Grain (and glucose) free diet crap update

Still working the no grains diet.  It is STILL about the best thing I have ever done for myself.

For anybody finding this by searching grain free, gluten free, paleo diet, zero carb diet - here are my factoids.  For the rest of you, go read this instead.

I started zero-carb eating on June 19th of 2013.  As of August 5th of 2013, I had already lost 25 pounds.  2 months, 25 pounds.  By simply cutting out grains.  This was my progress picture in August.  (Before pic is from prior year but I remained the same gigantic tub of fat for the entire year - scales don't lie.)

I've lost another 10 pounds since then.  As of today, I have lost 35 pounds.  I went from 185 pounds down to 150 pounds, from a size 16 to an 8/10.  By removing all grains from my diet.  My weight-loss slowed down in September, because I relaxed my vise-like grip on ALL THE FOOD - and I let myself have French fries, or rice along with my bacon cheese burgers.  I ate a bean burrito (or twelve).  I managed to prove to myself that I could maintain my weight-loss and still have SOME carbs.  But I am not satisfied with my weight yet, so I decided to crack down and get down to 145 pounds.  Reason?  ha, not vanity.  Or not ALL vanity.  I've had a front-row seat to watching my husband's parents' health take a nosedive - all of it exacerbated by their refusal to lift a finger nutritionally to help themselves.  I'm 5 pounds away from that goal.

ALSO - more to the point - when I started allowing even those few types of carbs into my diet, I noticed an immediate uptick in the following:
Rash - uncontrollable itchy skin, again.  In my elbow crease, on my back, on my stomach - it's horrifying.  Not alleviated by cortisone lotions or anything - only by clearing out the glucose in my system.
Insomnia - it's bad at the best of times.  With grains/glucose it's insurmountable, even with Ambien.
Gout - which can be caused by a fructose intolerance.  Also the foods that are typically thought to cause gout (raising your purine levels) have been proven to not necessarily cause it - red meat does not cause gout.  Neither does fat.  It's an inflammatory reaction in your system to something that your body hates and is allergic to.  In ME, high-fructose-corn-syrup (HFCS) is the cause of my gout - it is the absolute devil, it is evil, and I am very careful about allowing it in my system.
Depression - what carbohydrates do to my brain is not funny.  They function as fake dopamine and serotonin, for a small time.  Then they crash you into depression.  If you are prone to depression and you are fat, there is a reason.  The SAD (standard American diet) is BULLSHIT.  And it is killing you totally dead.

I refuse to be SICK when all I have to do is stop ingesting certain 'foods'.  I put 'foods' in quotes because grains are completely horrific for some people.  Carbohydrates are what cause obesity and diabetes - not fat or doughnuts or candy. 

Here I am just the other day:

 

I cut off my head because nobody needs to be subjected to my morning hair.  I am STILL 5'4", and 150 pounds.  I am still far to overweight to be called 'healthy' - yeah, the picture looks great but why do you think I chose THAT one?  I still have 2 chins, I still have a fat belly, my back fat still swells up around my bra straps.  But hey-yo - 35 mother freaking pounds, right?

 

Please - if you have realized that you may need to quit grains - if you have researched and come to the conclusion that a carb-free diet may be for you, if you are mostly BELLY fat and cannot lose it, please clicky the links in the linked entry.

 

ALSO - if you are researching depression, hormones, menopause - well, email me and I will send you some info, and some links.  I will direct you to places to DO YOUR OWN RESEARCH.  YOU can figure your way out of the hell you're in - your doctor most emphatically WILL NOT. 

 

Losing weight hasn't made my husband love me more (he adores me as I am! *snort*) (ack shoo lee, he does.) It hasn't made men flirt with me (I'm still 53 years old).  It hasn't made me richer.  Or any of that crap.  But the research I did on how my body reacts to certain foods and the subsequent changes I made in my diet has helped my HORRIFIC depression.  It helped me discover which anti-depressant would work for me, which I then demanded from my doc, which has since been MIND BLOWINGLY FANTASTIC for me.  Losing weight has helped my knees.  Eating this way means my skin doesn't itch.  My sinuses don't drip.  I never fart anymore.  On that subject - no, eating a mostly all meat diet will NOT make you poop all the time.  And it does NOT cause constipation.  Just FYI - veggies have all the fiber you need.  And your body uses almost ALL of the nutrients in the food you do eat, so waste production is minimal.  Energy wise - I wake up at about 6:00 am and actually get out of bed.  I'm able to walk 5 miles, 4 or more times a week - which helps weight loss AND dopamine production.  I'm able to be around (some) people and not want to claw my own brain out. 

