*spoiler alert* he didn't die

Bullet pointed because I. Just. Cant. Even.

• Nurse misspoke and told Keith and mom that death was eminent
• It wasn't
• C Diff infection is gastro/intestinal thing.  No way to cure it for dad yet but one way has found success in some patients
• Fecal transplant
• yes I said fecal transplant
• We though it was going to have to be Jeff who donated, DNA and all that.  
• Turns out that much like a 'blood bank' there is a fecal bank
• Yep
• They did the transplant
• Dad immediately starts hollerin' to go home.  They advise against, he insists, they have no power to keep him, he goes home
• Dad back in hospital on the 20th
• ha. ha. ha.
• No clue if there will be another transfer *shudder*, I'm staying well clear of that hell
• Jeff is going to their house for Christmas dinner.  I ordered ham dinner from grocery store, Keith will pick up.  
• I am staying home in my PJs because NOPE.

Meanwhile, related news:

• Jeff's sister Debbie ALSO decided NOPE.  no more.
• She sent Keith and Jeff a text saying that she was going to give her husband power of attorney for her, because she wouldn't always be around to help make minute-by-minute decisions (works at a court house and no phones, whatnot)
• I thought this was sorta brilliant, giving her an extra layer of protection against the madness
• Keith and Dad think her husband is nefarious abuser who is angling for control of both sister and the house Dad owns
• (yes, the house that has a reverse mortgage on it and now I have a headache)
• Sister's son who is about 23 is arrested for burglary for the second time and is in jail
• Jeff sends sister a text expressing concern/condolences at 3:00 PM on the 20th (magic date)
• At 10:30 PM same day Jeff receives vitriolic texts back telling him to shove his concern up his ass, etc
• I'm left wondering if that was sister texting or husband?  Now I need a foil hat because I'm suspicious of everything
• 'have a nice life' was tossed by both parties

Meanwhile, same day, December 20th, family xmas party with Jeff's kids, my kid, extended family, all very fun happy people.  My kind of party!

• Keith is there, which is good we haven't seen him in a long time
• He has had a mild heart attack and his health is sorta failing, I clutch my pearls and he laughs because he is our only line of defense.  I say 'you cannot die' and he says 'oh believe me, I know' and we laugh again.  It's all good between us, every time, in person.  Hmmmm.
• Keith and I have a sit down talk which is not necessarily a CTJ (come to jeebus) but IS more firm from me
• I tell him Dad has NOTHING to apologize to me for, I have not CO (cut off) his parents because of the shitty things they said TO me, stop with arranging a deathbed reunion. 
• It's about Jeff and his pain, I don't like when someone talks to my husband like that and makes him so upset he breaks out in acne on his face at 57 years old from stress
• I also have been the scapegoat before, I recognize it, they are turning me into one again with the P/A comments behind my back (calling me a vulture, accusing me of trying to steal crystal and the mink coat incident, telling people I'm on her 'list' because I didn't go get Baby Keith from Baker on his ill-fated trip to Las Vegas, etc), and insert the NOPE FISH picture here again.
• He tells me he thinks sister's husband is nefarious abuser who is angling for control of both sister and the house Dad owns (copied from above)
• (they still think there is $500,000 in equity in that home magical thinking MORE POWER TO YA)
• He repeats for the gabillionth time that when the parents die HE gets the money
• I repeat for the gabillionth and one time that the fucking TRUST DOCUMENTS of which we have a copy specifically leave all property divided equally between the three kids
• I encourage, nay, INSIST that he get someone out to that house to re-draw the trust docs while both parents are in their right minds (ha) to give it all to Keith (including the magical unicorn and leprechaun with his pot of gold that live under that house)
• I also tell him to get a POA, even a limited one, naming HIM as having the POA for his parents
• Jeff absolutely does not want any part of that house.  He thinks Keith has earned whatever there is in equity simply by wiping asses, driving to the VA 6 times a week, and just living in that madness.  I totally agree, but my opinion doesn't matter really because as I keep telling Keith, IT'S NONE OF MY BIDNESS
• I DO NOT WANT ANY PART OF THIS SHIT STORM
• ha ha that up there ^^ is funny because C Diff infection causes horrific STENCH FILLED diarrhea which from what keith said CANNOT BE CONTAINED IN ANY ADULT DIAPER KNOWN TO MAN

Aaaand I'll just re-add that NOPE FISH here because NOPE.

I have lots to catch up on here.  My trip to Florida and the side-trip to Daytona Beach.  Thoughts on what is 'normal'.  My glee that christmas is almost over again for another year.  Positive energy.  All that rigamarole.

Wishing all of you a very quiet, happy, and calm Christmas and New Year.  Comfortable stretchy warm PJs, mugs of soup or coffee or stew.  Cookies and great movies and naps and lapfuls of furry pets.  

Deathbed Apologies (do you smell that?)

**(update already and I haven't published this yet.  Jeff texted me that his dad is awake and looks better.  I responded with a succinct LOL.  Jeff replied 'same routine'.  Holding off on cute dress for funeral again)**

Jeff's dad is in the hospital (again, forever and ever, world without end, amen) and has been since just after Thanksgiving.

[they had tried to guilt us into coming for TD and I told Jeff sincerely to JUST GO but I wasn't going to put myself on a narc dinner platter in that house of disease.  He chose to spend it with me, natch.  His mom even called me (ME!) and used her airy-fairy voice on me 'if you guys aren't busy tomorrow...' uh, no thx see ya - we didn't go obv]

Anywhozle this hospital trip has revealed that nDad still has 'c difficile' which is an intestinal infection that is essentially non-curable.  He also still has MRSA along with the 3 types of cancer he's had for years.  But it's this infection that is, finally, killing him (praise jesus call the undertaker)

End of life specialist meeting called this morning at 9 - Jeff is there right now.  I am NOT there.  My dog has a bladder infection and I am taking her to the vet.  I haz priorities.  Besides, this is a meeting that wives and in-laws do not need to attend.

PUNCHLINE:

Jeff's brother told Jeff 'dad would like to clear things up with Casey before he dies' (paraphrase but you get the jist) which.  HELL-lo.

1.  Admission of guilt.  Old fucker knows he was a complete asshole MANY times over and that he is the reason I wont speak to them anymore

2.  The Narc Playbook!  Isn't one of the last rules in it telling the narc to have a Deathbed Confession?!  EXCEPT - it will just be shuck-&-jive, more jibber-jabber, more bullshit and finger pointing.  There is never an admission of guilt, and then an apology, and then a request for forgiveness.

This is playing out like a made for tv movie.

