Thursday, May 9, 2013

Being a bitch keeps narcissists away

I keep coming back to the same question for myself. 

How is it that I have absolutely no narcs in my life these days?  How is it that I have been 'lucky' enough to remove ALL negativity from my life, when so many others are still dealing with or meeting narcs?

After all, I was trained to be PREY.  I was trained from birth to be subservient and to be prey for the predator, to let the narc hunt me and feed on my service and fear.  How is it that I have NO fear now?

I'll tell you what I have decided the answer is.  I'm a fucking bitch.

I hate people.  I have very, very few human beings that I interact with.  My amazingly wonderful husband on a daily basis.  Mike, my son, these days daily but sometimes once a week, 3-times a month.  My sisters, I mean I have 5 sisters and my mother is about to go in a nursing home - we talk a few times a month.  My niece and The Ever Patient France around once a month, via phone/text/facebook.  These people know me,  they crack me up, there is no small talk - there is real conversation, real depth, and a real connection.

Other than that, I am quiet, and solitary, and contemplative, and PEACEFUL.  There is a huge difference between solitude and loneliness.  I am NEVER lonely.  That thought actually makes me smile right now - the word 'lonely' just doesn't enter my world.  In Maryland I was decidedly BORED.  I am glad to be living in San Diego again, where there are multiple places for me to go and walk and spend my time. 

But I don't hang around PEOPLE.  I don't party.  I don't "visit".  I hate socializing with acquaintances.  I told you.  I'm a royal fucking bitch.  I don't want to talk about politics, or the weather, or who is fucking who.  I don't want their opinions on make-up or shoes or food.  I don't fucking care.

When I meet someone say, in line at the bank or whatever, I am pleasant and smiling.  But I don't want to really MEET them.  I don't want to get together with our husbands and play uh...  bunco?  cards?  nope.  Jeff would KILL me if I even suggested such a thing anyway.  We are loners who love each other's company. 

I have no high-school friends that I send xmas cards to - there are a couple of women on my FB friends list, and one in particular, who I "talk" to via that platform, and I have a great time with them.  On that platform.  The one in particular (Lisa) was my "BFF" in Jr. Hi and we find we still have MUCH in common, one thing being we are loners.  Har.

I am never caught unawares.  I am always suspicious.  Much like the Prince Humperdink in The Princess Bride, I always think everything is a trap, that is why I am still alive. 

Nobody gets in.  And my past is firmly in my past.  I guess that sounds lonesome or harsh when I write it out, that nobody gets in.  But I have learned how I relate to the world, how I enjoy my time, how much I enjoy my solitude.  I don't WANT more people, acquaintances, time fillers, clubs, luncheons, GOOD LORD I can't even imagine a worse life!  And staying in contact with my past - jeebus.  I'm 52 years old.  If I kept in contact with every old boyfriend or work chum my phone would never stop ringing.

I don't want neighbors stopping by, and in fact I am openly discouraging of the practice.  I will simply not answer the phone or the door if I don't want to, and I don't care if you know I'm home. 

And here is the kicker.  NOBODY has any power over me.  I have been completely honest, actually ridiculously honest, all of my life.  I own my mistakes, and boy have there been many.  I have been honest with Jeff about how I dated married men, about how I had an unfortunate (and thank jeebus short) addiction to meth back in my 30's - Mike is aware of all of that and has knowledge and access to this blog and my FB page.  There are no hidden ghosts in my past, so nobody (whoever that might have been) has any leverage over me.

