Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Not lost

Sorry, were you looking for me?

It's been a busy month.  Because I made it busy, like an asshole.  heh.

Remember when I said I wanted to start something new, a new focus to take me out of narc research and into the world?  Yeah.  I started another blog.  BUT WAIT!

It's about things to do when you are 50-ish, and don't want to eat the Early-Bird special and go to the early show at the movies, but you aren't up for punk-rock concerts and drinking till you barf anymore.  I've been thinking of doing this for about 3 years now, and I decided it's time.

It's a great idea (she says modestly, digging one toe into the dirt) because there isn't one other blog out there reviewing fun places for the over 50 crowd.  I'VE LOOKED.  When Jeff and I moved to Maryland I almost sprained my fingers searching for things to do that didn't involve tractor races.  So I'm creating it myself. 

It's barely born - just an infant, and I'm not up to sharing it yet.  I don't mean to tease, but it's important to me to get it 'just so'.  I need to lock the idea down and get my format going.  I need to purchase the domain name and get that set up.  I'm taking a class in blogging (I KNOW we should be able to teach a class by now) but I am going to have to learn about Search Engine Optimization (SEO for those of us in the IN crowd) and monetizing a blog, because I'm going to have it be a BUSINESS, not a 'rant' thing.  I want to eventually sell it, the name and idea, so I have a lot to learn.  AND I CAN'T CUSS.  Difficult, eh?  AND - and even if it doesn't succeed, it has given me a reason to get out and about.  To GO SEE stuff.  Concerts and events and restaurants and all kinds of places, even just this month!  And a different kind of writing.  I'm still excited about it, still pumped up with energy.

And you know what?  I've cleared SO much out of my life in the last couple of years.  Mentally, physically, psychic-ly - I've swept so much crap away.  So now I have the ROOM for good stuff, or even just NEW stuff (who knows if it's good).  Just as an example, I got rid of so many knick-knacks that now I have room to buy (and love) this baby:
60's fabulous vase.  Looks remarkably like a bong.

And this plate, which I use under my gorgeous geranium on my patio:

Just fun stuff, but stuff I'm willing to let take up space.  I'm conscious of the decision to have it, and it feels good to be able to acquire with purpose rather than with desperation.

It's the same with everything, really.  I cleared so much mentally from my brain-pan that now I can start to really have new hobbies, new obsessions (ha).  But I'm letting ideas and projects in based on contemplative THOUGHT, not fear, obligation, guilt, and desperation.  THANK JEEBUS.

I hope all of y'all are making it through January.  It IS the cruelest month, right?  The weather in parts of the country is sucking ASS and I think about you, hoping your fires are warm and your chili is hot (ha see what I did there) and that YOU are fine.  I've been reading, I'm in the background, I just have STUFF - my brain is buzzing, in a good way. 

[It hasn't ALL been roses and geraniums.  There has been drama with Jeff - his blood pressure shot up to gabillion/millions and I had to take him to the ER one day.  He flat out told me he wasn't going to change a 'GODDAMNED THING' in order to get healthier.  No exercise, no buying bikes (my idea), not eating better, still going to drink every day - but he WILL take pills.  He told me my blog - THIS blog, is stupid.  His exact word.  STUPID.  That my Lizzie Borden thing was very stupid because it was based on my research and opinion, not 'established fact'.  No, I am not over the hurt and dismay yet.  It's a sharp blow to find out your husband isn't on your side - or even on his OWN side.  I would have left him right at that moment if I could have.  Now I'm more resigned to it - I just hope if his health takes a dive that it's death and not a stroke.  I don't want to have to wipe his ass for the rest of his life.  I'd do it all STUPID anyway.  Things aren't back to normal with us yet.  I DO NOT CARE about the psychology of any of this right now - there is no reason that will take away the fact that he thinks it/said it to me.  *shrug*] 

Thursday, January 2, 2014

New Year, New Moon, New Start

Happy New Year! 
France and I at PB, January 1, 2014

I am overflowing with positive energy these days.  Ever since I got over my horrifying illness I've felt so energized, so LIGHT!

I spent ALL of new years eve day cleaning my apartment down to the bones.  I cleaned mini blinds, vacuumed baseboards, washed bedding, scrubbed the carpet, windexed windows and pictures and just generally polished my home nest.  Getting ready for that new moon on the new year - loads of good potent positive possibilities in that line up!
My guest room.  Mulder, come on over!

Then new years day (yesterday) France and I went down to Pacific Beach and walked - strolled, really, along the shore with our feet in the (icy freezing) waves.  We had breakfast at The Green Flash (eggs benedict baby!) and then walked talked and yakked and soaked up that First Day Of The Year energy. 
Photo ganked from Green Flash website

In was very sunny (if a bit windy and chilly) and it was the perfect thing for me to do - the ocean is where I get my grounding, my peace.  She hadn't wanted to really go - 'parking will suck!' (it usually does around here) and 'it'll be so crowded' (it usually is at the beach) but I persisted like a nag and she came around.  And it was wonderful.  So many happy kids on new Christmas bikes and scooters, lots of people jogging and walking and digging the San Diego "winter" <--talk to me in summer when I hate this place again.  [She's the perfect person to do this stuff with - she gets the 'woo-woo' and while she isn't as into it as I am, she just takes my candles and crystals in stride like a fucking SAINT]

I've also recommitted to my *grain/sugar free - mostly organic and hmo free* eating plan.  Honestly, December was the month of 'a little bit wont hurt!' and wow - Keebler's shortbread cookies and Tom's crunchy potato chips and pancakes and oy vey.  My rash is back on my back and stomach, I'm puffy, and my sinus are still draining and I can't tell if it's leftover sinus infection or my wheat allergy.  All that stuff I was eating was delicious, I'm not punishing myself, but it's back to clean eating for this crazy pants.  I've made a plan to try and walk 800 miles this year - and that sounds fun!  Here are my stats from last year, altho I didn't record every walk.  This must be pretty darn close tho:
Not really as impressive as it could be, lol. 
And y'all.  I've been reflecting and retrospecting and I've come to a conclusion.  I spent the last 2 years neck-deep in NPD - in child abuse of all kinds.  researching narcs and hoarding and Lizzie Borden and all kinds of dark and twisted things.  I needed to really LOOK at all of it, see it, name it.  But I want to be done with that now.
Being raised by abusive evil assholes shaped me.  Now I understand why.  But my aim is to turn toward the light, so to speak, and leave that all -->back there.  I'm certainly not trying to pretend it doesn't exist - I just want my focus to NOT be all about abuse and destruction and pain.  I'm really tired of looking at ugly things all the time.  My search history on my computer is probably horrific, lol - I need a new hobby.
I'm thinking of volunteering at an animal shelter, to walk and socialize with the doggies.  I want to start doing things that are 'outward' in spirit, rather than all the 'inward' I've done.  The introspection was necessary, the last two years have changed me so much.  But there will most likely be more posts here about goals and striving to meet them, rather than abuse and destruction and sadness. 

I'm actually inspired by the gorgeous Pandora Viltis!  She writes about running now - still sometimes about the past and how it affects her present, but mostly about her new normal.  I LOVE THAT.  So, I may end up being a bit annoying in the Happy Clappy department.  But rest assured I will post negative shit once in a while,  I mean, it's ME we're talking about here.