Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Monday, October 29, 2012
I have discovered that I AM A WORRIER - huh. Who knew. I spose this is yet another thing I have to work on, as I do that hideous thing called GROWING AS A PERSON *ugh*.
Anyway, it is raining, it has been raining, it will keep raining, forever and ever world without end. Or until Sandy passes. We have all preps done, we still have electricity and water, we're on the 3rd floor, so - so far, so good.
Jeff is home from work today and he and I and both dogs are piled under blankets watching movies and the weather channel, back and forth.
Keep Calm and Carry On, I guess.
Saturday, October 27, 2012
All of my Maryland friends on FB are saying "oh, pshhh - it ain't nothin', it'll miss us, blah blah" and - I am so angry right now and I guess it fits into this blog because I feel triggered?
YOU'RE WRONG. You're worrying for nothing. What YOU think is completely baseless (even though I am watching SCIENTISTS) and this is a NON-issue.
CERTAINLY, the Weather Channel makes a HUGE! BIG! DEAL! out of everything so you will stay tuned for the next drama fueled report. I GET THAT. But the factual info they have is coming from the military and the National Hurricane Center and the path of this hurricane is pretty much STILL directly headed to my area.
I dunno. You guys parse it out OR DON'T it's my issue but I haven't slept in a couple days and this thing isn't even scheduled to hit for two more. It is barely breezy here and although cloudy, nary a drop of rain. But I know it's coming. I have issues, can you guess? I can't control this, which is beyond my scope of reasoning I CONTROL EVERYTHING WHY NOT THE WEATHER.
Even if the winds are ONLY 75 MPH - sweet fancy Moses, isn't that fast enough to do some damage? And I am on a penninsula - there is only one road out. Storm Surge 2012 might be enough to cover the road?
Yes, I have candles and batteries and flashlights and toilet paper, I have food but I need to do something so imma go get MORE FOOD but the point of this is
I hate being patted on the head. If you are prepared for the worst, it helps. I ALWAYS prepare for the worst, and most times I am pleasantly surprised. But why this tendancy for people to downplay fears and feelings? I mean, I'm not big on wah feeeelings but this - ugh.
I can't do it right now. Words are failing me. THANKS, WORDS. I'm not PANICKING like bok bok chicken little ahhhh! but I am taking it seriously, piling blankets and gathering candles and making ice.
But this "pshaw little baby, it ain't nuttin" - is that ONLY because these people have lived through this fear many times and come out the other end? I always respected those people who said "nah, I ain't movin'" (sorry, they really do talk like that down here I'm not characterizing) or is it being negated? <--is that a word? Am I being pushed aside, pushed to the back, minimized?
Or am I just a big triggery baby?
My husband texted me this morning that we may be out of power for a few days NO SHIT SHERLOCK what have I been telling you but since a co-worker AND A MAN told him that, suddenly it is real.
Ah shit. I'm going to go get more - something. Then coming home to make a big pot of spaghetti.
Sorry, I know a lot of you are in AA but I am buying a JUG of VODKA and tonic and limes because if I'm watching a HURRICANE from my living room (plate glass *shudder) window, I'm doing it with a little buzz.
PS: My car is full of gas, I have lots of water, we are ok until we aren't ok but who knows until Monday. BESIDES I AM BLOWING THIS ALL OUT OF PROPORTION don'tcha know.
ALSO PS: How do I make coffee if the power is out this is a very serious issue.
Friday, October 26, 2012
Thanks for calling. I'm out buying toilet paper and water before the ghetto wakes up and there are riots at the WalMart. If you would like to send a storm shelter, please press 1. Please leave a message at the beep. *fucking beeeeep*
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
“I ran away from the people who were in charge of bringing me up. They was AWFUL people. …they worked me long and hard. Whenever I went against their will they locked me in the woodshed and they beat me. Then they went to church 3 times on Sunday.” “…I’ll be bitter about ‘em – if I live to be a hundred. They was awful people. Till the day I die I’ll be bitter about ‘em.”
Thursday, October 18, 2012
This is a great example of how to get a bully to leave you the fuck alone. That kid, the victim, didn’t go looking for trouble. He just wanted that bully off his ass. Was this cruel? Was it a mean thing for the victim to do? After all, that bully landed on his head - he could have been injured!
Ha. No way in hell. It was self-preservation, and it was the duty of that child to defend himself. Reasoning, pleading, 10-page letters of why the bully had hurt him, saying 'stop it!' without enforcing the boundary - none of that works to stop a narc/bully. If that victim had been my son, I would have ASKED for him to be expelled, and then I would have taken him to 3-days at Disneyland as a reward for his HEROIC actions.
That poor victim finally scared the shit out of that bully and more power to him. He just wanted peace. And now it seems he will have it. Voilà. Instant resolution. And, in case I’m not clear – I feel NO PITY toward that bully. He got what he deserved. Blah blah who raised him!? Poor child, it's his parent's fault! WHATEVER. The kid was a bully, and he got bested. Don’t want him dead, just want him to stop.
It seems resonable to extrapolate this scenario out to how to get a narc to stop eating your soul. As I have mentioned, the only way to get a predator to stop hunting you is to stop them in their tracks, with great and furious vengeance. You simply have to do what this kid did in this video - let them see the danger they are in if they keep hunting you.