I tolerate my mother for the sake of my relationships with my sisters.  I don't HATE my mother, and in fact will tell her I love her.  I call her once in a great while.  I am currently working on one portion of the Gordian knot that is getting her moved into an assisted living home.  But I don't do it for HER sake.  I do it for my sisters, because it is a burden to share.  I have no interest in, nor access to, her financial stuff.  I don't care.  I have told a couple of sisters that if my mother spends her last dollar, on her last day on earth, good for her.  I don't give a fuck.  I don't care what home she chooses, I don't care how much she sells her house for or if she gets ripped off, I don't care which car she sells and which one she keeps.  *shrug* I have no fucks to give.  I am now, with the help of this blog and the help of reading all of YOUR blogs, over the hump with regards to needing validation for my memories of my horrific childhood and my story.  I know it happened, that's enough.  What we sisters (most of us anyway) ARE doing is 'reply to all' on the emails, so that nobody is left out, so there is no triangulation.  Because my mother still does things like change which sister has the guardianship without telling the former sister that she changed it.  Which lets me know that my mother is still a narc, still triangulating, still a bitch, still doing what she has always done.  We don't tolerate it and so it goes.  But none of that is MY concern anyway.  I would absolutely REFUSE to be the guardian, or to have a POA, or any of that crap.  I don't care who does it, any sister but me.

Mike is grown and makes his own decisions about which relationships he will cultivate - I don't get involved except to offer my opinion - but I respect his point of view too much to push much or get involved.  I DON'T REALLY CARE.  I don't really care if he calls my mother, or any of his aunts.  It's none of my business.

See?  I'm a fucking bitch.  IT IS SO FREEING.  I have let go of so much crap.

I absolutely DARE someone from my past (like I have a past that would come looking for me.  I mean, come on.  They are all honestly probably as glad as I am that we are no longer in contact, I mean I was CrAzY with undiagnosed and untreated manic/depression.  When I was fun, it was great.  When I was depressed and self-centered?  shit, I was the worst friend ever). but srsly, I dare someone from my past to come and try to *I dunno* - blink - blackmail?  whu?  who would do that?  see?  nobody.  NOBODY.  It's the most amazing feeling.

I don't interact with Mike's other grandparents, his dad's parents, again, Mike is old enough to have or not have a relationship with them, and I don't have any reasons to ever see them.  Jeff's parents are sweet (and crazy) and his family has their problems, but it's none of MY business.  I don't get involved.  If they need a ride to a doctor or want me to research medications, I do so!  I go with Jeff once in a while and cook lunch and chat and then we leave.  I'm not involved in their finances or anything, none of MY business.

I recycle.  I'm unfailingly polite and pleasant.  I tip very well.  I turn my music down after about 4:00 PM, and don't crank it except on a Saturday afternoon.  I help people with groceries, I stop the errant toddler from running into the street.  I wait for pedestrians and I say 'excuse me'.  So I guess calling myself a fucking bitch may be a bit harsh.

I love me.  I LOVE ME.  I love myself.  I love my husband and my kid.  I love my life.  It is hard fought, hard won.  I have true regrets about some of the things I've done, and if given the chance will certainly sincerely acknowledge those things, and sincerely apologize.

Perhaps the 'never say never' thing should apply here.  Maybe once I am a very old woman, weak and bed ridden (Mike, please kill me before that, thanks, Mom) someone will narc me again.  But, nah.  Over my dead body.  I wont get fooled again.


15 comments:

  1. You sound a lot like me. I enjoy my own company and can't stand small talk or casual friendships. I have a low tolerance for superficiality.

    But you don't sound like a bitch to me. ;)

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  2. Ditto what VR said. I am not a small talk, nicey-nice person either.

    I love that you know where your business is and is not.... A sign of hard fought, good boundaries I say!

    You sound strong and happy and I am happy for you.

    And now I will have The Who stuck in my head all night.

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  3. Thanks guys. I think that most people who blog, who communicate through the glowing box on the table, ARE loners. We all (some? most?) have a bit of social anxiety, we're all weird! :)

    It's the best kind of party actually, visiting through typing!

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  4. Yeah, bitches! I fucking love this post Gladys!!

    Ditto this stuff for me too! I fucking hate the human race in groups and barely tolerate most individuals. I have two really close friends that I might meet for lunch now and then. My family consists of my daughter and two cousins. My younger cousin is getting a little iffy because his nosy wife won't stop commenting on my non-relationship with my parents so, fuck her!

