Saturday, August 16, 2014


I've written (in my head) a million posts but honestly, it's too weird and sounds ridiculous.

Thing:  I have felt followed and gang-stalked my whole life.  Mike feels it in his life.  It's like, the people in Walmart or wherever all converge on my aisle, or cars always converge on my lane (I feel like I've written about this before).  Me eldest sister told me once (2 years ago-ish) that she was going back to her shrink because she was feeling people were following her around and she wanted to get medicated for being so weirdly paranoid.  I asked her, 'what if it really IS happening?' and the look I got.

It's easier to believe you're insane than it is to discuss this stuff out loud.

Ever heard of MILABS?  Military Abductions.  It's a subject rife with weirdos (I say that totally knowing the Alanis Morrisett irony of it) swearing they were kidnapped by aliens and probed.  But it's also a subject that includes actual MILITARY abductions.  And mind control.  For me?  I didn't ever get abducted.  But we were being watched.  Still am.

My mother's brother turned out to be a huge deal in Florida and he was big in the military.  (The one who died right when I started emailing him asking questions about my family.  He was old, so not unexpected but still, quite a coinkydink.   His sister, my lovely bat-crap crazy whore of a mother, was always desperate for money and attention.  I know (through my sisters) that she took DES when she was pregnant with all of us which is a horrific drug.  All of y'all over 50 were probably exposed to it.  MY QUESTION is what other sorts of things was she given as an experiment?  Was she part of some weird secret clinical trial?  It's not unheard of.  And she would have done anything for money and attention.  Who knows what the long-term goal of those medical doctors was?  What were they looking for, having given her (and us, in utero) some kind of experimental drug?

None of us were able to give birth normally.  Eldest never could get pregnant. the rest of us all had C-sections, were unable to dilate or have contractions.  ONE of my sisters ended up with TWO UTERUS (uteruses?) .  FOUR OVARIES.  Little bit on the 'circus freak' side of things there.  And we have all long since had hysterectomies.  The dose of estrogen given with that DES crap was off the charts.  I'm still looking for exact numbers but there is quite a bit of info to wade through.  I am now estrogen dominent, and fell SO much better since my body quit making it at all.

For the longest time I thought the weirdness came from my father's side of things.  Now I'm pretty convinced it was mother.  The military aspect of things...

I'm going to add up how many military people we are surrounded with, and the weirdest part of that is that my dad never spoke of his army time.  Because he was a fucking paper pusher, not involved in like Normandy or whatever.  But we were NOT raised to know anything about the military.  Other than White Christmas, I had no clue what the army was.  I didn't even know there was a Marine corps until I was in my 20's.  And yet every one of us blood-related sisters ended up marrying into a military type of family.  MINE is the most.  lol natch.

Plus all the guys I dated who had ties to the military.

Not to mention the dozens (DOZENS) of men who would sidle up next to me in cars, in the park, while I was riding my bike, then my moped - this started when I was about 7 or 8 years old - and every damned one of them was jacking off.  LOOKING AT ME, um - spanking the monkey.  Happened so many fucking times I just started to shrug it off.  But I'm guestimating 15 - 20 times until I got to be about 25 years old.

The guy who was riding his bike past our house, it was Thanksgiving and dark out already, and I had the job of taking the fancy tablecloth out front and shaking the crumbs out.  He stopped and smiled at me and made me feel SEXY - I was 10 years old people, and I was always a filthy little rabbit due to the neglect.  He asked me to go get my bicycle and join him.  He was flirting with me, smiling, saying 'come on1  Come ride with me!'  This was in 1970, 1971?  Dark out, 25 year old man making that request to a scrawny 10 year old.  And I was all shy and FLIRTING BACK and dug my toe in the ground and said 'I can't I'll get in trouble' like it happened EVERY DAY.

The weird shit, and also the near misses and the LUCK of my life is just so very strange.

The sex stuff - I started fantasizing about sex when I moved to California, so when I was 5, going on 6.  And not kissing sex - this was full on, S&M, women being forced and humiliated and raped type stuff.  Stuff a 5-year old wouldn't know about.  Unless, of course, she had grown up with a bat-crap crazy drug addicted mother who was about to sell her youngest daughter's small self to the druggies and loonies she brought home for her own pleasure.  I was starting to disassociate by the time I was taken to Calif. - only in later years did I realize what had been happening in my brain.  I can still get that scary creepy feeling of staring up at a corner of a room and working hard to just *blip* dissapear, getting tinier and tinier all the time.  YEAH, this shit happened, a lot of shit was GOING to happen.

