Wednesday, March 26, 2014

And the hits just keep on comin'...

(OH my lord this story - I keep re-reading it and editing it trying to clarify it and I realize it's convoluted and confusing but Life During Wartime and all that)

(this entry is so long - here - TL:DR narcs are narcs.  They have moved on to blaming me.  My marriage is fine.  I've gained back 5 pounds from stress eating crap.  Cloudy and 65* in San Diego.  roger, over.)

So Jeff's dad went back to the VA (surprise) (see my last post) and 24 hours later he was agitating to go home again.  He told the brother 'I'll call Jeff and have him come and get me' to which the brother (wisely) said 'nah dad, I'll do it' because of the horrific things that were said to Jeff on the phone from the hospital when he advised against the narc going home.

*notice there is no "ASK him to come and get me" - there is never PLEASE or THANK YOU or I'M SORRY.  there are only demands.  Your (very) basic attributes of a narc.*

Meanwhile, brother and MIL have discovered they are overdrawn at the bank.  Brother's trip to Vegas/Baker/Barstow/Vegas/San Diego cost more like $2,000 - my estimate of $1,700 was under by a bit.  They are now in a slithering panic.  I'm not sure when deposits from Social Security hit banks but Imma guess the 1st and 15th?  Maybe just on the 1st.  I don't care enough to look it up.  If you remember, Jeff's sister's husband (this is BIL for your clarity *snort*) and their youngest son (22-year old) were in town for some business, and were staying at the House of Horrors, which is why brother felt it was safe to leave town.  While there, BIL did some things like cleaning, dishes, laundry, etc.  He also went to the grocery store.

His story is (and I believe this because I know this guy) (also this is what normal people DO) BIL would go to the store for groceries having been given the ATM card and PIN, and hand the receipts to MIL upon re-entry to crazytown.  Because he knows they are on a fixed income, he knows MIL has to account for all the pennies.  Also purchased during that time:  Chinese food when the narc said 'get it' upon which the card was declined due to lack of funds.  A night out for the 22-year old, which was paid for by the narc via ATM card and immediately reimbursed from sister's account to narcs account.  What I'm saying is - nothing fishy was happening to the money at that time.  

I believe this because I know Jeff's sister, I know the narcs, I know what the story is.

Meanwhile - the sister has access to the narcs accounts online.  She is the 'executor' I guess you could say - she helps with all that stuff.  She can pull up the financial transactions of the checking/savings account and often does this with her mother on the phone, balancing the account.  So, uh, she can SEE what transactions have taken place (I believe Jeff has this power also?  maybe?).  She can see what city and what store/ATM any transactions happened at.  (at which transactions took place?  bah - English).  So for instance, if someone withdrew an extra $400 in Barstow, it would show up.  ha.  PLEASE NOTE:  While money can be transferred from sister and Jeff's bank accounts INTO parent's bank account, it cannot be done the other way.  this was set up on purpose to avoid these accusations.  This is why when the parents repaid the car repair bill they did it with a check, not a direct transfer.

Meanwhile again - the BIL leaves Monday March 17 - actually takes his kid and BUGS THE FUCK OUT OF THERE because the abuse is too much.  FIL has been (and continues to be) extremely verbally and emotionally abusive.  Both the 22-year old and his 25-year old sister are upset and freaked out at the abuse by this grandfather who has typically been 'nice' to them.  Jeff goes over there on that prior Sunday (March 16) to watch basketball and narc is asleep.  22-year old and some friends have taken off for the beach to get the fuck away for a while.  BIL sees Jeff and takes off for the back yard with a cigarette and headphones and a beer because 5 MINUTES OF REST TAP OUT! (he has been texting Jeff and sister with stuff like 'i'm laughing so hard i'm crying this is insane' for two days now.)  Jeff sits down to chat with MIL (brother is still on Jack Kerouac road trip).  Narc wakes up (remember, he cannot move without help!) and starts YELLING out BILs name.  YELLING.  Like when you walked into the living room and saw that your child (let's say Jimmy) had left a milk glass turned over on the carpet and Legos everywhere - that voice.  JIMMY!  JIMMY!  

Not in the kind of voice you would use to call someone to 'help me please?  I'd like to get out of bed'  So Jeff is like a deer in the headlights and starts to get up (this isn't just help him out of bed, there is a diaper change involved and Jeff ain't doin' THAT) and MIL (thankfully) says 'no I'll go' at starts the laborious process of standing and getting her walker and inching down the hall.  More yelling coming from the bedroom and she stops and yells DOWN THE HALLWAY- I'M COMING!  JIMMY ISN'T COMING! and it is (according to Jeff) a SCENE.  