And the kicker is, really - he didn't do anything to ME.  He was a horrific raging asshole to my husband, and to the rest of his immediate family, to which I had a reaction and chose to sever contact. Ain't nobody treats my husband like that and get's no consequences.  But actually TO ME?  nah, the man never raged at me.  He was shitty, and all that, but never RAGED at me.

So why me?  I'll tell you why.  I'm the only one who SAW HIM.  I'm the one who called him AND his family on their bullshit.  I know he could hear me in the background when he was yelling and narc-raging at Jeff on the phone that one time - He could hear me saying !!!WHAT?!? and whatnot in the background.  He had a witness to his insanity from outside the narc-circle.  And now he wants to plug that hole.  Somebody HAD to be the scapegoat, and Keith, the brother (who went to Vegas but ended up in Baker, remember?) who has typically been the SG was now the caretaker and the sister who shared the SG role was DONE and was on very LC with them, and Jeff is the GC so...  oh hey!  it's ME!  lol.  Scapegoat again *shakes fist*  it's just, sad kinda - because he has no power.  And since I went NC with that entire family, I never heard any of the bad-mouthing that I'm sure I got.

I can hear it now "I meant well, I was a very sick man, I was upset, let's put this all behind us what does any of this matter?  let's pray" and that entire thing will be a non-admission, a non-apology, and a non-starter.

BUT - and here is the nut of the issue.  I don't give a fuck.  I don't want an apology, because he didn't do anything to me!  He hurt my husband badly - so apologize to him?  I don't care what he says, or how he says it.  Jeff want's me to go and let the old man do his thing and die in peace.  And for Jeff, I can do that.  I guess.  *shrug*

Sometimes, you do things simply so you do not look like an asshole to other people.  This is one of those times.  I'm going to see Jeff's family at bbqs and whatnot every once in a while for the next 20 years.  I'm vain and selfish enough to want to be known as 'the forgiver', lol.  I'M A HORRIBLE PERSON, I get this.  But I will go, and stand in that room, and let him talk.  And I might say something in reply like 'do you like these shoes?  I think mice are so cute!  woof woof!' and mess with his deathbed head.  And then when he tells people after I leave that I said things like that, they will shake their heads and think the morphine kicked in.  And I get to look like the good guy.

And after THAT I will go home and take 7 showers and then take clorox bleach wipes to my car and door handles and wash my clothes in hot water.

And hopefully NOW i can start shopping for a cute black dress.  Hopefully now there will be a funeral.

(OH and I checked the VA death benefits page and the VA pays $300 for funeral costs.  Looks like I need to start looking for a cardboard fridge box behind Sears because I AM NOT PAYING FOR A FUNERAL oh hell no)

For fun, I will provide links to the prior madness:
Watching a train wreck
The hits keep on coming
I'll burn it down first

oh, jeeze. ELL OH ELL

Yeah, second post today but GET THIS

My eldest sister just called to wish me a happy birthday.  She said 'I couldn't remember if you celebrate on the 1st or the 3rd so I'm calling today on the second!'

Let me explain this:

I think I've mentioned.  When my dad brought me to Calif he changed my birthday in order to get me into 1st grade before the cutoff - so that he could have control of me from my mother in Fla, so that I was in school and not needing daycare, so that HIS life worked for him.  HE CHANGED MY BIRTHDAY.  It was a big deal, they made it a big deal, and all these years later my eldest sister is still confused.  (They also didn't like calling me Casey, I had to go by Kathy for a while (I guess until they gave up since I probably told everyone my name was Casey when they asked, because I WAS FUCKING 5/6 YRS OLD)  I mean, it was only from the 3rd to the 1st - what's the problem, right?  confused the everloving crap out of me.

SO all these years later, I am now 54 (tomorrow) and my own sister cannot remember which day I celebrate.  But she knew what day I was actually BORN - I mean, do you get that?  (to be fair I cannot remember all of their birthdays either, I know the month but not the exact day.  But she remembers enough to be confused by it still).

It's just mind-blowing what they take away from you in order to make their lives easier.  My birthday, AND my name.  Not to mention my mother, my aunt, my home, my brother - *poof* all gone because it didn't fit the image.

And oddly enough, or maybe not odd because all the great things happening lately, this is just sort of a period at the end of a sentence about my childhood.  It really did happen.  People DO remember.  And it really doesn't matter anymore!  She called, and I love her for remembering my day and for making the effort.

And that is a good start to the last 3rd of my life!

I love my life. Who knew.

It's raining here in SD.  It's like a birthday gift a day early this rain.  WATER.

I was re-reading my recent blog posts, because so much has happened in such a short amount of time and I want to make sure I'm remembering it.

I found the one I did about animal totems.  And I'd like to re-post the three animals i looked up at the time:

There is a great transformation happening within you right now. Trust that your life history has prepared you for this momentous change.

-Crow

I have been talking about this momentous change for months.

What you see and judge as shortcomings in others is also reflected within you. Realize that true acceptance comes from the heart and that there is no need for judgement in any shape or form. Allow forgiveness to flow through you.

-Pelican

And this - forgiving ME is so hard, but forgiving others in my life for being human.

Consider the future you are weaving. Does it include your biggest dreams?

-Spider

I'm weaving a future...

*******************************

When I posted these originally, I was simply recognizing the animals that were trying so hard to get my attention.

Then I went on writing and listening and moving forward.  Now I look at these totem definitions and I AM BLOWN AWAY.

The post I did about old 'friends' contacting me, and forgiving them and ME for the past.  The doorways and threshholds and this last third of my life coming, coming and being important, and MOMENTOUS CHANGE - not necessarily physical change, like moving house, but now I see.  Emotional change.  HUGE.  And then getting creative, creating things yes but creating my future using ideas I had long abandoned as unsuitable.

Trust that your life history has prepared you for this momentous change.

hoo boy.

I love my life.  I LOVE MY LIFE.  wow - tears again.  So many truths coming at me so fast these days.

I'm going out to walk in this miracle of RAIN, and see what the universe has to say to me today.  And I am smiling so big.

Becalmed

1. <becalmed at last, she slept soundly for the first time in weeks> (years) (decades?)

Not only am I not scared anymore - I'm not angry anymore.

huh.

I've been both of those things - Very Scared, and Completely Pissed The Fuck Off, for about 54 years now.  I't different, this new 'not' feeling.  I just got the chills, ack shoo lee.

I'm not angry about the abuse anymore.  Which is NOT to say anything stupid like 'I forgive my abusers' or any bullshit like that.  I most assuredly do NOT forgive.  The abuse has not been acknowledged by the perpetrators, and forgiveness has not been requested.  In my world, both of those things have to happen before I would ever consider 'forgiveness'.