Just recently, within the last few months, Jeff has said he has met several personalities of mine.  Once I take my Ambien, I guess the doors open up and my alters walk on out.  People - for Jeff to tell me this, to ADMIT IT HAPPENS, is so huge I cant really think about it.  I'm shaking right now typing this.  I had NO IDEA that there are other personalities in there.  I'm always driving this train wreck, I don't ever recal any indications that this sort of thing was happening.  But he says it's really FUCKING OBVIOUS and do you know how scary that is?

What in the hell?  Was I being groomed to be some kind of money making sex performer?  UGH and the echo still rings all these years later.  Sometimes I think the gangstalking/following is to see long term effects of the training and drugs.  Little did they know I would grow up, have a normal kid, eventually get married to a VERY normal man, rent a normal apartment, work, buy groceries, walk my dogs...  Not a lot of drama in my life.

And if my eldest sister blurted out that SHE feels stalked and harassed all the time, this is the sister with the masters degree and has been in therapy of years and years (thanks dad) I mean, wtf?

It's just weird, really weird around me all the time.

OH!  I was woken up the other night by someone knocking very loudly on my bedroom wall.  Which, whut the fuck, no.  It was three sharp knocks, the way that the maintenance guy would knock on your hotel room door if you called about a leaking toilet or whatever.  Thing is, I knew it wasn't real as soon as I opened my eyes because my dogs were just snoozing away, and it was LOUD.  Huh, someone was knocking trying to get in.

Shyeah, NO.

Just last night I dreamed I was in my actual bed, actual place I sleep, cell phone in my hand (?) and something *YANKED* me cell out of my hand by the charger cord.  I FELT IT.  Opened one eye and kind of laughed and rolled over, I wasn't actually holding the phone and I knew it was more attention seeking.  It doesn't feel friendly, but I don't feel threatened.

So there is the medical/military experimentation aspect of this.  And then the weird woo-woo precognizance manifesting and outcome manipulation I can do.  Nope, can't bend spoons or win at blackjack, but the stuff I CAN (and have done) is weird enough.

Do any of you get followed around?  Talk to ghosts?  Feel threatened?  SEE I'm wavering on this because it really, really makes me sound loopier than I already do.


  1. My creep out is going down to the basement to feed my cats each morning and every now & then finding the door on bathroom down there closed. We built that bathroom and no one except my late husband has ever used it. If one or more of my cats went in and managed to close and latch the door they'd be stuck in there because it swings inward. My ghost buster associates tell me this is a sign that Mike is still here and needs to tell me something...and yeah, lots of times, I feel like I'm being watched in the house. Often when I turn to look the dogs are sitting there looking up as if they see someone I don't see. The ghost busters say animals and children see more than the rest of us b/c they're more open to the unexplained. We adults have to have a rational scientific explanation for everything.
    If you feel the knocking is someone who wants in that may be it. They want in to tell you something. Something important. Try asking them out loud what they want.
    Hugs loopy mulderfan

    1. Mulder - it's amazing to me how when I started talking about this stuff, so many of us have stepped forward and said 'yep, that stuff happens to me too' - maybe the club we belong to is weirder and deeper than we thought.

  2. There's a saying - I don't know who to attribute it to, but I like it. "You're not going crazy; you're just waking up." I haven't had the experience of feeling like I'm followed, but there has been a LOT of serendipity (or something similar). I HAVE had the knocking happen to me - it happened throughout my childhood, until I moved out of my parents' house, and it's happened once as an adult. I felt (and still feel) like this was something trying to get my attention. Some schools of thought believe the sounds that happen between wake and sleep are from traveling in lower realms during sleep and accessing negative past life energies. Severe trauma in any part of life can cause parts of one's soul to fragment and become separated, which can leave holes and weaknesses in a person's energy field until those parts of the soul are brought back. The holes and weaknesses attract energies and entities that are not for that person's highest good. Are there any Shamanic practitioners available in your area? This wouldn't be helpful as to the following you and your family are experiencing, but it might help healing begin.

  3. Oh, when I'm very upset or pissed off, my energy field effs up machines and electronics, and then it seems like I pick up lots of heavy energy and entities, which I have to clear. I really didn't experience this during the time I was on full-dose antidepressants (10+ years), but since I've been weaning off antidepressants, this has been an issue again. Things that I felt before I'm feeling again. My oldest son has the same problem with electrical things, like street lights going out when he's under them. Both my kids pick up on what people are thinking or feeling.

