Wednesday, March 26, 2014

And the hits just keep on comin'...

(OH my lord this story - I keep re-reading it and editing it trying to clarify it and I realize it's convoluted and confusing but Life During Wartime and all that)

(this entry is so long - here - TL:DR narcs are narcs.  They have moved on to blaming me.  My marriage is fine.  I've gained back 5 pounds from stress eating crap.  Cloudy and 65* in San Diego.  roger, over.)

So Jeff's dad went back to the VA (surprise) (see my last post) and 24 hours later he was agitating to go home again.  He told the brother 'I'll call Jeff and have him come and get me' to which the brother (wisely) said 'nah dad, I'll do it' because of the horrific things that were said to Jeff on the phone from the hospital when he advised against the narc going home.

*notice there is no "ASK him to come and get me" - there is never PLEASE or THANK YOU or I'M SORRY.  there are only demands.  Your (very) basic attributes of a narc.*

Meanwhile, brother and MIL have discovered they are overdrawn at the bank.  Brother's trip to Vegas/Baker/Barstow/Vegas/San Diego cost more like $2,000 - my estimate of $1,700 was under by a bit.  They are now in a slithering panic.  I'm not sure when deposits from Social Security hit banks but Imma guess the 1st and 15th?  Maybe just on the 1st.  I don't care enough to look it up.  If you remember, Jeff's sister's husband (this is BIL for your clarity *snort*) and their youngest son (22-year old) were in town for some business, and were staying at the House of Horrors, which is why brother felt it was safe to leave town.  While there, BIL did some things like cleaning, dishes, laundry, etc.  He also went to the grocery store.

His story is (and I believe this because I know this guy) (also this is what normal people DO) BIL would go to the store for groceries having been given the ATM card and PIN, and hand the receipts to MIL upon re-entry to crazytown.  Because he knows they are on a fixed income, he knows MIL has to account for all the pennies.  Also purchased during that time:  Chinese food when the narc said 'get it' upon which the card was declined due to lack of funds.  A night out for the 22-year old, which was paid for by the narc via ATM card and immediately reimbursed from sister's account to narcs account.  What I'm saying is - nothing fishy was happening to the money at that time.  

I believe this because I know Jeff's sister, I know the narcs, I know what the story is.

Meanwhile - the sister has access to the narcs accounts online.  She is the 'executor' I guess you could say - she helps with all that stuff.  She can pull up the financial transactions of the checking/savings account and often does this with her mother on the phone, balancing the account.  So, uh, she can SEE what transactions have taken place (I believe Jeff has this power also?  maybe?).  She can see what city and what store/ATM any transactions happened at.  (at which transactions took place?  bah - English).  So for instance, if someone withdrew an extra $400 in Barstow, it would show up.  ha.  PLEASE NOTE:  While money can be transferred from sister and Jeff's bank accounts INTO parent's bank account, it cannot be done the other way.  this was set up on purpose to avoid these accusations.  This is why when the parents repaid the car repair bill they did it with a check, not a direct transfer.

Meanwhile again - the BIL leaves Monday March 17 - actually takes his kid and BUGS THE FUCK OUT OF THERE because the abuse is too much.  FIL has been (and continues to be) extremely verbally and emotionally abusive.  Both the 22-year old and his 25-year old sister are upset and freaked out at the abuse by this grandfather who has typically been 'nice' to them.  Jeff goes over there on that prior Sunday (March 16) to watch basketball and narc is asleep.  22-year old and some friends have taken off for the beach to get the fuck away for a while.  BIL sees Jeff and takes off for the back yard with a cigarette and headphones and a beer because 5 MINUTES OF REST TAP OUT! (he has been texting Jeff and sister with stuff like 'i'm laughing so hard i'm crying this is insane' for two days now.)  Jeff sits down to chat with MIL (brother is still on Jack Kerouac road trip).  Narc wakes up (remember, he cannot move without help!) and starts YELLING out BILs name.  YELLING.  Like when you walked into the living room and saw that your child (let's say Jimmy) had left a milk glass turned over on the carpet and Legos everywhere - that voice.  JIMMY!  JIMMY!  