 

YOU are the only cure for your health problems.  The internet is a valuable, gigantic tool.  USE IT.

 

Go here:

 

My entry with more details:  http://mypostcardsfrompurgatory.blogspot.com/2013/09/3-month-report-yes-more-diet-crap-shut.html

 

Scroll to the bottom of that entry, all the links are there.  It's worth it.  I wish I had started 10 years ago when menopause and depression started in on me.

3 month report (yes more diet crap shut up)

What's changed since June 20, 2013:

• 30 pounds lighter.
• 25 inches lost on my body.
• Down 3 sizes.  Started at a 16 - I can wear a 10 now, and depending on the manufacturer, I can get into an 8.
• Plantar Fasciitis is gone.
• Not one sinus problem - and I had chronic sinus infections.  I don't even remember where my neti pot is.
• Smoother skin
• TMJ is disappearing
• No gout pain.  No arthritis pain.  NO JOINT PAIN
• Depression is completely just fucking GONE (still taking Wellbutrin, but I'm going to begin weaning off of it)
• Mood is good.  Like, I'm in a good mood all the time.  I still spend a lot of time alone, my basic personality hasn't changed, but I'm happy.  ??  Feels weird to say that.
• My taste buds - wow.  Everything tastes like FOOD.  Butter tastes like heaven.
• I'm not TIRED all day.  I get sleepy and tired like at night, when you're s'posed to.  But I'm not saying "waaah I'm tiiiired" all the fucking time.
• I love exercise.  <--who says that, right?  But, seriously.  When I start walking, I start smiling.  I walk 4 or 5 miles a day and just DIG IT.
• No hypoglycemic episodes this entire time.  Do you know what it feels like to have one of these attacks?  It's so mind-blowingly awful - I ate every 2 or 3 hours just to keep them at bay!  These days?  I eat twice a day, sometimes my first meal isn't until 1:00 PM.  AND NO ATTACKS.  jeebus.
• I do NOT count calories.  Or track points.  Or weigh anything.  Food is EASY and uncomplicated.

Me on Coronado island, I forced Jeff to rent bikes and HAVE FUN DAMMIT

I don't feel like an old lady anymore.  My brain feels sharper - I'm thinking clearly.  I'm able to be around people and not want to kill them dead (well, not as often.  Say, maybe only every OTHER minute.)  I laugh more.  I'm not swollen and puffy and out of breath.

I feel FINE.  fine?  what is that?  Do you remember the last time you had no aches and pains?  because for ME, these days, when something hurts, it's a 'hey wait a minute!' thing, not just part of the chorus of painful parts in the background.

Your joint pain will get so much better you wont be able to believe it.  TWO WEEKS IN and I had no knee or hip or knuckle pain (unless I tried running upstairs, HAR like I would do that, but old knees is old knees, no matter what).

Hypoglycemia vs. Regular Hunger:  Who knew that being hungry wasn't a fucking EMERGENCY!!?  All of my life, when I got hungry, it was this panic inducing thing.  Hypoglycemia makes you feel wicked weird, panicky, light headed, unable to think, can't move - it's just horrible.  I knew to eat breakfast and keep food in the car/my purses.  Granola bars, protein of some kind, peanuts, something.  ANYTHING.

NOW?

My insulin never spikes.  So it never crashes.  My insulin levels stay the same, all day.  I can now go HOURS without even thinking about eating.  And when I DO get hungry, it's a little 'hey, food would be good soon' feeling.  This is the hugest thing - I wish I could make everyone understand.  It was so horrible, that feeling.  I haven't felt like that ONE TIME since starting eating like this.

Again:  I don't think of this as a diet.  And I hate that whole 'way of life' thing too.  I also hate 'nothing tastes as good as skinny feels' or any of those weight loss platitudes.  The weight loss is secondary to my body being healed.  I am deathly allergic to grains and sugars.  Removing that stuff has done the above positive things to my body.  When I say 'deathly allergic' I don't mean instant anaphylactic shock stuff - I mean I WAS DYING.  Inflammation and a crashing hormone system (adrenals, cortisol, insulin, estrogen, all of it) was absolutely slowly sending me to my grave. 