I tell you this so that you have a clearer idea of the mindset of this (typical) narc.  

**When he was in the hospital and badgering everyone to get him home which was a stupid idea, he was using every narc trick of manipulation there is.  Telling everyone a different story?  check.  Cajoling?  check.  Threats?  check.  Guilt?  check.  It's like all you guys got together to write a story about an aging narc (quit writing right now I mean it I want a story about unicorns bitches).**

OK - so.  To sum up at this point which is Sunday, March 16):  Brother is on road trip.  BIL and his kid are there and suffering horrible abuse about 'get us a car!' and 'loan us money!' and "live here and wipe my ass for $45/week!" and all the venom spewing from narc's mouth during that time.  Jeff is in the house trying to remain calm and remain removed from stress.

Monday sees the BIL leave in a cloud of dust since brother is on his way back.  Narc has since called Jeff and asked him for car money (politely and firmly declined).  Once brother is home he makes that infamous call to me asking Jeff if his kid still wanted to pay for another kid to help watch narc.  That night (after I lost MY MIND in anger poor Jeff) he called his brother and firmly said 'keep my kids out of this' and hung up the phone.  The next day narc sends a text 'you and your son made a very clear point yesterday' - to which Jeff replied 'good morning!  what point is that?' (har.  First because of the cheery 'good morning' -  my style of dealing with narcs, and second because Jeff's son had no contact with anyone at this point.)  Next we hear how BIL rearranged the entire kitchen and now MIL can't find anything!  Also how BIL overdrew the account and it's his fault, him and sister, and now what are they going to do?  Complaints and bitching about the people who are NO LONGER THERE because that is triangulation and manipulation and clouding any truth that may come out - throwing a smoke bomb, if you will.

Remember sister and BIL had paid for car repair in Lake Elsinore (listed as Temecula in my last post, sorry, wrong) to the tune of $700.  While BIL was in the House 'O Pain they gave him a reimbursement check.  When he left that monday BIL went to the bank, cashed it and deposited the cash in their account.  This was smart on his part because he knew that check, if deposited as a check and left in banking limbo, would have a good chance of bouncing.  THIS is what overdrew the account because the narcs didn't tell brother NOT to withdraw more money in Barstow.  ALSO the brother rented a car using a debit Visa and the rental place will tie up at least $500 of your cash if you do that.  Even when the rental place releases the money back to your bank, your bank will continue to tie up that money for up to TWO WEEKS.  He is 55-years old and had no clue about that.

Sister and Jeff text each other all during this time so that there is transparency and the narc cannot triangulate that way.  Jeff is allowing me to read all the texts from sister and BIL to keep me up to date and also because I am nosey like that.

Blah blah, the week passes same as the rest of this crap, more agitating and more drama and more fudging what exactly happened to overdraw the account. 

Sunday, Jeff was sposed to go over again.  Typically on a weekend, he goes up there and has a few beers, watches whatever sport is on TV and chats and then comes home.  He didn't feel like it on Sunday (imagine that) so he didn't go.  Got a call from his mom, I saw the phone ringing and he looked at me and said "it's THEM!" and we laughed and he didn't answer that call.  Brother decides at 10:00 pm to call MY phone - Jeff tells me to answer and I do and then pass it directly to Jeff.  Brother was all 'we wanted to make sure you're ok you said you were coming up here' - uh, yeah...  this is new.  Nobody has EVER called to check on where Jeff was.  Most Sundays he goes up there - sometimes he doesn't.  We were both all *raised eyebrows* about this.  We should have heard the crashing minor chords of a horror movie, but...

MONDAY night, right after that Sunday that Jeff didn't show, that they called looking for him - two nights ago - Jeff talks to his dad.  I dunno who called who - he calls and checks on them often, so *shrug* I was in the bedroom.  Narc proceeds to wheedle, jimmy, jive talk and pester about money.  (we had gotten the heads up from sister earlier that they tried this on them again.  She said a firm NO and they attacked her, then moved on to Jeff).  I came out and sat in the chair while Jeff was on the couch and I can hear his dad through the phone so I can hear the convo.  and the horrific things he said...  The guilt and manipulation and the yelling and then the sad crying and then the VENOM and oh, you guys.  (I am thinking the reason they were so upset that Jeff didn't show up on Sunday is that they were planning on cornering him in person to get him to give them money)

I was on the floor, sobbing.  Yes, - me.  sobbing.  (I take the prize for making all drama be about MEEE!) because this is rootling up some major PTSD trauma from my life.  Jeff is miserable on the phone, trying to talk to his dad "...really dad, we're gonna start a tally sheet now?" and I am (not kidding) on the floor, fetal position, just crying so hard you'd think my boyfriend broke up with my by the lockers at lunch.  I absolutely wasn't all "FEEL MAH FOREHEAD AH FEEL A FAINT COMIN' ON" loud and dramatic but I was having my own speyshul little MOMENT while listening to this.

