people close simply BECAUSE they are broken.  More to the point would be gathering nice, interesting people into my world broken or not.  Not the first thing I look for, not the first thing I talk about.  Not the first think I show of myself.  The broken places aren't the most interesting places anyway!  not always.

Spotlight on the whole person, not just the cracks.

I have some good whole people already in my world.  I am cutting and culling the others.  And in turn I am making my own self learn to lead with my whole self, my interesting, happy, whole (as in not missing pieces) self.

The cracks are there - there is just no need to point them out.

Acceptance comes in many forms.  I ACCEPT ME.  I like me.  And all of me, the WHOLE me, is a pretty great person.

My mosaic table top *edited*

This is the mosaic table top I made at the class I signed up for.

Lo and behold, the woman is a kindred spirit.  not in the Lived with a Narc way, but in the 'wow my brain doesn't feel quite as broken when I'm around you' way.

I've already told her I'm interested in taking another class.

Doorway INDEED.

**********

Good grief.  Remember when I found this random photo on the internet?

I used Picasa and re-cropped it and lightened it:

TW - you are right, they are pretty Celtic looking.  Also IT'S A MOSAIC. (well, if by mosaic, in this case, you mean tiles in a frame.  but still.)

The table I just did.  Mosaic Celtic trinity.

These coincidences are just happening all the time, and if I wasn't writing this stuff down I wouldn't even remember.  Because stuff like this has happened all my life but unless it's on this blog, I don't really have specific examples.  Not many anyway.

I just keep moving forward into this new great place, and take notes on the way!