[And, sorry all you ACoNs just starting out, but that shit ain't EVER going to happen.  Let me just get you to the end of the story real quick - stop writing letters.  Stop explaining.  Stop making grand gestures.  Stop crying and explaining boundaries - stop wasting time, and over-extending your hope-bone.  And for the love of christ, please stop feeding your children to 'The Grandparents' - your children ARE being abused, right in front of your eyes.  They see your stress/fear/anger and assume that is a normal response to them.  The narcs will not become anything else than what they are.  That leaves YOU to become something other than what you are.  It's YOUR responsibility, and your only hope.  The End.]

But angry?  meh.  See, I used to swim with sharks.  They ate me.  A LOT.  it hurt, a lot.  I kept asking them not to do it.  But I kept swimming around in that pool.  And every time I did, I would get a stomach ache and a headache and drink too much to compensate for the stress of being around sharks.  They did not understand what I was saying because I do not speak shark.  Now I do not go in that pool.  The sharks are still in there, swimming around.  Eating others, I suppose.  But it's not ME anymore.  And it isn't any of my business what they are doing.

Do you get that?  Once you go NO CONTACT it isn't any of your business if the narcs are still being narcs.  I don't go to the edge of the shark pool and look to see what is happening.  I don't ask my sisters if my mother (shark) is eating someone else.  I don't want to know, and it is none of my business anyhow.  I am free.

I will no longer waste my time being angry at a bunch of sharks in a shark tank.  *shrug* they just are who they are.  I can shake my fist at the fates who allowed me to be born into that mess.  Sounds futile but I did it for years.  I can HATE the sharks for being sharks and for feeding on me all the time.  For not seeing that I was not born to be food, that I was just a baby/kid - well, sounds just as useless and I did that for years too.  I would yell and cry and all, and they would just look at me with shark eyes and think 'food'.  They didn't ever once say 'hmmmn, why is this food making so much noise?' it never occurred to them.  And in all those years of fear and anger and hate, I never once just got myself out of the fucking pool.  It never occurs to US that there is a ladder and a towel waiting outside.  Probably an iced tea too.

I'm out now.  It's silly, all that angst and energy I wasted being so angry and scared when all I had to do was get out, dry off, and walk away.

Whole

I'm learning that it's really ok to jettison people.  that it's still ok to want to do that, even after getting rid of narcs and whatnot - even though these people may not have been from 'the bad time' - when being with someone takes more energy than you like, it's time.

When a person is broken also, same as you, it can mean 'hey ha ha we get each other!' or it can mean nothing.  I can see that you are broken but your pieces do not fit with my pieces, not really.

I'm just so done with things/people/events that sap my energy and don't give me any back.  Now that I've had an epiphany about myself - that I'm really not all THAT broken and that my definition of what makes me strong and good is changing.  And that just because I might like a person doesn't mean they need to make it into my inner sanctum of peaceful friendship.  Arms length is a good place for some people and the best place for me to keep them.

We all know that going no contact with narcs is the only way to happiness in that area.  All of us get there eventually.  Once you realize that no birthday party, no christmas morning, no family event is worth their presence.  But it seems to have boxed my thinking up.  It isn't just SUPER BAD GUYS that need weeding out.  It can be other people too - perfectly friendly, nice, non-horrible people who I just don't like all that much.  There doesn't have to be a reason other than MY reason, which is that they don't make me feel easy and energized.

Absolutely nothing is coming with me into my new world, my final third - nothing that I don't want.  And picking what I don't want is fun, actually.  It's very easy to recognize.

I'm going to break the mold for Thanksgiving and Christmas from here on out too.  There is more than one way to skin that goose before you roast it up.  Being with family, nope.  Being with a FOC - well, maybe but being ALL ALONE might be the nicest, happiest thing ever.  Maybe renting one of those cottages on that pier and finally feeling completely light, free, and RIGHT is what I'll do.  Jeff will join me on the porch (once he is home from his family obligation) and we will watch the sun set over the water.

Nothing bad happened on Thanksgiving!  nothing at all.  I didn't feel threatened or unhappy.  But I didn't feel SWELL, like it was the best use of my time and energy.  By the end I was just looking forward to it being over, which yes any company can make you feel that way, really - but there wasn't an equal and opposite feeling at the beginning, a feeling of excited looking forward.  And during, no feeling of energized conversation.  It was fun - it was fine.  The best that could be said was that there was no drama.  Which used to be all I asked for.  I want more these days.

I'm done with feeling uncomfortable around anyone.  I just realized, the point of this post - my being uncomfortable isn't about how broken I am, it isn't about personal space or anything to do with ME actually.  Besides the fact that I chose to spend time with people who make me uncomfortable.

It's my bad choices, made out of a misconception that broken people should stick together.  It stems from choosing friendships with people when you are first and foremost broken, and you want to surround yourself with other broken people.  I'm not really broken anymore, and I don't want broken anymore.

And my life is wide open to meet people I can really connect with.  Simply by not leading with my abused child self I imagine I will meet better (more whole?) people.  Broken people attract broken people.  I want to meet 'whole' people.  Interesting people.  NICE, calm, happy.  HAPPY people.  No more gathering people close simply BECAUSE they are broken.  More to the point would be gathering nice, interesting people into my world broken or not.  Not the first thing I look for, not the first thing I talk about.  Not the first think I show of myself.  The broken places aren't the most interesting places anyway!  not always.

Spotlight on the whole person, not just the cracks.

I have some good whole people already in my world.  I am cutting and culling the others.  And in turn I am making my own self learn to lead with my whole self, my interesting, happy, whole (as in not missing pieces) self.

The cracks are there - there is just no need to point them out.

Acceptance comes in many forms.  I ACCEPT ME.  I like me.  And all of me, the WHOLE me, is a pretty great person.

My mosaic table top *edited*

This is the mosaic table top I made at the class I signed up for.

Lo and behold, the woman is a kindred spirit.  not in the Lived with a Narc way, but in the 'wow my brain doesn't feel quite as broken when I'm around you' way.

I've already told her I'm interested in taking another class.

Doorway INDEED.

**********

Good grief.  Remember when I found this random photo on the internet?

I used Picasa and re-cropped it and lightened it:

TW - you are right, they are pretty Celtic looking.  Also IT'S A MOSAIC. (well, if by mosaic, in this case, you mean tiles in a frame.  but still.)

The table I just did.  Mosaic Celtic trinity.

These coincidences are just happening all the time, and if I wasn't writing this stuff down I wouldn't even remember.  Because stuff like this has happened all my life but unless it's on this blog, I don't really have specific examples.  Not many anyway.