The call ends when Jeff has had enough and hangs up the phone, but unbelievably, my husband has remained calm and cool during all this.  (He's also looking at me like I grew Medusa hair and a second nose because jayzhus Case, it's MY DAD SHUT UP)

Yesterday Jeff receives a text from his dad 'thank you for the call last night' <--parting shot.  Jeff didn't reply.  His sister texts him later that narc texted her 'ask Casey how Jeff is doing' (what what?  Am I keeping him from them?  and I controlling him?  Hrmm, I think that:)

1.  Probably he could hear me gasping and saying 'what the fuck!' while he was on the phone to Jeff, because while I wasn't part of the convo I could hear it and I was blown away.  It. was. that. bad.
2.  however I wasn't screaming or yelling I was def. GASPING it with hand to mouth and pacing and clearly (in front of Jeff) I was agitated and upset for my husband, and I was not being QUIET but I wasn't yelling at the phone but y'all, ownership here - I was pissed and upset and sure, now that I think of it I bet he could hear me at times but whatever, this is MY marriage, my husband, my business, and if you think I'm not going to have a reaction to this crap you are an idiot - but also:
3.  They need to blame someone and since sister and Jeff are not letting blame and guilt stick to them, it must be me.  (I wonder if BIL is having this same prob, har)

To be clear - I have never told Jeff he absolutely cannot help them financially.  I have let my opinion known to him (oh shut up) that I think they are awful but I also said if he feels he has to do it, then I'm behind him because wtf else am I going to say?  No they dont deserve it but it's Jeff's parents and his decision and come on - ultimately it really IS his decision.  I DID say absolutely NOT to driving to Baker to get brother.  They HAVE been trying to hang this 'betrayer' sign around my neck for a coupla months now due to NOTHING but the fact that if Jeff is finally saying NO - it must be someone behind the scenes because he has typically given in to these demands.  So has sister.

They have. had. enough.  But hey, I'm the puppet master, i'm cool with that.

Jeff sent both his boys a text giving them a heads up that grampa is desperate for cashola - but we both said to each other that if one of those boys wants to help the narcs, that is THEIR decision and nothing to do with us.  NONE OF OUR BUSINESS, and we understand that.

I'm a little freaked out by how much the rages freak me out.  I guess because I haven't heard one since I was in my late 20's? and even tho you remember them, it's the actual HEARING it that sent me jumping like a WWII vet with shell-shock.  I can't be doing this - I need to be calm and casual for my husband.  WTF people - narcs are the gift that never stops shitting on you.  I have been the Helpful DIL, they have said they love me, they thank me for my time, I am typically in the background not on the front lines - I don't get involved in family discussions or arguments, but these phone calls have left me gasping for air.

I sound like a fucking drama queen with the GASPING and crying and all.  But I'll tell you - for anyone who has heard it, you get it.  If you haven't been privy to a narc rage, you simply cannot understand how much they will tear apart everything from your life like a rabid wolverine, down to the way you wore your hair at a birthday party - and forget that for 10 years you (or your beloved, loving, sometimes pain-in-the-ass husband) have been driving to their house every. single. Sunday. during football season (and baseball season fuck me), sometimes bringing at least $100 worth of groceries and beverages and beer and ice, inviting all the grand-kids and great-grand-kids, organizing bocce ball tournaments, your wife doing all the cooking/bbqing (unless you purchase pre-made sammiches or whatever) wife also putting chips in bowls, drinks on ice, refilling glasses, doing dishes, wiping counters - not just financially providing a family reunion every fucking weekend but also coming for a visit, chatting, talking, laughing... Jeff is quietly DEVASTATED by his father, thought they had a relationship, knew his dad was who he was but STILL - they are pals!  laughing, talking, enjoying...  Jeff knows his dad is dying (please god take him quickly) and has been really enjoying his dad prior to all this crap.  I see the look on my husband's face, see his shoulder slump in defeat during a rage, I hear the nasty things said and know how those arrows find the marks.

When the narc wants something and is thwarted, you and your family history will be re-written, scorched-earth policies will be put in place, knives will be driven into your back, and you will be vilified.

Try it and see.  Fun game for all ages!  Some parts may be choking hazards.  Your mileage may vary.