You are nothing more than prey to the predator. You smell like fear and subservience and submission. You are right where they want you, it's what they want from you. And have you noticed that the narcs do not hunt or prey on people who do not fear them? The school principal, for instance. Doctors. Anybody who sees through them, who does not acquiesce to the narcissists quest for power and control. THOSE people are left alone, at least in public. What is it that these people have that you do not have? A lack of fear.
They have a complete disregard for the insanity of the narcissist. They DISMISS THE NARC, like they would wave away a mosquito. The narc has no power because there is no fear response. Read that again. The narcissist has no power when there is no fear response.
In order to remove your fear response, you have to get angry. Anger smells very different from fear. You must become angry enough to defend yourself. To defend your spouse, or your children, or your pets. ANGRY. Do not confuse pacifism with weakness. Your quest for peace begins with made and enforced boundaries.
Once an enemy is vanquished he can be allowed to live in peace from you. Away from you. But a vanquished enemy will never be a friend. They will always need to fear (respect) you and your boundaries in order for YOU to live in peace from THEM.
It is your absolute DUTY to protect yourself. To remove yourself from toxic people and situations. You are the only guardian of your soul. And the guardian of your family. To allow yourself to continue to be hunted and preyed upon is the worst kind of cowardice. Once you are awake - and in reading these blogs you have surely come awake in an almost violent way - once you are awake it is your responsibility to take action.
Narcissists have no power when you do not fear them.
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Below is a list of my Super Powers! I’m like one of the X-men. (or Mario in his little raccoon suit.) Fear me.
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Friday, October 12, 2012
***EDITED TO ADD*** I spoke to my eldest sister, who told me dad was the first one on the scene. None of the rest of us were home at the time of the accident (wtf? she was home, 5 other sisters, where were we all?). He was at the hospital every day. She said he told her he had nightmares for weeks after. I have to tell the story as it comes to light, so these edits are important. She has far 'closer to the event' memories than I do.
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
I think this is about the coolest thing I've ever seen at a historical site. I went to the little town of St. Mary's here in Lexington Park to walk my dogs and get some nature back into my system. This little town is right on the edge of the Potomac, you can see the river through those trees in the background. There is a very old cemetery there, where I took this picture. Graves date back to the 1600's.
This is a headstone, and a footstone, of the same person's grave. (People used to have both head and foot stones, marking the size of the grave) (a tombstone is flat like a tabletop). And a huge tree is growing right out of the middle of it. The roots of this beautiful tree run down into the grave. It's the most perfect example of life and death I've ever seen.
Cemeteries do not bother me at all. Nothing bad happened in cemeteries (not usually). These people died elsewhere, and were brought her to REST. Final RESTING place. I find cemeteries have the calmest energy anywhere. I dunno - I guess I think that if there ARE spirits, and those spirits are restless, they are doing their thing where their energy was expended and extinguished.
Not to get all woo-woo on you, but it was a good walk, anyway.
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Monday, October 8, 2012
"This is one of the most misinterpreted songs ever. It is about an obsessive stalker, but it sounds like a love song. Some people even used it as their wedding song. The Police frontman Sting wrote it after separating from his first wife, Frances Tomelty.
In a 1983 interview with the New Musical Express, Sting explained: "I think it's a nasty little song, really rather evil. It's about jealousy and surveillance and ownership." Regarding the common misinterpretation of the song, he added: "I think the ambiguity is intrinsic in the song however you treat it because the words are so sadistic. On one level, it's a nice long song with the classic relative minor chords, and underneath there's this distasteful character talking about watching every move. I enjoy that ambiguity."
And every move you make
Every bond you break, every step you take
I'll be watching you
Every single day
And every word you say
Every game you play, every night you stay
I'll be watching you
Oh can't you see
You belong to me
How my poor heart aches
With every step you take
Every move you make
And every vow you break
Every smile you fake, every claim you stake
I'll be watching you
Since you've gone I been lost without a trace
I dream at night I can only see your face
I look around but it's you I can't replace
I feel so cold and I long for your embrace
Sunday, October 7, 2012
Here is a different close-up of this dress. This was taken the summer PRIOR to the school year – probably in late June or July. As you can tell by THIS photo, that dress was already 2 years too small for me. It was already way too short. It was made of some kind of fabric, like pajama fabric, that LOVED static electricity and was scratchy. (notice my sister’s fashion forward dress obviously bought for her within the last few months. Also someone has brushed my hair, we were with my Grandma in Iowa, so...) So by the time my 7th grade picture was taken this dress was even shorter, even smaller than above - by then it was at least 3 years old. Probably bought when I was ten. Probably a perfectly appropriate dress for a 5th grader to wear. NOT APPROPRIATE FOR A MUCH TALLER and older 7TH GRADER.
Friday, October 5, 2012
Life wasn’t easy but never hard. Raised by a single mom and a father - both with what can best be described as PTSD from family and other sources - who were separated, was difficult though both did there damnedest to make sure none of their burdens landed on my head as a kid. Both kept me well fed, clothed and taught me many things both good in bad.