I just keep moving forward into this new great place, and take notes on the way!

Elimination Round

So - let's talk doorways.  Thresholds.  The type I keep alluding to here and there.

Here's some woo-woo for you:  for about 6 months now I would get VERY dizzy in doorways.  I know I mentioned - but it was very weird.  I would get seasick unlocking my own front door.  It also happened at the elevator lobbies, which I figured could be explained by the way the building might shake?  because of the elevator machinery?  but yeah - even the gates out to the river behind the complex.  Just a weird feeling of vertigo while I was unlocking/waiting/passing through.  It also happened at the ocean - when I would/still do stand in the waves and look toward the horizon, listening to seagulls and watching the cute surfers (what?) I would get very dizzy.  Chalked that one up to the movement of the ocean around my knees.  I do TRY to be logical...

random beach house from google but what a view...

So I started wondering what could be going on, in a woo-woo fashion (that fashion back up until like 2 weeks ago was thinking it was SKEERY NEGATIVE STUFF I mean I always, always thought if it was woo-woo in any way, it had to be negative)  I thought maybe the little protection spells/intentions I have done for my home may be stronger than I thought?  ha - but you know, one does like to be all egotistical once in a while.

Once I started paying attention - which that phrase started being very loud in my head PAY ATTENTION! I started to think of doorways and thresholds in a different way.  In a more 'you are on the verge of walking through a life doorway hello!' way.  Which was part and parcel of the stuff I've been realizing over the last year?  At least 6 months or so.

First it was, I think, realizing that I had so much actual PEACE in my life.  Any fighting or arguing with anyone was going on inside my own damned head.  None of that was happening to me in reality land.  I was/am still so used to FIGHTING and feeling scared and alone and tossed around that my brain just kept going on that path even though there was nothing really there.  That sort of thing has been happening to me for the last 4 years actually.  So I had to forgive myself for that, pat myself on the fanny and start telling myself 'it isn't real, you're just used to turmoil it isn't real' - and kept learning to let it go.  And the doorways started in.

(doorway dizziness and the hairpins - started finding one a day again I'm on the right track I think)

And then I figured out about the 3 cycles of my life - and I'm entering (soon) the final cycle.  And I've just started to think about what I want to drag with me into this new wonderful place.  And the doorway dizziness is SHOUTING at me to pay attention to this loudly now.  'you have a choice and it's huge what are you going to do?'

And so I'm deciding I'm leaving all the overt negativity behind me.  ALL of it. I am not bringing any of my childhood abuse crap with me into this new place.  If I can shake it off and get rid of it, it's going.  I can't remove my past but I can stop SWIMMING in it.  Stop marinating in it.

I've gone through my favorites bar on my computer and deleted well over 100 links to blogs.  DONE.  I don't want to study NPD anymore.  I was absolutely immersed in it for years, and it was like an AP college class and it saved me and brought me here.  And now I'm done.  I still have the links on my sidebar, people I have 'met' and who have helped me so much.  But I'm not going to spend the best part of every day checking a shit-ton of blogs about abuse anymore.

I deleted links to Child off Hoarder blogs.  To alcoholism blogs.  No more weight loss blogs, no more personal finance blogs.  NO MORE.  The struggles are real, the successes are wonderful, the stumbles are heart breaking - but it's drama and it isn't MY real life.  And I know enough about ME and my childhood now to not have to study the fuck out of all of the ways people can abuse children, themselves, their families.

And with that, I've decided to leave my own childhood abuse outside this new door.  It is a part of me, sure.  But it no longer defines me.  I made an analogy of my broken self, my abused self, that I'm like a 3-legged dog who has learned to cope with only having 3 legs.  To take that into this new headspace - yes - I am still a dog with 3 legs.  But - this is stupid maybe.  but this:

rather than having people say 'oh poor doggie!  you have only 3 legs!' 

I want to be 'you're a smart, kind, loving, funny great dog!  

oh yeah, missing one leg but meh!'

(also:  I don't want people describing me as a DOG but I'm hoping you get my drift here)

So this next couple of weeks is going to be a lot of walking and thinking.  And getting rid, really getting rid, of this sackcloth and ashes I've been wearing.  I still haven't truly decided what I'm going to be when I grow up - I haven't decided what I DO want in this next phase of my life.  Beyond WATER, grass, a hose, some mermaids IS IT SO MUCH TO ASK? but I know what I don't want.

And that, y'all - that is one way to head into the future.  I'm walking down that path, heading toward that doorway.  Elimination round commences.

I'm not scared anymore. Holy Cats.

Past, Present, Future
Maiden Mother Crone
Father, Son, Holy Spirit
Always, there is magic and power in three.

After all, Schoolhouse Rock declared 3 a magic number back in 1973:

"Three is a magic number.

Yes it is, it's a magic number.

Somewhere in the ancient, mystic trinity

You get three as a magic number.

The past and the present and the future,

Faith and hope and charity,

The heart and the brain and the body

Give you three.

That's a magic number."

The trinity that most fascinates me right now is the Maiden, Mother, Crone.

I spoke already about my first two thirds of my life, what I now see as the Maiden and then Mother cycles.  (Although, not technically a 'maiden' after I was 19, but you get my drift.)  It seems so amazing to me that these 3 mystical cycles of life are lining up so neatly with the 3 cycles of my own life.  Completely, mathematically, logically (to me anyway) lining up to my life.

Maiden, Mother, Crone moon symbolism

I've always embraced the witchy world, since I found it.  Call it Paganism, or Spirituality - or the religion Wicca but I do not follow any religion.  The nature-based aspect of it - as a woman, my ties to the moon and the tides run all through me.  I feel much more at home and holy near the ocean, outside, than I ever could indoors at a church.

[as I am writing the past two days, a big fat crow has sat in the palm tree right outside my patio and SCRAWKED at me for like 10 minutes!  I went out there and said hello and my Charlie Dawg went with me and just looked at him, because that crow would NOT shut the hell up and he was looking right at us!  snapped a couple pics and he finally flew off I HEAR YOU UNIVERSE JEEBUS]

Anywhozle:

What does this last third of life mean?  well, mean to ME as this is my blog and my mental regurgitation (you're welcome!)

This one cracks me the hell up - yeah, 'sposed to be all MYSTICAL but that hair, that leaping.  It's ME!

In my 'Maiden' cycle, it was all about crazy, seriously bat crap crazy.  Undiagnosed manic-depression (diagnosed at menopause as POST mania.  Yes, I can't get out of bed there is no more mania THANKS DOC).  Running from childhood fears and scared out of my mind that someone, anyone, would find out what a fraud I was and take away my 'life' card.  Oh man, when I look back with the clarity of all these years, I was one scared little girl.  And I had every right to be.  The mental, physical and sexual abuse I had been subjected to had taught me to fear everything, every one.

