So, enough about you, let's talk more about ME.
I have a dark sense of humor. I prefer my ghoulish humor on the macabre side, thanks very much. Like this lovely alphabet book by Edward Gorey:
The title of this post is from The Smiths, a sort of punk/new age band from the 80's. The rest of that verse goes like this:
And if a double-decker bus
Crashes into us
To die by your side
Is such a heavenly way to die
And if a ten-ton truck
Kills the both of us
To die by your side
Well, the pleasure - the privilege is mine
That right there is funny. Gloomy, yes, but funny. I told Mike if he went all depressed and emo in High School the only way I could bear it is if he listened to The Smiths. Then I played the CD for him and he stole it. Hmph.
ANYWHOZLE. All of that, to get to this:
Weaning off of Wellbutrin: <--ominous sounds of crashing Phantom of the Opera chords...
I know I've mentioned about my anti depressants before, but a quick run through - Wellbutrin is an NDRI, which means Norepinephrine-Dopamine Reuptake Inhibitor. Most anti depressants are SSRIs. So this is different. I've explained about reuptake inhibitors, that is a chemical that allows my brain to use the drug. It's like my brain couldn't find its (dopamine) ass with both hands and a flashlight all on its own, so I need this stuff.
I had thought (ominous warning) that since I A: lost 33 pounds *golf clap* and B: I exercise all the time, and C: I gave up all grains and sugar, that possibly this would be a good time to get off the Wellbutrin and let my brain do all the work on its own. Surely (Shirley) I had moved mountains, fixed my poor broken brain? Not to ruin the story for you, but NO. No, I had not.
The day you write about imagining kicking a homeless person in the head MIGHT also be the day you realize things have slightly gotten off track. Slipped a bit into the Pit Of Despair, if you will. So, to sum up: Thinking Edward Gorey is funny? That's A-ok. Actually wanting to watch the bears eat that child? NOT OK.
Yes, as everyone reassured me, we (us ULBs) (and our children maybe) have learned to get a kick out of the dark side of life. If not, our morbid thoughts might turn us inside out. But I am not a mean person. I will rescue any animal, talk to any goopy toddler, smile at anybody in the veggie aisle...So while my giggling at Gary Larson comics is normal,
the rest was decidedly NOT normal. But it felt familiar...
Depression, as I have said, is a hideous insidious beast. It isn't sadness. It's NOTHINGNESS. Its colorless and tasteless (and odorless! Iocaine powder anyone?). It's the absence of all feeling. except maybe irritation and unreasoning anger. You know how motel rooms have those 2 layer curtains, first the filmy one that still lets light through, and then another one that blocks all light as if there was a reenactment of the London Blitz going on in the sky? Well, think of that bright window with several layers of only those gauzy curtains. It felt daily as if one more layer was being closed. I didn't notice the room was getting darker and darker until *blink* huh - I can't see.
After I wrote that last post and read all your wonderful replies (I love our community out here, I sort of feel ok to let my freak flag fly with all y'all) I started wondering why I felt so murderous. Why the dogs, coming to me with cute eyes and paws
asking me to go outside and GO PEE, for chrissakes, was making me want to scream. Why I didn't want to go outside or walk and the thought of taking a shower just seemed POINTLESS. And then I said oh hey, I remember feeling like this FOR 5 YEARS and no. NO, no no no.
So yesterday I started taking the Wellbutrin again.
Luckily, it is the kind of drug that you can stop and start without losing it's efficacy. I'm bummed - I really wanted to 'cure' myself with nutrition and exercise and all that - but I'm also sanguine about the whole thing. Taking this drug has CHANGED MY LIFE. If I have to take it forever and ever, world without end - then whatever. I will.
My brain IS broken. I need, desperately it turns out, the help that this medication offers. I'm certain that the healthy things I have accomplished in my life are making it easier for this drug to help me. Absolutely. But I can't be without it.
If anybody has gotten to this post researching 'Withdrawal from Wellbutrin" please know - as far as I can tell there are no serious psychotic side effects, and the drug doesn't become less effective for you. But RESEARCH THAT. What I want to tell you, keep track of how you're feeling. Journal what you did each day. Get a trusted someone to tell you if you're slipping back into your black hoodie and dark eyeliner phase. Just be aware of YOU.
I want to go back to feeling like I did in this post: http://mypostcardsfrompurgatory.blogspot.com/2013/09/3-month-report-yes-more-diet-crap-shut.html And that is where I'm going to stay. No more experiments - jeebus I'm like Dr. Frankenstein using my own body. no more.
Sorry for that last morose post everyone. Welcome to my brain. Pay as you exit.