Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Sweet Evil

I'm retarded. 

OH, close your comment window, I mean that in the classic sense - (Retarded comes from the Latin retardare, "to make slow, delay, keep back, or hinder," so mental retardation means the same as mentally delayed. The term was recorded in 1426 as a "fact or action of making slower in movement or time." The first record of retarded in relation to being mentally slow was in 1895. The term retarded was used to replace terms like idiot, moron, and imbecile ...)  Whut I mean is, I AM SLOW.

So, I was feeling like crap.  Like run-over-a-few-times roadkill.  Here are the facts:
  1. We hit the road in March and were displaced peoples for about a month.  I drank truck stop coffee (SO GOOD) and ate Subway sandwiches and drank COKES.  Because I am trying not to ingest chemicals, so aspartame vs. HFCS (high fructose corn syrup) I chose the HFCS.  It was a delicious thing.  Many many carbs were consumed.
  2. We got to San Diego and there was much rejoicing by our family and friends.  Many dinners out were had.  Lots of taqueria burritos and enchiladas and restaurant meals were scarfed down.  I gave in to temptation and had some cocktails (in my defense, not many!  but, SOME).  Cocktails = SUGAR.  Carbohydrates = sugar!  Plus more cokes because hey, delish new DRINK!  Tastes so much better than the diet stuff!  Many many carbs were consumed.
  3. Truck stop coffee gave way to home made coffee but I was putting more and more sugar in it (DELISH!  what IS this new fangled ingredient?).  Many many ETC.
  4. I have been high on sugar (and too many carbs) for over a month and I feel like CRAP.
I'm not a candy/sweets eater.  I will have a cookie after dinner or a piece of brownie maybe.  But I never eat candy bars or any of that crap.  why?  I dunno.  All my life, even as a little kid, candy bars have made me sorta sick to my stomach, and they make my mouth hurt HELLO CLUE, see?  I'm retarded.  Reeses is my FAVORITE candy, and just thinking about eating one makes my mouth hurt and my stomach ache.

Fruit makes my mouth hurt.  Especially pineapple.  But also:  honeydew or cantaloupe (but not watermelon), bananas (especially if they are too green), kiwi, strawberries, ETCETERA.  Hello clue!  It all makes my mouth feel like I've been chewing on particularly sting-y bees.  TINGLY!  but, not in a good way...

Full sugar cokes make my mouth HURT.  My gums and teeth absolutely ACHE.  Jeebus, hello CLUE.

Good grief, how can you NOT think I need a helmet and a short bus at this point?

This is the biggest reason alcohol makes me so sick even if I drink only one (not to diminish the fact that I'm and ALCOHOLIC and all that trivial stuff, har) but even ONE drink makes me feel horrific the next day.  This is due to the two-fisted whammy of the tonic water (tons of SUGAR) and the fact that my liver processes glycogen (blood sugar) badly and stops altogether when I add alcohol to it.

So, aside from the fact that I had coffee this morning (SUGAR) I am going to try and stay completely away from the crap I know hurts me (sugar and carbs) and see how I feel.  More protein, less crap.  Exercise YES.

We will all pretend to be SO SURPRISED when I start feeling great in a few days, OK?


  1. This boozer replaced rye and ginger with sweets and I think I've just switched to another addictive substance. So far, no luck twelve stepping the sugar! I'm looking to start "Fatties Anonymous".

    At least Q still loves me!

  2. That I do MF, that I do. You want slow on the uptake? I used cans of spray paint for years and hated it and always switched back to brushes out of a can. But I hated the brush strokes even though using a spray can always made the tip of my index finger get covered in paint and it drip like a bitch until one day I realized I was holding my finger too far over the paint spray exiting the can. Holding my finger there was the only way I could paint for a long duration without my finger falling asleep and making an even bigger mess. So i moved my finger to a spot more centered over the button and gutted out any discomfort. True story's that for retarded?

  3. I've already told the story of my (toilet)paper Trail of Tears in the very nice, expensive restaurant. Thank gawd I don't live any where near that state anymore.
    Sugar and I don't get along at all. I can't eat a donut for breakfast or I'll be in the bathroom/in a coma 30 min. later. I love chocolate (Dove chocolates, anyone?), Death By Chocolate cake etc. but it doesn't return the favor-same response.
    Give me a bag of regular ripple potato chips and I'm a happy snacker. I also like cheese and yogurt for snacks, but lately I've developed a worsening lactose intolerance that's making those two options down right painful and also involves the bathroom. (The 20 sec. projectile shit with the 30 min. clean-up.) If ya'll have any suggestions (Gladys, Bess, you seem to know a lot about supplements etc.) please share. I'd really appreciate some ideas about how to manage this OTC. It's getting to the point I have to drink my AM coffee black and I don't like not being able to put a little milk/creamer in there. Many thanks!