In my 'Mother' cycle - i was a MOM!  I was good at it, but I was flailing away with the only tools I had - what I called a ball-peen hammer and a melon baller.  I was still scared but not running so much.  I still felt like a fraud in EVERY aspect but motherhood.  I had no experience with it, but man I took to it like a duck to water.  The end of this cycle has been slooowly coming.  It was very, VERY difficult to let go of the Mother cycle.  Menopause almost killed me, almost ruined my marriage.  And letting go of Mike was/is a more forcefully peeling away my fingers than it was/is just a graceful letting go.  But I did it.  I raised up a wonderful grown kid.  I DID IT.  I'm prouder of that than anything.  But I was still very scared - I used to ask myself 'if I am not a mother what is my point?' - seriously.  Without motherhood I was (I felt) nothing and nobody.  Mike defined me.  Made my life REAL.  I was very scared to let go.

This cycle also saw me start to get smart about my broken child abused self.  I met and married Jeff, which was the smartest decision I ever made, really.  I moved geographically away from Abuse Central, as far as I could and not really piss off Mike's dad lol.  I got my first real, actual,l DEDICATED job and did it for 5 years like a goddamned champ.  They STILL want me to come back.  I started a LOT of work on me - work that has ended up bringing me here - to this blog, to all of you - to the knowledge that my childhood WAS a fucked up mess and I wasn't just a big fat baby.  It brought me absolutely the JOY of getting to the other side of this mountain - certainly there will be more mountains to climb but this - discovering I am an ACoN - discovering that I have A CHOICE if I want people in my life! <--huge deal, right there - discovering that I am a pretty funny amazing person all in my own right.  That the things I DON'T know how to do do not define me.

Discovering that I AM OK.

and again, while writing this stuff down, I am getting all tearful.  This has so much meaning for me - I feel like I'm graduating from school.  Not finished, oh hellz no, there is still the advanced degree to get - but now I know I CAN DO IT.  

Oh hell - here it is - I'm not scared anymore I AM CRYING FULL ON NOW

I'm not scared anymore.

I didn't have any idea that was coming.  Not until I typed that up there.  

Fear has been a burden - SUCH A BURDEN for me.  Scared of me.  Scared of what people thought.  Scared I was doing 'it' wrong.  Scared I was going to say the wrong thing.  Scared my skirt would be tucked up into my underpants at some point.  Scared someone would yell at me or criticize me or not like me.  SCARED.  Living in fear.  Nervous as a long-tail cat in a room full of rocking chairs.  Terrified of slamming doors or walking in heels or talking to people or.....

If I can offer you any hope - any of you starting out on this journey to discover all the ghosts and haints in your childhood - trying to throw open windows and SEE (Jonsi) the truth - discovering YOU and all of that - the hope is this.  At the end, maybe, you wont ever be scared any more.  A ringing phone or email notification wont send you running to the bathroom with diarrhea. You maybe wont need a xanax prior to a holiday meal.  Or even a glass of wine!  You'll be safe - because YOU will be keeping you safe in your own arms.  You will discover, maybe, how to take really good care of you.  and you wont be scared anymore.

2 Thirds Done! Level Up!

Just because I think she's gorgeous

I've said that I can tell I’m headed to a doorway.  Doorway, threshold – a life change is coming and something has been preparing me, or trying to prepare me, for quite a while.  Everything will change when I go through that door, and it needs to change.

All of my life, the spirit side, the ‘woo woo’ has tried like goddamned hell to get my attention.  The streetlights going off were the beginning as far as I can tell, but there may have been earlier things.  Something was trying to get my attention.  And although I noticed, and talked about it – what didn't happen was me LISTENING.  So much noise in my life, I didn't just be still and listen.  So whatever it is that wants my attention kept on trying and trying, in different ways.  It wasn't until the last couple years that I really started WONDERING about it.  And I have to tell you, there is so much woo-woo mashed up into my life it is VERY difficult separating the positive from the negative.  It isn’t a science, that’s for sure.  I only just realized that there might be more positive than negative – and that is blowing my mind.  I just sort of assumed that anything that wasn’t OVERTLY from/about Byron (dead friend) was very. very. bad.  But the good stuff was trying to get thru too – to help me.  Every life decision I made, if I had just listened to my intuition and instincts, might have been easier, I may have made a better decision, if I had known to be still and LISTEN.

In the last year, maybe more I guess, I've talked on this blog about calling my power back.  About my spirituality and I started fumbling my way around the signs and symbols being thrown at me, almost literally in my face.  The streetlight thing had mostly stopped (they were probably exhausted from 15 years of working those lights) – but clock times had suddenly BOOMED into my reality, and into Jeff’s reality!  2:22, 3:33 – etc etc.  Not often the 11:11 that other people get, but always a triple digit.  We started wishing for “MONEY MONEY MONEY!!” when it happened.  Yeah, that worked like, not at all.  lol  But the hairpins.  Jayzhus lord THE HAIRPINS.  For a while there I was finding about 5 a day.  A DAY.  I have a shit ton of found hairpins.  And because I am a little slow – or more accurately because I have dead relatives that, when they were alive, pretty actively tried to KILL me dead – I was pretty skeptical about the motivations behind these pins.  {I find 1 or two a month now, NOTHING like when I was first starting out.  And usually always I find one when I’m thinking – paying attention – to my life.  It seems to be telling me I’m on the right path in that moment}

[I did start getting rid of both physical and emotional ties to people that needed to go.  I burned old birthday cards from former boyfriends and did a lot of visualization of untying any ribbons connecting me to past emotional landmines.  I still work on that in fact – thoughts have power, and I actively have to turn my thoughts away from ‘missing’ someone.  I don’t really miss that person, it’s sort of a muscle memory anyway not a real emotion.  So I mentally *snap* a rubber band on my wrist and move on.]

But with the hairpins, for the first time in my life, I kept working at a woo-woo puzzle.  I paid attention.  They were everywhere, and I was picking them up, and I was working it out.  When an answer comes to you, it just hits you in the right spot.  And my answer first was my Aunt Kay – I had a feeling my dna mother was part of it too but I wasn’t ready to let go of my feelings of angst surrounding her.  I kept finding them, and I kept thinking about it.  The day I wrote about how close they were, how my aunt tried like hell to help my mother’s fool ass and me, because she loved me too – that was the day I realized the pins were a sign from both of them.  They are together, wherever they are, of course they are.  They may have been born a coupla decades apart, but they are soul mates.  And they BOTH have been trying to get my attention.  (and this isn’t about forgiving my mother.  She is dead – has been dead a long time, since my birthday when I turned 19.  Maybe her soul has gone through what learning and rebirth it needed to do in that time – I have never dreamed of her or heard from her in all that time.  I still do not ever dream of her, or see her face.  It’s just the pins.  Whatever she is NOW, she is helping me.  What she was when alive was a broken, abusive mess.  And I suffered for it.)