I was miserable.  For 8 years, I have been miserable.  I'M NOT MISERABLE NOW.

One of my points above:  I do NOT count calories.  Or track points.  Or weigh anything.  Food is EASY and uncomplicated.  Food is just that, it's food.  I eat when i'm hungry and don't eat if I'm not hungry.  It took a while to get to the point where my body could tell me what it needed.  I just had to get all the other noise out of the way so that I could listen.  And hear.

What do I eat?  People ask me that all the time.  "I could never give up bread!" well, fuck yeah you can when you realize how shitty it makes you feel.  "I could never give up pasta!" ditto.  I do not feel deprived because that stuff makes me feel horrible if I have one serving of it.  The only carb I have been able to add back in is white rice.  White rice (not freaking WHOLE GRAIN) doesn't affect your glucose hardly at all.  I only ate like 1/4 cup of it mixed with chicken, and I did ok.  But I only had it once - just to see if I had a reaction to it.  I feel fine and FULL without it, I don't need the empty calories.  SO - back to the question, what do I eat?

I've listed this before, but I'll do it here too so you will see.  Around 1:00 PM when I get hungry, I will make a hamburger patty.  I fry it in Kerrygold grassfed BUTTER <--(oh my god!  butter!  yeah, fat doesn't make you fat)  I mean, a little bit of butter.  A tsp, not a stick.  Possibly add some cheese, but not always.  OR, I cut up some leftover steak (there is always leftover steak now) and sauté that in (a little bit of) butter, dump that into a bowl, then fry a couple eggs over-easy and put that on top of the steak pieces and nom the hell outa that.  Some avocado on top of both of those things and *bam* it's great.  I eat a little bit of Trader Joe's organic ketchup - TJs also has this wasabi mayo that I mix with the ketchup for a bitey thousand-island type thing.  But it's a minimal amount of that sauce stuff.

For dinner we have steak and a veggie, asparagus or something.  A burger patty (Jeff has two) and some avocado.  If he wants potato, he has it.  He's LOVING this eating thing.  He's lost about 20 pounds and still drinks beer every freaking day.  He doesn't miss the bread either. (until a pizza commercial or Man Vs. Food comes on, then he cries softly to himself while I scream NO CARBS FOR YOU!)

 

I HAVE A NECK!

 

Know what?  I don't really think about it.  I don't look for recipes and try and find interesting things to make, because 1. meat is delicious, and 2. food is just fuel.  It isn't a big party, it isn't a big deal, it's just fucking FOOD.  My life doesn't revolve around food anymore.  I don't really CARE anymore, lol!  It's like looking at a mirror with fat lines of cocaine on it.  I know how that is going to make me feel if I ingest it, I don't want to feel like that, so I'LL PASS.

If we are eating out, I will get a burger no bun.  restaurants are so used to that request they don't even blink.  Or I get the sashimi appetizer (here in San Diego you can pretty much always get raw fish).  Or I get carne asada with no tortillas or beans/rice.  (I then eat all the guacamole GET BACK OFFA MY AVO).  Salmon and zucchini.  I don't worry at restaurants if it's PRIMAL like no canola oil, blah blah I don't want my food to be complicated, it's ONE meal, just gimme the burger and don't tell me what cow it came from.  I don't want to be THAT person at the dinner table, you know?

When people hear I eat red meat and fat and no grain fiber, they get all weirded out and 'cholesterol!!' and 'blood pressure!!' and 'FAT!!" and people.  NO.

• Fat does not make you fat.  (carbohydrates and insulin make you fat) Your brain NEEDS FAT.  Good fat - like butter and avocado.
• Meat does not raise cholesterol.  Neither do eggs.
• Fiber doesn't help you poop or any of that. (do you want to read how that started?  http://psychcentral.com/lib/do-kelloggs-corn-flakes-help-control-masturbation/0001043 or here, http://theholyprepuce.tumblr.com/post/5971765336/kelloggs-corn-flakes-originally-developed-to  TO KEEP BOYS FROM MASTURBATING.  Also, he had an unholy (har) fixation with things in your butt.)
• Glucose can be VERY BAD for you. 
• Wheat is an abomination and you should stop eating it right now I mean it.

OK so - if you read this far - I stopped researching narcs and also religion and jesus and stuff, and turned my big fat brain toward researching carbs and brain health and hypoglycemia and menopause weight loss and depression - and it all led to the place where I've been leading YOU.  Grains are bad.  Glucose is bad in large quantities.