Not in the kind of voice you would use to call someone to 'help me please?  I'd like to get out of bed'  So Jeff is like a deer in the headlights and starts to get up (this isn't just help him out of bed, there is a diaper change involved and Jeff ain't doin' THAT) and MIL (thankfully) says 'no I'll go' at starts the laborious process of standing and getting her walker and inching down the hall.  More yelling coming from the bedroom and she stops and yells DOWN THE HALLWAY- I'M COMING!  JIMMY ISN'T COMING! and it is (according to Jeff) a SCENE.  

I tell you this so that you have a clearer idea of the mindset of this (typical) narc.  

**When he was in the hospital and badgering everyone to get him home which was a stupid idea, he was using every narc trick of manipulation there is.  Telling everyone a different story?  check.  Cajoling?  check.  Threats?  check.  Guilt?  check.  It's like all you guys got together to write a story about an aging narc (quit writing right now I mean it I want a story about unicorns bitches).**

OK - so.  To sum up at this point which is Sunday, March 16):  Brother is on road trip.  BIL and his kid are there and suffering horrible abuse about 'get us a car!' and 'loan us money!' and "live here and wipe my ass for $45/week!" and all the venom spewing from narc's mouth during that time.  Jeff is in the house trying to remain calm and remain removed from stress.

Monday sees the BIL leave in a cloud of dust since brother is on his way back.  Narc has since called Jeff and asked him for car money (politely and firmly declined).  Once brother is home he makes that infamous call to me asking Jeff if his kid still wanted to pay for another kid to help watch narc.  That night (after I lost MY MIND in anger poor Jeff) he called his brother and firmly said 'keep my kids out of this' and hung up the phone.  The next day narc sends a text 'you and your son made a very clear point yesterday' - to which Jeff replied 'good morning!  what point is that?' (har.  First because of the cheery 'good morning' -  my style of dealing with narcs, and second because Jeff's son had no contact with anyone at this point.)  Next we hear how BIL rearranged the entire kitchen and now MIL can't find anything!  Also how BIL overdrew the account and it's his fault, him and sister, and now what are they going to do?  Complaints and bitching about the people who are NO LONGER THERE because that is triangulation and manipulation and clouding any truth that may come out - throwing a smoke bomb, if you will.

Remember sister and BIL had paid for car repair in Lake Elsinore (listed as Temecula in my last post, sorry, wrong) to the tune of $700.  While BIL was in the House 'O Pain they gave him a reimbursement check.  When he left that monday BIL went to the bank, cashed it and deposited the cash in their account.  This was smart on his part because he knew that check, if deposited as a check and left in banking limbo, would have a good chance of bouncing.  THIS is what overdrew the account because the narcs didn't tell brother NOT to withdraw more money in Barstow.  ALSO the brother rented a car using a debit Visa and the rental place will tie up at least $500 of your cash if you do that.  Even when the rental place releases the money back to your bank, your bank will continue to tie up that money for up to TWO WEEKS.  He is 55-years old and had no clue about that.

Sister and Jeff text each other all during this time so that there is transparency and the narc cannot triangulate that way.  Jeff is allowing me to read all the texts from sister and BIL to keep me up to date and also because I am nosey like that.

Blah blah, the week passes same as the rest of this crap, more agitating and more drama and more fudging what exactly happened to overdraw the account. 

Sunday, Jeff was sposed to go over again.  Typically on a weekend, he goes up there and has a few beers, watches whatever sport is on TV and chats and then comes home.  He didn't feel like it on Sunday (imagine that) so he didn't go.  Got a call from his mom, I saw the phone ringing and he looked at me and said "it's THEM!" and we laughed and he didn't answer that call.  Brother decides at 10:00 pm to call MY phone - Jeff tells me to answer and I do and then pass it directly to Jeff.  Brother was all 'we wanted to make sure you're ok you said you were coming up here' - uh, yeah...  this is new.  Nobody has EVER called to check on where Jeff was.  Most Sundays he goes up there - sometimes he doesn't.  We were both all *raised eyebrows* about this.  We should have heard the crashing minor chords of a horror movie, but...