I had started to be bombarded with images of mermaids and octopie and pelicans.  And WATER.  I still don’t have any clue what THAT means.  I’d love to think it means that I am destined to live by the ocean.  But I would settle for living in a place with grass and access to a fucking HOSE, so maybe that’s it – or maybe it’s a way for the universe to get more of my attention.  Because I started really paying attention at this point.

What I started being able to ‘get’ over that frequency was that these messages and all this squawking (good lord the squawking birds – crows and seagulls that SQWAAAAK at me and hummingbirds dive-bombing me!) was more about paying attention to MY LIFE.  And it was getting urgent, really fucking urgent, that I pay attention NOW.

TW posted a comment on one of my blogs about cycles and timelines.  Which got me really thinking about what year it is.  I started asking Jeff ‘what year did such and such happen’ because time gets really smooshed in my head a lot.  I started thinking that the end of this year is coming, is the next year something?  I realized my birthday is EMINENT and I will be 54 and that, my friends right there, is what they have been screaming at me about.

Bear with me, I know my blathering writing has been long winded lately – but these things are so very important to me right now.  I’m actually pretty emotional typing this because it feels exactly RIGHT.

I didn’t figure that I was at the half-way point of my life.  GOOD GOD if I live to see 108 I will kill myself.  Not to mention, that’s pretty unlikely.  So I started thinking in thirds.  And what about if I have lived 2 thirds of my life already, and I’m entering into the last 3^rd.  and BELLS WENT OFF.

The biggest (first) timeline change happened to me just before I got pregnant with Mike.  I was 29 when that happened.  But the 2 years that led up to that – I suddenly lost my friend Byron, and then I lost ALL those people who were my tribe, my gang.  They abandoned me.  It happened quickly and brutally (silently!) and sent me into a tail spin – almost a nervous breakdown.  It broke something in me.  It changed every fucking thing about me.  I was 26/27.  And 26/27 is about exactly half of 54.  You with me?

Second third – I get pregnant and my life becomes all about my amazing and wonderful kid.  EVERYTHING I do is for/because of Mike.  I still make mistakes, but his life (by his own admission and everything!) is wonderful, and we have a very close soul bond.  Blah blah stories of love and action figures – and you would think that the year he joined the USMC or the time he went to Afghanistan would have been the time that this 3^rd of my life’s story changed.  But it isn’t.  It’s now, it’s this next year.  And not just him, my niece too (the one I am close to like my mother and my aunt) – I am being told very clearly to LET THEM GO.  They need to begin parenting themselves.  Mike is now engaged and has his gorgeous fiancé to rely on for emotional support.  As it should be.  I feel weird saying that I am passing his emotional life from me to her, that isn’t exactly right.  What I do know is that my ‘mothering’ days are – NEED TO BE done.  He needs to find a way to get through tough situations using all the tools I’ve given him.  He deserves a chance to fumble fuck his way through life on his own – he will use what I’ve given him and he will stumble and work and flail about and it will be HIS life story.  I’ve been sneaking up on this for years, didn’t want to let go (what mother really does?) but his timeline is diverging from mine this next year in a HUGE way – he is moving to another state and will be getting married.  What is bigger?  With my niece – I’ve kept her as safe and sheltered from making big scary decisions as I could.  Now it’s down to her having to make those decisions in the next year and if I try to help her I will cripple her.  In order to help her I need to let her go.  They both need to find out how strong they are and how far down their reserves of energy and strength go.

Which leaves the final 3^rd.  Which will put me dead, by my calculations, at 81 and I am MORE than fine with that.  Lol – you think I’m kidding maybe, but I’m not.  I am not afraid to be dead.  I’m afraid to be OLD.

In my life, my actual BIRTHDAY is a huge important date.  Not like, I'm a princess it's mah birfday - I mean very seriously it's a THING.  

Me = born December 03, 1960
Missing brother = born December 03, 1964
DNA mother = died December 03, 1979 (the year I graduated high school)

I'm not certain what in the fuck is so important around December 3rd.  But there ya go.

**to be continued I’m writing at an amazing pace these last few days.  I need to get outside for a while**

Of animal totems

Lately, and I mean since before Hallowe'en, some animals have been trying to get my attention.  The spider was first, even though she appears last on this list.  A nice big red fat spider spun a web just off our patio, up three stories, floating there.  Then over to the left another nice fat spider was in the palm tree.  I was glad to see them as the mosquitos have been horrific this year by the river.  Then I was noticing them, one after another, when I was walking my dogs.  Not so unusual I guess, it is fall after all and that's when spiders come out to play.  But much like the hairpins, these spiders were all but dancing a little jig to get my attention.

Real size on left, zoom on right

This is the one that was hanging off our patio.  It was so big, and so cool, we had a flashlight out there to shine on her at night.

The other animals that have been really jumping up and down at me, squawking, hooting - Jeeze Gladys, LOOKA ME! have been a solitary crow (did you know that a flock of crows is called a murder?  A murder of crows.  SO GREAT.)  No pic of actual crows trying to get my attention, but you can have this:

Because that's funny right there.

Also the pelican.  So many pelicans.  Now, even here at the left coast pelican sightings are sort of rare.  Not like seagulls and pigeons.  But I've been seeing them - pairs of them in the bay, fishing.

These animals have made such an effort for me to notice them (along with hummingbirds, seagulls, a hawk...) I decided to look up what the message is that they want to get to me.  And in light of everything going on in my psyche, all the stuff I'm realizing one right after the other, I thought these were so amazing:  (green is from web, pink is my thoughts)

There is a great transformation happening within you right now. Trust that your life history has prepared you for this momentous change.

-Crow

If Crow has flown across your path;

It is a sign of change. All that you have been working for and toward is now coming to fruition. Alternatively Crow is giving you clear messages and guidance as to what your next steps are. Pay attention to your thoughts, and to the omens around you. The messages are clearer now than they have ever been.

Crow as a messenger could also be letting you know that perhaps you are spreading yourself a little bit thin. It’s time to step back – re assess where you are at and take stock of your own dreams and aspirations. Being clear about our own desires is key in manifesting our intentions.