    I'm never lonely either and thoroughly enjoy the company of my dogs, cats and MYSELF! My self-esteem is at an all time high.

    Why? Because I fucking kicked those miserable narcs outta my life and if some new narc tries their shit on me they pretty much instantly live to regret it.

    Being a bitch is where it's at!

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  5. My dearest "antique" friend Rita and I joked many decades ago that we'd "be lil' ol' ladies together rocking in our rocking chairs." I look across my LR at the beautiful old rocker she gave me a year ago that had been ensconced in her BR forever. I was staying at her place for a few days and remarked on it once again and she said, "Here, TW, just take it. I don't need it anymore" and insisted I take it-But only if she had "Visitation Rights to the Rocker" when she came to stay at my place ;) So I did. And yes, she does.
    We never ever expected our lives to turn out the way they have all those years ago: So many triumphs and tragedies. Some years back Rita was going through some truly difficult times and she asked, "TW, how many times can a person start over?" She wasn't being petulant or whiney at all-Rita is one tough lady. I said, "As often as we have to...whether we want to or not. But we don't have to do all the heavy lifting alone." We call each other every morning for a chat-sometimes it's just a quick one, sometimes, a long, intense one. But the reason we do it-even though we joke about it-is to be sure we're both alive.
    When everything on the outside starts falling apart, everything on the inside starts coming together. My closest friends are those people who due to distance and circumstance I may not see and we may call every few months. And pick up right where we left off. They are the treasures of my life, the true gifts that have become more beautiful and meaningful to me as time passes. They are few in number, huge in meaning. The rest are acquaintances and I've allowed more than a few to die a natural death. If that makes me a bitch, so be it: I've just become a more discerning bitch ;) I also need my alone time, I am not a bottomless pit of give-give-give and I don't have the energy or patience for non-stop drama and every one of us know N's thrive on Drama and Dissension. If that makes me a "loner," oh well. I like it like that. I chose to use what I have where I feel it will be the most beneficial, not wheel-spinning or according to "What Looks Good" on my "Life Resume."
    "I LOVE me!...I love my life. It is hard fought, hard won." Gladys, you've accomplished what I do believe many people can only dream of-if they'll allow themselves to dream *and* do the get-down kinda work and honesty with yourself that's necessary to reach a place of Peace in your world. Peace does not mean "Nirvana" nor a state of "Bliss" or necessarily "Peacefulness" with all the stuff that goes on in your outside world. IMO, it means you've come home, finally, to yourself: Frailties, failings, warts and all that stuff. And you're more than OK with all of it.
    "And I'll get on my knees and pray, I won't get fooled again."
    Me too. (But could you please help me stand up after?!)
    Kudos to all the Bitches and Bastards of the world: "Hard won.." I guess so. Congratulations, Gladys! Welcome Home.
    TW

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    1. TW - I love you. I'm a little pre-coffee-upload here this AM, so words are failing. But I SO appreciate you. You're one of the smartest people I've ever met.

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  6. "Friends" are way over rated. I have none now to speak of, all of them took me and my generosity as far as they could and bolted if reciprocity was expected on my part..

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  7. Hey q? So, what is Ms. R? Chopped livah?! ;)
    TW

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  8. No. I think you know my thoughts and feelings on Miss R. The barbarian did her homework when she wrangled us to divorce court, but we've mended nicely.

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  9. I can spend hours with miss R and never run out of things to talk about but be miserable surrounded by "friend's" at a cookout

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    1. EGG ZACK LEE. Smooch the lovely miss R, she sounds wonderful.

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  10. q, That's why I have a Dollar Store hibachi-no big honkin' gas grill for this old broad! And, of course, the Rusted Red Neck Lounge Chair ;)
    TW

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  11. ******HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY, GLADYS!********
    TW

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  12. I definitely think that calling yourself a "bitch" is a bit harsh. To me, you sound like an extremely healthy, confident and smart woman!

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  13. You just validated my present life as it is now so if you are one then so am I and here's to it lasting! xx

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