France and I at PB, January 1, 2014
I am overflowing with positive energy these days. Ever since I got over my horrifying illness I've felt so energized, so LIGHT!
I spent ALL of new years eve day cleaning my apartment down to the bones. I cleaned mini blinds, vacuumed baseboards, washed bedding, scrubbed the carpet, windexed windows and pictures and just generally polished my home nest. Getting ready for that new moon on the new year - loads of good potent positive possibilities in that line up!
My guest room. Mulder, come on over!
Then new years day (yesterday) France and I went down to Pacific Beach and walked - strolled, really, along the shore with our feet in the (icy freezing) waves. We had breakfast at The Green Flash (eggs benedict baby!) and then walked talked and yakked and soaked up that First Day Of The Year energy.
Photo ganked from Green Flash website
In was very sunny (if a bit windy and chilly) and it was the perfect thing for me to do - the ocean is where I get my grounding, my peace. She hadn't wanted to really go - 'parking will suck!' (it usually does around here) and 'it'll be so crowded' (it usually is at the beach) but I persisted like a nag and she came around. And it was wonderful. So many happy kids on new Christmas bikes and scooters, lots of people jogging and walking and digging the San Diego "winter" <--talk to me in summer when I hate this place again. [She's the perfect person to do this stuff with - she gets the 'woo-woo' and while she isn't as into it as I am, she just takes my candles and crystals in stride like a fucking SAINT]
I've also recommitted to my *grain/sugar free - mostly organic and hmo free* eating plan. Honestly, December was the month of 'a little bit wont hurt!' and wow - Keebler's shortbread cookies and Tom's crunchy potato chips and pancakes and oy vey. My rash is back on my back and stomach, I'm puffy, and my sinus are still draining and I can't tell if it's leftover sinus infection or my wheat allergy. All that stuff I was eating was delicious, I'm not punishing myself, but it's back to clean eating for this crazy pants. I've made a plan to try and walk 800 miles this year - and that sounds fun! Here are my stats from last year, altho I didn't record every walk. This must be pretty darn close tho:
Not really as impressive as it could be, lol.
And y'all. I've been reflecting and retrospecting and I've come to a conclusion. I spent the last 2 years neck-deep in NPD - in child abuse of all kinds. researching narcs and hoarding and Lizzie Borden and all kinds of dark and twisted things. I needed to really LOOK at all of it, see it, name it. But I want to be done with that now.
Being raised by abusive evil assholes shaped me. Now I understand why. But my aim is to turn toward the light, so to speak, and leave that all -->back there. I'm certainly not trying to pretend it doesn't exist - I just want my focus to NOT be all about abuse and destruction and pain. I'm really tired of looking at ugly things all the time. My search history on my computer is probably horrific, lol - I need a new hobby.
I'm thinking of volunteering at an animal shelter, to walk and socialize with the doggies. I want to start doing things that are 'outward' in spirit, rather than all the 'inward' I've done. The introspection was necessary, the last two years have changed me so much. But there will most likely be more posts here about goals and striving to meet them, rather than abuse and destruction and sadness.
I'm actually inspired by the gorgeous Pandora Viltis! She writes about running now - still sometimes about the past and how it affects her present, but mostly about her new normal. I LOVE THAT. So, I may end up being a bit annoying in the Happy Clappy department. But rest assured I will post negative shit once in a while, I mean, it's ME we're talking about here.