A sign of change.  The messages are clearer now than ever.  Guidance to your next steps.  Take stock of your OWN dreams and be clear in your desires as that is key in manifesting intentions.

I've been talking about change coming.  Once I started listening, once i created that vision board and really went inward, I started hearing.  I started that vision board to begin manifesting what I want.  It's more important than I ever thought. 

What you see and judge as shortcomings in others is also reflected within you. Realize that true acceptance comes from the heart and that there is no need for judgement in any shape or form. Allow forgiveness to flow through you.

-Pelican

If Pelican comes to you…

If Pelican has come for a visit the most likely reason is that he hinting that perhaps you need to take some time for yourself and go inward. Something in your life is slightly off kilter and needs to be balanced. He also teaches us to take it easy at times even in the most hectic of lives. Pelican loves to float through life and float through his emotions savoring each special moment. Have you taken the time to be in the moment?

Allow forgivness to flow through you. Forgive yourself, and others.  Something in my life is off kilter and I need to go more inward to get through it.  Take time to be in the moment.

Forgiving me includes forgiving all of those broken people from my past.  Which means I forgive myself for making mistakes, and I forgive all the slander, gossip and backstabbing that ruined me and almost killed my soul <--(working on that forgiving thing).  I need to spend some time meditating on those times, pull the memories out of the muck, clean them, expose them to sunlight.  And then forgive and let go.

Consider the future you are weaving. Does it include your biggest dreams?

-Spider

If Spider has woven its way into your life:

She is bringing your attention to your creativity. Is it at a peak right now? Are you ignoring your ideas and dreams? Have you taken the time to find the balance between your past and your future? All these are subtle messages that you need to focus on. Primarily though spider is giving you the message that you weave your own web in life. The reality you see before you was created by yourself. If it does not suit you then it is time to make changes.

Creativity.  it's really been missing from my life.  balancing my past and future is what is happening now with my former lives showing up, and me needing to resolve any issues before they muck up my future.  I can change what I have woven.

OH creativity, how I have missed it!  I threw all caution to the wind and spent $165 so that I can go and get my hands dirty, make a mosaic table - I'm going to learn how to use tile nippers and grout.  I'm going to make a mess and be able to create something beautiful!  It's time for me to make the changes I need to make, in order to have the life I want going forward.

****************************************

I am writing so much the last 3 days I don't have time to publish it all every day.  This has never happened.  Even when I did my Sonny Liston thing or my Lizzy Borden thing, I wrote it all at once and threw it up (almost literally) right away.  I have three drafts in my folder on this blog because now that I'm paying attention I am getting info very very fast.

If you are feeling like you are getting a sign from your higher power/the universe, you probably are.  Please take some time to internalize what the message means to you, bobby pins or dimes or 11:11 on the clock.  Someone is trying to get your attention.  Maybe it's to say 'hi' - or maybe as in my case right now, it's almost an ass kicking to get you to turn on the light in your brain and REALLY THINK.

Disjointed

For the longest time, a month or more? I've been talking here about change coming.  About water the ocean, and knowing there is a cosmic shift going to happen, a timeline split maybe.  But I could feel a huge deal in my life and today I am scared whatever it is is closer and may have more meaning that I originally thought altho I am no closer to a definitive answer than ever.

Yesterday I got a message from a friend telling me that they had tried to friend me on FB.  I went and looked as saw nothing.  Same person got back to me telling me to check 'other messages'.  Rootled around and found that button and HOLY FUCKING CRAP.

The very same girl I had talked about yesterday, the one who I originally crafted mosaic stepping stones with (the one who introduced me to crystal meth) - she had messaged me.  So had some random warehouse worker from when I worked at Gemco in 1980?  1981?  So had my BFF/Frenemy from jr. hi (on up through our 30's).

All of these messages were at least a year old.

My life back then in my 20s and 30s - well you all know.  I had grown up in Florida learning NO physical boundaries whatsover.  Learning that physical affection is love is security is for everyone.  Then to California where I learned all that a pair of narcs can teach you about how awful you are.  How unloveable you are.  By the time I was in my teens and 20's I was shattered into a million little pieces.  These people come from a time in my life when I would cling to everyone, everything, in the hopes of feeling whole again.

Good god there are more people that COULD contact me that would surely (Shirley) send me in to a tail spin.  Please don't misunderstand.  This time in my life was absolutely The Island of Misfit Toys.  I was no better than what I describe here.  We didn't know anything but cling together and use each other up.  Blind trust in a bunch of abuse victims all putting out disaster fires of their own.

The stories I could tell about my actions alone surrounding these people.  So many things I am ashamed of myself for - drugs and hook-ups and horrifying bad decisions.  This was right in the time of me living in that house with the two guys, where I rode my brown ten speed bike to Gemco to work every day, where I dated a guy named Dwayne (please do not contact me aaaaah).  Things happened FAST and furious in that time.  One thing right after another, moving and boyfriend and moving again and another job and my first beater car and bad decision after bad decision.  No drugs at this point except the occasional toke on a bong, but I hated smoking weed.  Didn't really drink either at this point.

But the messages took me all the way up through my first husband and Lynn and crystal meth and I was in my 30's continuing to make bad friend choices.  At least my kid and my job were good.

I'm feeling a lit - no a lot dizzy and nauseous this morning.  I then dreamed of seeing a lot of other old friend's names on a FB type list and they all had Oct. 4 next to them.  I cant know if that was 2013 or 2014.  10-4? like roger that military lingo or was it October 4?

It feels not good to me.  Like zombies coming out, crawling ooozing out all around me.

I would say they all represent bad times in my life, times when I was particularly wacky but I was a spazz 24/7 my entire life - every timeline in my life back then was bad.

Here's my big question.  Why now.  I mean, these messages were a year old I believe, but why was I led to find them NOW?  My first instinct is to RUN.  Run away from all of it.

But maybe I'm far enough along in my recovery <--you know what I mean to be ok just blocking the shit out of this stuff.

The warehouse guy - we FB chatted for 10 minutes (I would NEVER have remembered his last name.  His first name is Ralph which always made me laugh.  How he remembered me is a real mystery) he asked me if I'm married and then said I was still as pretty as he remembered.  Yeah, I heard the same thing you just did and shut that down pretty quickly.

He also brought up a guy Todd who I had briefly dated and treated like absolute crap.  I mean, I really was not a nice person to this Todd guy.  That name made me shut the talking down quick - if they are still friends, then this Ralph guy has heard the stories from the Todd guy, and who on earth would try and contact a woman like that?  (yes yes I'm a special snowflake NOW but that was a seriously bad decision me over in that timeline - who decides that's a good old friend to contact?)