MONDAY night, right after that Sunday that Jeff didn't show, that they called looking for him - two nights ago - Jeff talks to his dad.  I dunno who called who - he calls and checks on them often, so *shrug* I was in the bedroom.  Narc proceeds to wheedle, jimmy, jive talk and pester about money.  (we had gotten the heads up from sister earlier that they tried this on them again.  She said a firm NO and they attacked her, then moved on to Jeff).  I came out and sat in the chair while Jeff was on the couch and I can hear his dad through the phone so I can hear the convo.  and the horrific things he said...  The guilt and manipulation and the yelling and then the sad crying and then the VENOM and oh, you guys.  (I am thinking the reason they were so upset that Jeff didn't show up on Sunday is that they were planning on cornering him in person to get him to give them money)

I was on the floor, sobbing.  Yes, - me.  sobbing.  (I take the prize for making all drama be about MEEE!) because this is rootling up some major PTSD trauma from my life.  Jeff is miserable on the phone, trying to talk to his dad "...really dad, we're gonna start a tally sheet now?" and I am (not kidding) on the floor, fetal position, just crying so hard you'd think my boyfriend broke up with my by the lockers at lunch.  I absolutely wasn't all "FEEL MAH FOREHEAD AH FEEL A FAINT COMIN' ON" loud and dramatic but I was having my own speyshul little MOMENT while listening to this.

The call ends when Jeff has had enough and hangs up the phone, but unbelievably, my husband has remained calm and cool during all this.  (He's also looking at me like I grew Medusa hair and a second nose because jayzhus Case, it's MY DAD SHUT UP)

Yesterday Jeff receives a text from his dad 'thank you for the call last night' <--parting shot.  Jeff didn't reply.  His sister texts him later that narc texted her 'ask Casey how Jeff is doing' (what what?  Am I keeping him from them?  and I controlling him?  Hrmm, I think that:)

1.  Probably he could hear me gasping and saying 'what the fuck!' while he was on the phone to Jeff, because while I wasn't part of the convo I could hear it and I was blown away.  It. was. that. bad.
2.  however I wasn't screaming or yelling I was def. GASPING it with hand to mouth and pacing and clearly (in front of Jeff) I was agitated and upset for my husband, and I was not being QUIET but I wasn't yelling at the phone but y'all, ownership here - I was pissed and upset and sure, now that I think of it I bet he could hear me at times but whatever, this is MY marriage, my husband, my business, and if you think I'm not going to have a reaction to this crap you are an idiot - but also:
3.  They need to blame someone and since sister and Jeff are not letting blame and guilt stick to them, it must be me.  (I wonder if BIL is having this same prob, har)

To be clear - I have never told Jeff he absolutely cannot help them financially.  I have let my opinion known to him (oh shut up) that I think they are awful but I also said if he feels he has to do it, then I'm behind him because wtf else am I going to say?  No they dont deserve it but it's Jeff's parents and his decision and come on - ultimately it really IS his decision.  I DID say absolutely NOT to driving to Baker to get brother.  They HAVE been trying to hang this 'betrayer' sign around my neck for a coupla months now due to NOTHING but the fact that if Jeff is finally saying NO - it must be someone behind the scenes because he has typically given in to these demands.  So has sister.

They have. had. enough.  But hey, I'm the puppet master, i'm cool with that.

Jeff sent both his boys a text giving them a heads up that grampa is desperate for cashola - but we both said to each other that if one of those boys wants to help the narcs, that is THEIR decision and nothing to do with us.  NONE OF OUR BUSINESS, and we understand that.

I'm a little freaked out by how much the rages freak me out.  I guess because I haven't heard one since I was in my late 20's? and even tho you remember them, it's the actual HEARING it that sent me jumping like a WWII vet with shell-shock.  I can't be doing this - I need to be calm and casual for my husband.  WTF people - narcs are the gift that never stops shitting on you.  I have been the Helpful DIL, they have said they love me, they thank me for my time, I am typically in the background not on the front lines - I don't get involved in family discussions or arguments, but these phone calls have left me gasping for air.