Just try it.  Here's the books again - it's that important to get people to read them.  yeah, now I'm pointing you toward books but I didn't buy them at first!  I read and read on teh interwebz.  But some people want books, I know I do - so here.  These.

The Primal Blueprint.  I also highly recommend his website.  Here are the success stories.  I don't buy anything else from the site, in fact I got (downloaded) the book from B&N.  I am mostly primal now - so are my dogs (Thank you TW!!)
Wheat Belly - explains why you have a giant pot belly and why.
Why we get fat - another great science-y book about insulin and carbs

Yeah, we've been told all of our lives to believe the government food pyramid.  The government also tells you that you MUST get a mammogram.  That you MUST get flu shots.  Our government tells you a lot of things that I think are bullshit.  (I wouldn't get a flu shot on a bet, but you go ahead if you want to) What is that old saying?  FOLLOW THE MONEY.  The food pyramid is a scam, plain and simple.  It's false, it's making you sick, and making you fat.  You are smart - find out for yourself.

GAWD I know I'm all preachy.  But to me this is better than researching narcissism.  For now.  It makes me feel like I'm doing something GOOD for myself, instead of looking for answers to my child abuse.

Eat Whole Foods.  Stop eating food from a box or a can.  Stop eating anything with more than one ingredient in it.  Like, eat MEAT.  Eat CARROTS.  Don't eat chemicals.  Please, just try it...?

Not dead yet

Still here, reading y'all behind the scenes and just taking a break.  It's been nice.

I've been reading and researching and RESEARCHING the whole wheat thing.  Wheat and sugar.  And all I can say is, if you think it might help, give up wheat and sugar for let's say 2 weeks.  And see.

I know maybe it sounds all airy-fairy or hocus-pocus - but honestly, you aren't ADDING something.  Just taking something OUT for a while.  If it doesn't help, you can always go have a sammich or fix a box of mac & cheese.

I've become sort of fanatical about how incredible this has made me feel.  I went on a 7.5 mile bike ride yesterday!!  This from someone who had to struggle last summer to get off the couch.  Although, I was in Maryland and the humidity almost killed me...  but I was riding 7 miles every other day last summer.  AND hitting the driving range on the between days!  And I couldn't feel better, I still had to force myself outside, I was still achy and fat. 

From what I'm reading, wheat has the special ability to really hurt you.  It's been horribly genetically modified from our 'amber waves of grain' into 3 foot stubby stalks of hybrid 'fiber'.  The SAD (standard American diet) has been recommending high fiber/low fat for how long now?  And all of us are chugging along, TRYING to lose weight by eating fiber bars and frozen diet meals and multi-grain sandwiches and munching on wheat thin crackers and low fat cottage cheese and it did not work for me, what about you?  How is that diet going?

I remember writing a post about how I couldn't lose weight on a 1200 calorie a day diet and I was SO PISSED!  Here, it's right here and jeebus.  I have been trying to lose this weight following the advice of doctors and magazines and BULLSHIT for - well, since 2006 at least!

I WEIGH LESS THAN I HAVE SINCE 2006

I had STRUGGLED to get this thin, this was my step-daughter's wedding, 2009.  I was about 160 pounds here.

 

And it started fucking falling off of me when I quit eating wheat.  Now, granted, I quit eating sugar too.  Here is a list of what I don't eat:

sugar
sucrose
fructose
high fructose corn syrup
corn
potatoes
wheat
any grains whatsoever
no fruit whatsoever.  NONE.
pasta
rice
crackers/pretzels/bruschetta
beans
peanuts
canola oil (rapeseed oil, it's HORRIFYING)

Here's what I DO eat
meat
steak
ribs
butter
olive oil
avocados
eggs (sometimes 4 a day)
chicken
sashimi (raw fish uh mah gah so delicious)
bacon
bacon cheeseburgers (sans bun)
all veggies, sometimes raw, sometimes sautéed in butter/olive oil

Here's what has improved:
weight:  down 29 pounds since June 20, 2013.  just under 30 pounds in 2 months.
inches:  25.5 inches lost over my body.  TWENTY FIVE AND A HALF.
JEFF has lost 22 pounds by proxy - he eats what I eat, lol.  And he drinks beer every single day (carbs)
I sleep
My energy is KAPOW
I don't HURT in my joints
no gout attacks
sex drive is back (Jeff nods vigorously)
Memory is back
Give-a Crap is back
Happy IS BACK
Hardly ever hungry. 
Hypoglycemic attacks GONE

Look.  Like I said.  Just try it.  All you're doing is removing something from your diet.  I'm not saying to take a supplement, or a pill, or buy a book or join a cult.  And it's easier than you think.