*************

ALL of this makes me think that The Universe is doing one of 2 things, maybe:

1.  Here is your old life.  Look, all these people are still there!  You could start conversations, start flirting with married men again, start hanging around drinkers and smokers - PAR TAY!

2.  Here bunny - look where you were.  Now look where you are.  You've come so far from that Twilight Zone of a life.  You've worked SO HARD.  You aren't like that anymore (I just started getting weepy writing that - this must be the real point).

Seriously I'm crying I need to take a break here.

~~~~~~

Edited.  I went and planted some plants in new pots and turned on some good music (Lyle Lovett of course, with some Mark Knopfler thrown in) and had myself a good think.  Here's my thought.

I am being pushed by the Universe.  Into a new 'season' of life.  The actual second half.  I'm done being a parent - I mean, really done at this point - Mike just got engaged!  And that is a mind-fuck right there in a way, but in a good way.  He and I are still very close - it's just - oh hell.  Sunrise, sunset, blah blah.

And my whole life is changing now.  (still crying like a blubbering fool here) I have to come to terms with many things, I think middle age can be hard on lots of people.  But my creative side is being given a push (just sent off my check for the mosaic class!) and my mothering life is gently being untied from my fingers (waaahhh!) and my FORMER life - the old, scared, running, abused life...  Not only is that over, long over, but I've spent so long LEARNING from it.  (that learning part will never be over).  BUT

I'm being told to forgive myself.  I'm being told to really, REALLY, forgive myself.  Because I did the best I could.  I knew that intellectually of course - but I'm seeing it really clearly through my soul these days.  And I need to also forgive those who done me wrong - those Misfit Toys I was hurt by and who I hurt.  Because, obviously, same goes.  Those messages were a year old.  But I wasn't ready a year ago.  I wasn't ready to look at this stuff and forgive myself.  I'm ready now.  So I was made to wait until the right time to find those.

Because The Universe, that sexy beast, is telling me this next phase will be so much nicer if I'm not dragging all those raggedy ghosts with me.  I don't know yet how to forgive the abusers.  But I'm assuming that portion wont be FORGIVE so much as it will be just LET IT GO.  Because where I stand now?  Forgiving that sort of thing is impossible.

So working on forgiveness.  Of me.  Of my many mistakes.  And that is hard, so very hard.  Because I was taught to hate myself.  And oh boy, have I spent a lifetime hating me.  I don't know how to love me.

In praise of plate smashing

So there I was at the Am Vets thrift store yesterday.  MOSTLY looking for plates I can bash up and turn into a mosaic table top.  (I still hadn't figured out how I was going to get it done on my patio but when I get my teeth into an idea I am a sort of force of nature and just FIND A WAY) From having done mosaic stepping stones looong years ago, I know that the only really usable surface on a plate is the flat part in the middle - any tile pieces that curve up are going to potentially cut you (your foot on a stepping stone) so I was rootling around in the dusty mucky shelves of random breakable CRAP that lives in a thrift store, and lo and behold I found this!:

Weiner Dog Wallet Caddy!

Back when I was collecting S&P shakers, and faces (like mustard jars and etc) this exact thing would have cost easily $60 - $80 in an antique store.  Yesterday it cost me $1.95 + half off.  So basically a buck.  I don't collect this stuff anymore, but as a very reassuring sign to those of you who are certain I am bat-crap crazy, my mental illnes and me decided we simply could NOT leave this little guy at the thrift store.  (Have you seen Pulp Fiction?  One of my most favorite movies - the Bruce Willis character needs his girlfriend to go get his watch that he left in his apartment, hanging on the kangaroo wallet caddy like this:

The watch that came back from 'Nam crammed up Bruce Willis' dad's ass was hanging on the tail.  Just, FYI.  If I had found a kangaroo instead of the weiner dog version you would have heard the WHOOP! from here.

(on both versions, wallet goes in slot in back.  Change in front pocket.  Rings on the tail.  There is also one shaped like a squirrel?  or a skunk?  anywhozle...)

Jeff is super excited to be using it.  <--say that in a monotone.

I didn't really find any plates to bash up - I'm looking for blues and aquas and sea greens etc.  But I did find this:

It's a trivet, I believe.  Feels like ceramic but it may be painted cast iron?  Made to keep your table safe from hot pans.  Now, I figure this thing (minus the little rubber feet thingys) can be the center of my table mosaic.  I mean, this beauty cost me a buck, and it's sort of perfect for an outdoor table that is going to hold flowers and plants.  But it changed the direction of my artistic vision (*snort*) and I had to start thinking of different colors rather than the ocean theme I had going.  And it started to hurt my brain.

So then MULDER you gave me such a good idea!  You use FB Storage Wars  - and that led me to think of asking for mosaic classes around here.  I opened up Craigslist and SURE ENOUGH!  There is a woman working her side hustle like crazy, offering classes in mosaic!  She even provides everything you need - a table with a wrought iron base, and all the tile and um...  tesserae?  here is the quote from her linked website:
This is your chance to learn the basics AND create one very nice piece of functional artwork.  I only use Specialty Shaped-Tiles, Glass & Mirror, and some vintage and/or random tesserae. Feel free to bring any memento you would like to incorporate into your work of art.

The cost of this series includes all project materials, use of tools, and assistance needed to walk away with a beautiful and fun piece of artwork. I try to keep a selection of tabletop shapes: octagon, round, and square.  The table bases are the same for all tops: curly legged, wrought iron.

How amazingly fantastic is this?  It costs a pretty penny - $165.  That seems like a lot.  But in addition to providing a table (which I could provide my own, honestly hello Am Vets) she provides the use of all her tools, she provides the medium unless I bring some pieces of my own,  not to mention her expertise.  And who am I to deny someone who has a great side-hustle going??  It will be the perfect thing for me to get started and the mess is contained at her back yard.

I haven't decided if I'm going to use the trivet or not.  I really want to do a wave/water/sea thing.  I'll have to email her and see what all is involved.

And y'all - SIDE HUSTLE!  Muler and I are working it!  My trunk is full of our recycling again, I need to go turn that in and deposit the $9 or so in my bank.  I also found at the thrift store a Salvatore Ferragamo top for a dollar, that I'm pretty certain I can sell for about $25.  I have 4 or 5? microwave turntable plates listed, just waiting for people to realize thanksgiving is coming and they may need that cooking space.  Ditto with the dishwasher silverware holder.  I'm only a little less than 1/2 way to my goal of $1,000 but I'll get there.  (the fee for the class to mosaic this table is coming out of joint money because it's called MENTAL HEALTH, JEFF)

If you need some cash, you can make some cash.  Maybe only a coupla bucks at a time, but it adds up.