    1. Holy crap to the street light thing! Happens to me all the time, Bess. There's a streetlight near my house that goes off when I go out the front door and also happens when I'm driving. When I check my rear view mirror and the light goes back on after I pass.
      I used to think it was because I was a boozer but I haven't had a drink in 5 years and 7 months but it still happens. Maybe it's my magnetic personality!
      I hear a tapping like Morse code when I take out my hearing aids. Over and over the same taps so I looked up what it meant and got the word "equal"...WTF?
      My ghost buster buddies have offered to come in and "do" my house but I'd have to clear out pets and all for 24 hours.
      I do see a man but he is not my late husband. He walks across my kitchen, pauses to look down at me in the family room and walks right through the closed French door into my dining room. The dogs and cats often go to the door and look through it with their heads tilted back like they're looking up at someone.Wanna get totally creeped? My neighbour across the street has seen a guy with the same description leaning on my garage door at night! I hadn't told him about my visitor when he told me this.

    2. Have you seen spirits your whole life?

    3. Feel them more often than see them. Sometimes feel them and dream about them later.
      I made a call for the Heritage Committee to an old log meeting house and felt them big time. The lady who owned the place told me she felt like she was being watched. That night, I dreamed about a woman & child watching her. The ghost busters ended up spending over a year working in that building and wrote a book about it b/c it was THE most haunted place they'd ever worked. Yes, my lady was there looking exactly as she had in my dream. The GBs finally left the place alone when two of the male spirits threatened to burn it down if they didn't.
      The GBs want me to train as a psychic b/c I have sent them to a couple of great locations where I sensed but never saw anything. I refused b/c I'm afraid of what I'll find out.
      How about this theory? People like us were raised by some kind a genetic mutations/aliens. Think about it. What kind of human sets out to literally destroy their own off-spring other than people who are completely bat-shit crazy or missing some important gene? In my parents' case they produced two male offspring that were exactly like them. One, fortunately had no children but the other set about to destroy his kids mentally and physically.
      My parents convinced me and outsiders that I was nuts JUST LIKE my mother's younger sister AND my maternal grandfather. Maybe there's a reason we didn't succumb and become one of them. Maybe some force protects us. (No I don't believe in God!)

  4. Bess, I cannot thank you enough for that response. I feel so ridiculous actually TELLING people this stuff because it makes me sound so paranoid but it's people like you who let me know that others feel it too.

    Most of the shamanic healers in the San Diego area are charlatans and snake oil salesmen. I'm doing quite a bit of research myself and have found a couple books. I've learned how to further enchant my home for protection and it seems to be helping. The knocking and the weird psychic threatening attacks feel well, threatening to me, not at all friendly. There is so much more, and all ALL of it has to do with crap like being followed around and spied on which makes me sound so damned paranoid and needing medication but in reality... I mean, when someone as grounded as Jeff is finally tells me 'wow - weird shit just happens when I'm with you' - you know it's big and bleeding out the lines into the rest of your life...

  5. I went on anti-depressants because I thought I was losing my mind. (Now, truly, it's possible that I would have let my parents drive me batshit crazy, which adds another layer of heavy to this stuff.) As it turns out, I was mostly fighting everything I sensed because other people would have thought I was crazy, and I put a lot more faith in what other people thought than what I thought. I know the fear of being judged; now I quietly temper it with the knowledge that no one person REALLY knows the meaning of the things people experience, especially the people who insist that they know. The less you know, the more you know...:)

  6. From Mulder's comment above: "How about this theory? People like us were raised by some kind a genetic mutations/aliens." <--oh my shitting god. That is exactly what I think. Maybe not aliens like one would think of the little grey men - I mean a pure evil energy that needs a host. Our parents. Jeffrey Dahlmer. Jim Jones. You read what people say when they get near these people and usually you hear 'pure evil'

    And I think this negative energy needs to feed on fear. ENTER OUR PARENTS. It's a fucking fear fest from day one. I'm going to explore this topic in another post but Mulder thank you for saying that. I was dancing around the hem-haw bush with that because man, it's just SO OUT THERE.

    But I absolutely believe these people are not human. And (tin foil hat time) I believe our government has been fucking around with all this crap for a long time. LSD was a secret experiment at first. Please read this link (it's a wiki link, I know, but it will get you introduced to MKUltra and what I think was happening with my mother.

    1. Good to have it out there. Something has to be seriously wrong with people that don't have the basic primal instincts, of all animals, like wanting to protect their own offspring. Of course, mine had to find each other! There's another unanswered question. Why/How are these types drawn toward mating with their own kind? They are either peas in a pod that, like my folks, use different tactics to achieve the same end or they manage to hook up with an enabler.

  7. My father was in the military for less than 3 months, discharged before he completed basic training. I assumed he didn't pass a psychological test - maybe he WAS the psychological test...