I sound like a fucking drama queen with the GASPING and crying and all.  But I'll tell you - for anyone who has heard it, you get it.  If you haven't been privy to a narc rage, you simply cannot understand how much they will tear apart everything from your life like a rabid wolverine, down to the way you wore your hair at a birthday party - and forget that for 10 years you (or your beloved, loving, sometimes pain-in-the-ass husband) have been driving to their house every. single. Sunday. during football season (and baseball season fuck me), sometimes bringing at least $100 worth of groceries and beverages and beer and ice, inviting all the grand-kids and great-grand-kids, organizing bocce ball tournaments, your wife doing all the cooking/bbqing (unless you purchase pre-made sammiches or whatever) wife also putting chips in bowls, drinks on ice, refilling glasses, doing dishes, wiping counters - not just financially providing a family reunion every fucking weekend but also coming for a visit, chatting, talking, laughing... Jeff is quietly DEVASTATED by his father, thought they had a relationship, knew his dad was who he was but STILL - they are pals!  laughing, talking, enjoying...  Jeff knows his dad is dying (please god take him quickly) and has been really enjoying his dad prior to all this crap.  I see the look on my husband's face, see his shoulder slump in defeat during a rage, I hear the nasty things said and know how those arrows find the marks.

When the narc wants something and is thwarted, you and your family history will be re-written, scorched-earth policies will be put in place, knives will be driven into your back, and you will be vilified.

Try it and see.  Fun game for all ages!  Some parts may be choking hazards.  Your mileage may vary.

Thursday, March 20, 2014

Watching a train wreck

**EDIT** as of right now the narc is back in the VA hospital.  I am definitely saying I TOLD YOU SO but in my head.**

The SG lives with the parents.  He drank himself ->thisclose<- to death over 20 years ago and has lived with them ever since.

The GC is actually, depending on the day/moon phase/etc a title that bounces between Jeff and his sister.  Although, his sister has usually held that (dubious) crown.

These days - well, because the dad wants what he wants and is used to getting it RIGHT NOW, and the only person providing for every whim is the trapped SG - whelp, the SG is now the favorite.  And the SG is WORKING IT with every fibre of his being.
My FIL.  If he was a small female Asian child.  But it still fits.
This web of family crap in a family of a narcissist is never ending.  Yeah, I know - y'all are holding a hand to your mouth with raised eyebrows and squealing "really!?!" because WHAT A SHOCK.  It never ends.  Jayzhus fucking christ on a biscuit with cheese.

The latest:

FIL has been ill like a motherfucker these last 4 years, but in particular this last 6 months have been a merry-go-round from Hades what with all the problems and infections they both have suffered from/contracted.  The latest thing was when he vomited his own feces and aspirated some of it - they had to put him in a medically induced coma for 2-weeks.

*meanwhile MIL was released from the rehab nursing home for whatever the fuck was going on with her and so brother and MIL were at home enjoying a quiet time, feeling relief and probably a smattering of guilt but whatever*

Once it was determined that there was no real medical reason for this vomiting episode (which, what?  wtf?) he was brought out of his coma and he immediately and vehemently and with extreme WHININESS and FIT THROWING demanded to be sent home.  The hospital recommended another stay at the rehab/nursing home, because he couldn't even stand up on his own which made diapers and the attendant mess cleaning necessary.  He has chronic diarrhea and so the mess cleaning was just awful.  He also has MRSA and a coupla other bacterial infections that are pretty resistant to antibiotics and are transmitted through feces, and one of these has a shelf-life on hard surfaces of 7-10 days.  SO let's say you are cleaning one of those messes and you open the bathroom door to throw away some nasty things and you have then touched 4 surfaces and you are stressed and tired and only remember to clean 3 of those surfaces, including door knobs, counter tops, bed rails, trash cans, plastic containers of wipes, ointment tubes - well, you're looking at reinfecting everyone in a 3-mile radius.

The narc was undeterred in his demand to go home.  Home where his wife was still recovering from whatever shit she had and where his 53-year old son was there to help but is completely untrained and in denial about how bad things really are.  The sister, her husband, Jeff, and I VEHEMENTLY and LOUDLY opposed this decision.  Narc then told Jeff he was 'no longer welcome here (hospital)!  Keith will have to just help!  I mean, it was horrible in it's emotional manipulation and Jeff let it roll off his back, but because of my history I was horrified.  I was never on the phone to him, but even so the narc has now decided it was ME doing the most protesting and has hung a 'BETRAYER' sign around my neck which, ha, if he only knew the full extent but moving on.  I will take that role and also scream 'I TOLD YOU SO' here in about a week, but again, moving on *deep breath*

He went home.  Things WENT AS EXPECTED.  Which is to say, the brother had been having a fairly difficult time.  har.