Jeff and I in 2002

Jeff and I in 2011

 

The difference in the two pictures above is fucking horrifying.  I was so healthy and happy in the first one.  I remember that second picture - in Sweden.  I felt like crap, I was SO FAT and ugh.  I wanted to FEEL healthy again, besides the vanity of wanting to be smaller.

December 2012 - no smaller even though I'd been trying like hell

READ.  read read read.  I've given you links, I will give you more.  YOU decide.  But it seems to me that the link between Monsanto and big agriculture and the US Govt food pyramid and obesity in this country and the rise of things like celiacs and asthma and skin rashes and inflammation, and rheumatoid arthritis, and PCOS and thyroid issues and hormone imbalance and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome - it all seems so fucking fishy to me.

I worked in the clinical trials industry.  I'VE heard first hand stories about all this crap.  And I can't imagine that taking more chemicals in the form of "medicine" is the way to go, when it would be so much easier to just TRY and remove a substance from our diets.

Do you know what causes diabetes?  Yes, insulin imbalance.  What spikes insulin?  Glucose.  What turns to glucose in your system the fastest?  WHEAT.  What doesn't spike insulin?  Protein.  http://www.marksdailyapple.com/diabetes/#axzz2dTwYv6ke

http://www.nffc.net/Issues/Corporate%20Control/USDA%20INC.pdf <-- PDF

http://www.marksdailyapple.com/definitive-guide-grains/#axzz2dTaUhwX1

http://www.marksdailyapple.com/simple-complex-carbohydrates/#axzz2dTaUhwX1

(three of the above links take you to MDA, but the articles link outside sources and I am not going to reinvent the wheel.  That Mark Sisson guy is pretty smart.  he also has a lot of detractors on the net - please do your own research)

http://www.wheatbellyblog.com/ I have his book.  It's written sort of badly, but his links are good and the info on the blog is good.  I just find the book sort of juvenile.

http://www.organicconsumers.org/monsanto/ - Monsanto has to be one of the most horrifying corporations I have ever heard of.  Did you know that any farmer who is government subsidized (which ones aren't?  ORGANIC FARMERS) are contracted to buy their seeds through Monsanto or another same-type organization?  The seeds these companies provide will not propagate.  Which means a farmer cannot harvest their own seeds for the next growing cycle.  They HAVE TO BUY more seeds from the same company, or lose the subsidy (losing the farm, so to speak).  Monsanto has genetically engineered the seeds to not reproduce.  They can come and take a DNA sample of the crop and see if the plant was grown from a Monsanto seed.  Wheat, corn, soy - HAHAHA you thought soy was the new protein??  It's all GMO and kind of a frankenplant.  And not good for you.  Remember how Pa Ingalls would buy seeds?  Or any story from that time, there was a 'seed man' coming around in a wagon, selling corn or wheat seeds?  Now it's Monsanto.  The same people who bring you Round Up poison.

OH HEY - the wheat is also called 'Round Up Ready'!  Cos it's genetically modified to be able to be sprayed with Round Up for bugs and not die!  How convenient for the maker of the seed and also the spray. 

What about the school cafeteria menus?  government schools!  It's state run, remember, just like Russia.  Pizza.  Spaghetti.  Oh, just look it up, you can find your kid or grandkid's school menu online.

My own kid suffered HORRIBLY from asthma.  Like, Mike was in the urgent care just about every weekend.  He also has hideous dermatitis rash on his skin, and as a kid it was so bad.  I was poor.  We ate a lot of mac & cheese and spaghetti and rice and fish sticks and hot dogs and frozen veggies.  I had no idea.  regrets?  Yeah, I got 'em.

http://www.marksdailyapple.com/concentrated-animal-feeding-operations/#axzz2dTh8Ke5z  Again with the MDA website, but follow the links.  We all know how horrifying the animal industry is.  Now I am researching a grass-fed organic farm here in Temecula where I can buy chickens that actually eat bugs the way they are supposed to, that scratch and feed in the grass naturally.  Cows that eat fucking GRASS.  I'm also going to start my dogs on all protein, since dogs don't need fucking CORN (read the ingredients on your pet food).

