So my post yesterday - I hear you Mulder. And Vanci. And thank you Jessie. But about the return to vodka? I hear you.
After I posted that I went for my walk (shadow above) and mentally careened wildly from wanting to take the post down to wanting to get all defensive about it. Ultimately I decided to leave it up and talk about it, because that's what I need to do for ME. This space is where I am most honest about myself and my life - nobody in my 'real life' reads it except Mike and I guess sometimes Jeff. Nobody knows about it and so I'm safe to say what I want about ME - I am always careful about what I say about my family because you just never know who will google your damned name.
Since the debacle of the cabin in December, seriously - our lives have gone into a meat-grinder of hospital visits. Phone calls in the middle of the night, frantic appeals to Mike to watch the dogs while we head to one emergency room or another, scheduling nightmares because someone has to stay with Mom at home while others go to the ER to see Dad or the reverse. Figuring out meds/prescriptions and diagnosis (more than one, how do you spell that? diagno-sees) because the docs don't tell you anything because they don't want to be liable for anything. Arranging to-dos at their house so that people can see them 'one last time' (that has been going on for 4 years it will never be 'the last time') Texting all the kids and Jeff's sister in Reno and getting everyone ready to buy a black dress and then sounding the all-clear when he rallys again. Its been bad. And it is taking its toll.
Jeff burst into tears for about 4 seconds the other day. And then went back to smiling and being Jeff - and that dam is going to burst at some point, and I am going to be in the line of fire. He has already verbally smacked me (your blog is stupid. I'm not changing any fucking thing about my lifestyle, etc.) and I am feeling uh... well, I guess PISSED but also attacked in my safety zone? Rather put-upon and what not and I am serious when I said that at one point I would have walked out if I could have. Things are better TODAY but he also is possibly relaxing his grip on the fact that he needs to take responsibility for his health, which always happens 3 or 4 days after an 'incident' and I cannot carry that rock.
I am terrified for our future health and security. And I do not use that word 'terrified' lightly. I'm in a blind, slithering PANIC over it.
I keep my sense of humor because that is how I deal with stress. One does what one can. I have had more than one screaming fight with Jeff's siblings/their spouses because I am on the front lines in this battle, helping however I can and so I am a good target for anger due to uncertainty over when He Who Will Not Die will actually cross the fucking rainbow bridge and go into the light. And I scream back and then I let it go (NEW BEHAVIOR FOR ME) because this isn't about me. Well, right HERE on this bloggy is about me but the battle is about their parents and I need to be like the guy at the back of the parade, just cleaning up the elephant poop.
I continue to help when asked (although I am pretty much done going to hospital rooms I simply cannot take it. I just can't. It's depressing on a cellular level.) I give rides and I should actually cook another casserole to take over come to think of it. We pay for their cell phone and I research meds/conditions/diagno-sees and just help.
And I started going across the street with Jeff to Lazy Dog (restaurant) and having a drink or two (always two, let's not start hedging NOW) and talking about all of it. Fridays, when he gets off work at 4 I have typically met him there. Saturday afternoons once all the 'chores' are done. We sit and relax and have a coupla drinks and he puts his hand on my knee and the world seems to slow down for a minute. And YES - that slow slide into the second drink when the alcohol starts to hit is what I was looking for, what my addiction wanted, and how I deal with stress. NOT GREAT. No excuses. I am doing what I always did. I will have no one else to blame when I get what I always get.
I am not asking for you all to watch my train-wreck of a life go into a flaming crash. And I'm not trying to manipulate sympathy because "waahhh mah life is HARD y'all!" (I cannot believe I'm going to use this phrase I HATE IT) it is what it is. I'm doing what I'm capable of.
I really honestly do not drink every day. Or even every OTHER day. I am on a two-week hiatus because I know we are going to friends in March (remember when I dropped the cake? Yeah, those friends) and we are taking the dogs and it is about 100* there and they have a pool and I know. I also know I will go to bed early with the dogs and I will wake up and walk a power walk and I will eat guacamole and salsa and I will laugh and relax. And hope the phone doesn't ring.
Yes, it's a crutch. Yes, it has historically been an anchor tied around my neck. I'm at the end of my rope and I am coping with all the cope I can find. and believe me when I say that when I read that line I just typed I cringe. But I am being honest with ME. And just writing it helps. Somehow.
Things I'm doing right:
- Walk - between 20-25 miles a week. ~18 minute mile. I get out almost every single day. PLUS the mile and a bit more that I walk EVERY morning with the
- Meds - I'm taking my Wellbutrin like a mofo. Also taking magnesium and taurine because those things I need for my brain. I found I need those particular things because I have researched the fuck out of my problems/symptoms and those things HELP.
- Outside - I walk outside, in the sun and air (son and heir) because I NEED outside. plus vitamin D and all that jazz.
- Food - I'm eating the right stuff, not eating the wrong stuff. I've maintained my 30+ pound weight loss and am gearing up to lose another 10, just to have a goal.
- Friends - I reach out to France a lot, and I hang out with her when I can. This is new behavior for me, typically I retreat from social stuff when stressed. Or when air touches me.
- Brain - I read and research and I sometimes play Bejeweled (that game relaxes my brain for some reason, I think its the sorting?) and I do crossword puzzles and I take my meds and I exercise and I make sure I get alone quiet time every day. All the things I need to do to not go into the cave of depression, to not flip the fuck out.
- I have no booze in the house at this time. I do not keep it around. And that wasn't a conscious thing, in fact I just realized it and added it to this list. I guess what I'm trying to say is that right now, at this point, it isn't NECESSARY to me.
I'm doing my best. I get out of bed every day and keep moving. And yeah, waahh, my life IS hard right now. Remember when I was all about 'peace' and 'tranquility' and woo-woo energy and all that? yes well, sunrise, sunset, the big wheel in the sky keeps on moving. I'm sure I'll find my serenity again. Right now I'm just trying to prevent fires. Even that fucking bear Smokey keeps telling me that only I can do it. It's my job.