Jeff's BIL (sister's husband) and their youngest son were in town here just recently and decided to stay at The Death Camp House with the narcs and the brother.  At this point Jeff's brother (the SG) decided he was going to DRIVE TO VEGAS TO WATCH THE AZTEC BASKETBALL GAME ON TV.  Which, whatever, dude deserves a break from the madness.  Narcs spent like $350 tuning up the car (they have no money, are on a limited budget, I have no clue), he borrows $200 FROM US IN CASH,  brother takes off.  Gets an hour out of town and the transmission goes out in Temecula.  Sister and BIL deal with that expense over the phone and brother finally gets back on his way to Vegas.  Now, from San Diego to Las Vegas is about a 5 or 6 hour trip.  Through the desert.  *sigh* there is nothing.  The rest stops are few and far between - once you get out of Barstow you are pretty fucked for anything until Las Vegas.  EXCEPT:  There is this little, dusty, horrifying gas station/fast food/truck stop town called Baker, California where a lot of us have typically stopped for one last gas/bathroom stop before driving the last 100 miles into Vegas.

(I refuse to drive to Las Vegas ever again, haven't for years.  Southwest charges $49 each way for a flight if you search the right times, and just HELL NO i'm not doing that drive.)

Just outside of Baker the car catches on FIRE.  Burns to a crisp at a rest stop.  He gets a ride from a cop to Baker, checks into one of the two post-war motels there.  Says car is totaled, that people were filming it and posting it to Youtube!  (I cannot find any mention of this on the internet, and if I can't find it, people it ain't there.)

Now the fun begins.  Narcs are carrying on, wailing and stamping their feet and even brother is getting in on it, demanding that someone go pick him up right now!

Nobody went.  Dude is 55-yrs old, has at least $500 (more likely $700) and is fine.  He decides to stay a second night in Baker - is surprised to find there is no Greyhound bus stop in that town and again, wants someone to go get him.  Nobody moves.  The dad is having a FIT.  Mom is saying 'baby Keith is stranded in the desert!' and dad is stamping his foot and trying to guilt someone into going to get Brother.  We all suggest he either just take a cab all the way to Vegas and enjoy himself on the rest of the money, get a cheap flight and come home, or take a cab back the other way to Barstow, and catch the Amtrak or a bus from there.
One of the two motels in Baker.
All of these suggestions are not what the Narc wants and madness ensues.  I (behind the scenes) have put my foot down and said no.  Jeff is adamant about not going to get him.  Sister and BIL feel the same way.  Mom mentions that I am somehow on 'her list' because we didn't volunteer to go.

BIL finds the bus station in Barstow, spends a night at a holiday inn (or whatever) and gets on the bus the next morning.  However, he got on the wrong bus and ends up in Vegas (nope - not making this up.  nope, nope, nope.)  Rents a car and drives home.  He has no credit card, so the rental place charges a fortune to the debit/Visa and so like $500 is now also tied up but $400 or so will be refunded at some point, like maybe 2 weeks for processing? *edit* he rented a car and the insurance is paying for it because car is totaled, so that's good

Meanwhile, BIL works in the car industry and has been tasked with finding a replacement car.  Sister has put her foot down about not financing a car which would be essentially for BIL.  More begging, pleading, ranting, whining ensues.  Burned car is finally located at a tow place charging $48/day (this should tell you how small this town is - in San Diego a tow yard charges over $300/day).  Arrangements are made for the insurance adjuster to call it a loss and an amount of $3,000 is bandied about as payment for the value of the car.  An additional $2,000 is deemed necessary to purchase a decent car (true as far as I know) but where that $2 grand is coming from is nebulous at best.  Things like 'cash in some stocks' and 'IRA' are tossed around.  I still feel like they are hoping there is a leprechaun holed up under that house.