I eat almost ALL protein.  I eat fat.  Real, grassfed butter.  Bacon (uncured).  I'm lucky that we have no kids at home anymore, so we can still spend the same on our food budget and get better stuff.  But just cutting out wheat is SIMPLE.  It costs LESS.  I am making a dr appt and I will post my numbers when I get them.  Like my cholesterol and blood pressure and all that - but I'll betcha a hundred bucks they all GO DOWN.  Yes, even while I'm eating eggs (the whole thing, Omega 3's baby!) and steak and (healthy) fats.

And you will eat less.  You will spend less because you will eat less.  Because you wont be hungry every 2 hours.  (however, you will cook more...)

158 pounds, August 22, 2013.

 

 

Behind the scenes

I've been sick and exhausted and fat for a long time - since a hysterectomy threw me into menopause about 8 years ago, I've been suffering.  The black hole of depression almost did me in.  For the last 5 years I've been searching and looking for a way out.

I went to doctors hoping for a diagnosis and a pill of some kind that would help.  Maybe hormones.  I also thought I had fibromyalgia or chronic fatigue symdrome.  TW put me onto the clue that my thyroid may be messed up.  But all my tests came back 'within normal ranges' and I didn't REALLY want to take any more chemicals anyway.  I was depressed and just felt sick and I ached and I was exhausted and it was ugly.

Before menopause I was always active, always fairly healthy (barring drugs and alcohol HA HA so not funny).  But I was always happy in my own skin. 

This is the picture I submitted to the online dating site where I met Jeff, it was 2002 and I was 145 pounds

 

Menopause threw every one of my systems into acute distress.  Hormones - yes yes, estrogen, testosterone, but ALSO insulin and adrenaline and thyroid function.  It all went south and I don't know if you've been there, but I could tell my body was fighting something.  I felt poisoned and just OFF.  I decided to tackle these issues from a nutritional standpoint.  Something I was putting into my body was killing me.  I researched the holy fuck out of my symptoms - not just on medical sites, but also on forums and personal blogs of people who had actually had the same symptoms and their data on repairing their bodies.  End-user data, my favorite kind.  Because I do not trust the FDA.

My research all led to the same place.  And, I just two months ago quit eating ALL forms of sugar.  ALL of it.  Anything that my body turns into glucose (besides vegetables).  I no longer eat bread.  Or pasta.  Or rice.  Or any kind of grains whatsoever.  No starches - no beans or corn or potatoes.

Within one week my body felt better.  I was sleeping better.  In a month I stopped having hot flashes.  My skin is better.  My eyes are brighter - my energy is through the roof.  I walk at least 2 miles a day, more often I do 3 or 4 miles a day. 

Changing what I was putting into my body has been transformative.  In two months I have done this:

No, it isn't difficult.  If you ate a tomato and that tomato gave you painful hives, you would have no problem not eating tomatoes again.  Sugar (glucose) causes unbearable inflammation in my system.  Grains/pasta cause stomach cramps, bloating and gas (you're welcome).  I eat protein and veggies.  I am at almost zero carbs per day, I would say less than 50 grams, and that includes ketchup and the 1/3 of a dark chocolate bar after dinner (what??). 

Jeff and I in Sweden, 2011 FAT FAT FAT

 

Jeff and I when we started dating, 2002 (big yards of beer)

 

It isn't just about the weight.  Let's face it - I'm 52 years old, I'm not going to be buying a bikini or trying out for a Real Housewives show.  I'll tell you what the best part is.  My body has stopped fighting itself.  I'm CALM.  My brain is MUCH calmer.  My depression is so lifted that I'm thinking of talking to my doc about weaning off the Welbutrin.  I'm not all bloated and inflamed and there are no more aches and pains (other than you know, bad knees and hips).  I'm not fucking exhausted all the time.

 



When I say I eat protein and veggies, ha - I'm not talking a boiled chicken breast and lettuce.  I eat sashimi.  Bacon cheeseburgers with no bun, but more avocado please.  Tri tip steak with asparagus or Brussels sprouts.  If we go out to dinner, I just ask for the steak & veggies, hold the tater.  I can't even begin to describe how I don't feel deprived.  Because starches/grains cause me so much distress, it's easy to not eat any of it.  I'm planning on going to brunch this weekend and getting eggs benedict.  Just, no bread.