  1. When Jeff was on the phone, what happened to you sounds like a classic PTSD panic-attack type of thing. Sometimes we have no clue we have PTSD until it slams us upside the head. A while ago, I had a guy go all postal on me (via email thank god) and this feeling came over me like I had when I was a kid and the old man, for no good reason, would go from zero to raging lunatic in 10 seconds flat. I actually ended up barfing!
    Very hard to stay detached when these maniacs are attacking the man you love. You know what advice I'm gonna give (worked for me) and I know it probably won't happen. You and Jeff have more than fulfilled any responsibility you may have had: don't walk away, run like hell!

  2. Mulder - I hear ya. I do not speak to the parents any more unless they happen to catch me by calling my phone - if they do I answer because it COULD be that the lord jesus has finally called the bastard HOME and I would need to relay that to Jeff. I speak to the brother because he (altho he has his special brand of manipulation) is just as caught up in this as anyone. MORE really since he lives there and has been under constant mind-fuckery for 20 years.

    Jeff has decided to back very far away from them - see my next commet:

  3. Jeff received the following text:

    Hi Jeff. Mom here. Your dad is very ill. Please make allowances for that and do not take all he says to heart. He loves you very much, as do I. But he is old and, maybe a bit frightened as well, because he can no longer control some things. I can relate! So please "cut him some slack." I am not even sure exactly what that means, but you probably know.

    And, see what a manipulation this is? Father has control of the cell, because he likes to text and stuff to everybody. Mom doesn't usually ever use it. So he had to set her up with the screen where she can type this whole thing out. So he knew she was sending it - Jeff thinks dad INSISTED she send it.

    It's all just more mind-fuck. He called her last night and told her things she did not want to hear. She cried, of course. Things like 'I have cut him slack for years, he is a mean vicious old man and there is no excuse for being so abusive" etc. So essentially, as we all know how it goes, he is going to be LOW contact for the next while. We'll see if the narc dies before he pushes Jeff to NO contact, because y'all, we know it's gonna come to that. It's the only way this crap ends.

    1. Holy shit, Gladys! "Please make allowances for that and do not take all he says to heart. He loves you very much, as do I. But he is old..." Your in-laws got ahold of the very same script my family uses!
      As a test, to find out how little I gave a shit (not the tiniest shit!), I ended up returning a phone call from my NGC brother. Turns out he is so fucking wonderful he took some kinda course on how to be patient and understanding with seniors. Funny how he forgot our father has ALWAYS been an SOB!
      Guess he also forgot that I'm a 68 year old senior and IMO, he flunked the course!
      Oh and baby brother turned on the water works and wants his old mulderfan back. Maybe he doesn't realize you can pick up a doormat really cheap at Walmart.
      There's a thought! Maybe Jeff should pop out to Walmart, pick up a doormat and mail it to his folks. Then he would have completely fulfilled his obligations.
      Seriously, they just keep hammering away until no contact is the only choice left. Either that or you and Jeff get to share a room in the looney bin.

  4. Oh, Gladys, I really wish I could give you a fucking hug. This sucks. And I'm sorry.
    The story is just...well, this is just so fucked up. And if I didn't have to blessed narc families of my own to deal with, I'd never believe it. But I do, so I do. This sounds pretty much text book.

    I agree with MF that it sounds like you had a PTSD attack. Please take care of yourself. Jeff is going to need your support. And I believe you have every right to support your husband in ways that you see fit. Just because they are his "family" doesn't mean you shouldn't have an opinion on how you and your husband spend your money. And that you shouldn't be pissed off and upset when your husband is attacked by crazy people. I thing sometimes, as ACoNs, we worry too much about "controlling" other people. But you are not forcing Jeff (or his kids) to do anything but stating your opinion and lending your "expertise" in the "N-arena".

    I really do feel for Jeff. By husband is very much the same way. He has had some good times with his dad (not a narc but an enabler) and his brother (a narc), and so it's hard to come to grips with the reality of he situation. But, I keep reminding him that it's not what people do when things are all going well, but the character they show when shit hits the fan that you see their true nature. This isn't "old guy dying" crap. This is narc abuse. And I hope he sticks to his boundaries and keeps the guy at a distance.

    And FWIW, I think you all are doing a heck of a job considering all the shit you are dealing with. Hang in there guys.

    Sending you hugs and....well, whatever the hell you send to someone dealing with a narc. Like an "anti-narc" bouquet.

    P.S. Also, Gladys, it's a difficult situation to deal with the narc-in-laws. In some ways, I've found it so much more difficult than dealing with my own narcs. There is just such little control for the DIL (it's not like you can just totally NC, as they still effect your life through your husband). They may be handing you the "Control Queen" crown, but you don't have to wear that sucker. I've been handed that thing too. It sucks that they do it, but it's just another tool in their bag of tricks. You really have my sympathy being the DIL and I wish I could offer you something more than "I know what you are going through." But that's all I got. I'm here in solidarity with you, sister. Hugs.