SIL is asked to co-sign on a loan.  Answers no.  Her kid - this is a 22-year old kid - is begged, cornered, and guilted (tried) to staying with them and being charged with changing diapers and whatnot.  This is just as strongly refused.


Brother calls me (can't get ahold of Jeff) and says "Jeff's son once said he would pay $45/week for someone to help narc - is that still a viable option?" and my head exploded in what can only be called um...  an explosion.

The narcs are asking if ONE young-ish (30's) grandchild will pay another young grandchild a stipend every week to care for and deal with the narc.  When brother is with the narcs, is capable (although no longer willing) and has no other job or responsibility or obligation.  When the narc should have stayed at the fucking nursing home in the first place as this is just the scenario we all saw coming like a train.

I lost my damned fool mind.  The explosion was epic and I feel kinda bad about it because I blew up at Jeff.  But lord have mercy.

$350 (pre-trip tune up_
$700 (transmission repair)
$200 (borrowed from Jeff and Casey)
$80 (approx?  motel for 2 nights in Baker
$60 (approx? motel one night in Barstow)
$100 (approx - food/snacks/sundries.  He doesn't drink so there is that.)
$100 (at least, in gas for the car prior to inferno/carbecue)
$100 (I guess, ticket on greyhound from Barstow to San Diego I MEAN VEGAS WHOOPSIE)
$100 (maybe, for car rental plus gas)

$1,790 total (using my scientific estimations) for a trip to Baker, Ca.

AND they want:
More money for a car that only brother will drive.
Money from one grandchild to another grandchild and the obligation of wiping narcs ass from said grandchild

I look back on my family problems with a fondness I never thought possible.

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

It's ok.

Things I've been learning:
  •         Geraniums are easy, azaleas are difficult.
  •         Being louder and more vehement does not make you righter.
  •         Some relationships can’t be fixed.
  •         Even when you think it’s your fault – even when you know in your heart it’s really honestly mostly your fault, it’s ok to stop trying.  Some things just can’t be fixed.
  •         It’s ok to forgive yourself and really mean it.
  •         Sometimes people talk too much, say the wrong thing.  It’s ok to let that go – it’s ok to say ‘I know you didn’t mean it, it’s forgotten’ – and people really mean it when they say it to you.
  •         It’s ok to forgive other people and really mean it.
  •         I’m really, really good at some things.
  •         I’m really, horrifyingly BAD at some things.
  •         Some of the things I thought I was good at are things I am really, horrifyingly BAD at.
  •         Every single thought in my head doesn’t need to be spoken aloud.
  •         I don’t have to say ‘I’m sorry’ every time.  Sometimes I’m NOT sorry.
  •         It’s ok to do the right thing because you don’t want to look like a dick, not because you feel like doing the right thing.
  •         It’s pretty much never ok to do the wrong thing.
  •         Even people who really believe in god, and jesus, can be afraid of actually MEETING god or jesus.
  •         I’m not afraid to die.  I don’t WANT to die, I’m just not afraid of it.
  •         Selfish self-centered people will be just that, right up to the end.  Not everyone has a Scrooge-like epiphany.
  •         It’s ok to like some of the people some of the time.
  •         It’s ok that you find some people just awful some of the time.
  •         Family really IS family, no matter if it’s the one you’re born into or fabricated. 
  •         Family trusts.  And forgives.  And holds you in a million different ways.  If they don’t, they aren’t.
  •         I like to make plans.  I hate to follow through.
  •         Sometimes a dog will pee on the carpet no matter how many times you walk them. 
  •         It’s ok to WANT to kick a dog.  Doing it is different.
  •         I love the sound of the dishwasher and washing machines going.
  •         I hate the timer buzz when the stuff in the dryer needs putting away.
  •         When I let go and stop worrying about something being PERFECT it usually turns out JUST FINE.  Perfect will never happen.  Fine is FINE.
  •         Music helps.  Silence helps.  Reading helps.  Solitude helps.  I am what I am, it’s ok to just accept that.
  •         My husband has my back.  Even when he’s being a pain in the ass, he has my back.
  •         It’s ok.  It’s ok.  It’s ok.