  5. You mentioned the NFIL is receiving care through the VA Hospital. I don't know if he has any kind of Service Connected Disability or if it even matters in this case because of his age/income as well as Non-Service Connected Disability Pension Benefits-of which there are several different types. If he's receiving any kind of Pension (and if he's not, why not?) under the provisions of the Special Monthly Pension (SMP) there are 2 Programs: There is a Housebound Pension Benefit (HB Benefits) and an Aid and Attendance Benefit for Veterans (A&A Benefits). Under A&A, the qualifying criteria states: "...the claimant is unable to dress or undress himself or keep himself or herself clean and presentable...or has a physical or mental incapacity that requires assistance on a regular basis to protect the claimant from the hazards of his or her daily environment." The regulation specifically states that the veteran must establish a *regular* need for aid and attendance, not a *constant* need. (I'm certain there are some updates but essentially, these 2 programs may fit for him.) I'm suggesting Jeff's sister, the "Executor" contact either the VARO or the VA Hospital directly and get an advocate/ombudsman to sort this out: Let THEM deal with it. My sense is he's eligible for benefits and programs no one has informed the IL's about-as well as $$ to pay for whoever is providing the care for his ADLs-even if it is the BIL who's residing there. We could 'LMAO' at the "protecting FROM the environment" part when he *is* the environment from which everyone else requires protection-because gallows humor is a requirement when dealing with Ns and even more so, OLD N's, eh?! ;)
    Regardless, you all need some practical assistance and it's not up to Jeff or his "Executor" sister to provide it, OK? If she can stand to make some phone calls to set stuff up, good enough. None of the "kids" OWE him a damn thing. Remember also, the County Office for the Aging and Public Health coordinate with the VA as well. I'd start with the VA Hospital, get a dedicated Advocate-meaning ONE person only-who deals with his case as the "Point Person" to coordinate his care and that's it. The IL's can then rage, manipulate, triangulate etc. at those professionals: That's what they get paid to do, that's what they've been trained to do.

    Mulder nailed it: Round and round the NPs the family goes with NFIL in Center Ring orchestrating as much chaos, FOG etc. as possible. I do feel really sorry for Jeff and the sibs: The NPs do not get better with age and get histrionic as hell over their diminishing control over their bodies while abusing further their iron clad control of everyone around them. IMO, putting up a "Firewall" like the VA Advocate/Ombudsman and/or other agencies is the only protection available aside from LC-to the extent his mother doesn't keep trying to rope him/sibs in and make excuses for the inexcusable. Gawd knows what else she may pull at his or *her* onus. I'm not giving her a "Hold Harmless" pass, no way: He's HER "DH" which supersedes the relationship and responsibilities of the kids. But for the time being before you all run yourselves ragged-or there's a homicide-if Executor sister could get the ball rolling, they all could back away even further, OK?

    I have no doubt this is setting off all kinds of IEDs for you, Gladys. It's one thing to have the "Scapegoat" sign hung on you, but a whole different level of stress/anxiety etc. when you're very personally re-experiencing the same kinds of intense feelings you experienced growing up. It resurrects so much of the Powerlessness/Fight or Fight response over which none of us have control. And the rages are terrifying-they go for the throat, teeth bared, no-holds-barred. Having lived through it once, you don't need to re-experience your own personal hell.

  6. If Jeff's old man is anything like my NF he probably treats "outsiders" with respect and dignity. I'm pretty sure the staff at the home where my folks live loooove the poor old dears. So would I for $4300 a month!

  7. Yeah. And remember, the Staff get to *walk away from it:* Their shift/hrs. are done for the day (or night) and they get to go home. (We didn't have that luxury until we NC'd and looka what THAT took!)
    These "people" (ahem) LIVE for Drama: Where there is none, they will create it. They will call at all hrs. interrupt your life ceaselessly, run from one sib to the next spreading all kinds of BS until the ACs are tearing their hair out-at one another, instead of the real source of The (Never-ending) Problem.
    Then the NPs get to sit back and whine about being such "Victims" when the reality is, they're the Perpetrators.
    And they wouldn't have it any other way.

  8. I agree with everyone else that you experienced PTSD over the Narc rage, just as I'm sure many of us experienced second-hand PTSD just reading about it. I am so tired of people defending Narcs by saying, "You know that's just how he/she is" or "You have to excuse him/her because he/she's having such a hard time." There's no excuse for anyone treating anyone else that way. -- LuLoo