If you want to research this for yourself, I can give you some starting links:
Mark Sisson's 'Definitive Guide to Grains'
The website the above link takes you to is CHOCK full of info.  But you must do your own research.  Use the search feature on that website, but also GTS! (Google that shit) - nobody can find your answer but YOU.
The book 'Wheatbelly' - grains are creepy stuff

If you are suffering, keep researching.  Keep looking.  My answer may not be YOUR answer.  Don't stop trying. 

Sweet Evil

I'm retarded. 

OH, close your comment window, I mean that in the classic sense - (Retarded comes from the Latin retardare, "to make slow, delay, keep back, or hinder," so mental retardation means the same as mentally delayed. The term was recorded in 1426 as a "fact or action of making slower in movement or time." The first record of retarded in relation to being mentally slow was in 1895. The term retarded was used to replace terms like idiot, moron, and imbecile ...)  Whut I mean is, I AM SLOW.

So, I was feeling like crap.  Like run-over-a-few-times roadkill.  Here are the facts:

1. We hit the road in March and were displaced peoples for about a month.  I drank truck stop coffee (SO GOOD) and ate Subway sandwiches and drank COKES.  Because I am trying not to ingest chemicals, so aspartame vs. HFCS (high fructose corn syrup) I chose the HFCS.  It was a delicious thing.  Many many carbs were consumed.
2. We got to San Diego and there was much rejoicing by our family and friends.  Many dinners out were had.  Lots of taqueria burritos and enchiladas and restaurant meals were scarfed down.  I gave in to temptation and had some cocktails (in my defense, not many!  but, SOME).  Cocktails = SUGAR.  Carbohydrates = sugar!  Plus more cokes because hey, delish new DRINK!  Tastes so much better than the diet stuff!  Many many carbs were consumed.
3. Truck stop coffee gave way to home made coffee but I was putting more and more sugar in it (DELISH!  what IS this new fangled ingredient?).  Many many ETC.
4. I have been high on sugar (and too many carbs) for over a month and I feel like CRAP.

I'm not a candy/sweets eater.  I will have a cookie after dinner or a piece of brownie maybe.  But I never eat candy bars or any of that crap.  why?  I dunno.  All my life, even as a little kid, candy bars have made me sorta sick to my stomach, and they make my mouth hurt HELLO CLUE, see?  I'm retarded.  Reeses is my FAVORITE candy, and just thinking about eating one makes my mouth hurt and my stomach ache.

Fruit makes my mouth hurt.  Especially pineapple.  But also:  honeydew or cantaloupe (but not watermelon), bananas (especially if they are too green), kiwi, strawberries, ETCETERA.  Hello clue!  It all makes my mouth feel like I've been chewing on particularly sting-y bees.  TINGLY!  but, not in a good way...

Full sugar cokes make my mouth HURT.  My gums and teeth absolutely ACHE.  Jeebus, hello CLUE.

Good grief, how can you NOT think I need a helmet and a short bus at this point?

This is the biggest reason alcohol makes me so sick even if I drink only one (not to diminish the fact that I'm and ALCOHOLIC and all that trivial stuff, har) but even ONE drink makes me feel horrific the next day.  This is due to the two-fisted whammy of the tonic water (tons of SUGAR) and the fact that my liver processes glycogen (blood sugar) badly and stops altogether when I add alcohol to it.

So, aside from the fact that I had coffee this morning (SUGAR) I am going to try and stay completely away from the crap I know hurts me (sugar and carbs) and see how I feel.  More protein, less crap.  Exercise YES.

We will all pretend to be SO SURPRISED when I start feeling great in a few days, OK?

The cave - depression, menopause, insomnia, and chemicals

A comment I made at Mulder's site got me thinking (*ow*).  I've never really talked about this anywhere - a couple people, and Jeff knows, but I just don't talk about it. 

I quit my job, with Jeff's blessing, and my last day was April 15th, 2011.  I haven't been employed since then.  I joke around about being a lady of leisure, about lying around eating bon bons, how great it is not to work.  And, by god, it IS great not to work.  But the reason I quit?  Depression.  And most people don't understand depression.

Depression had me choking in its sweaty fist for over 5 years.  And I had reached a breaking point by the time I quit my job.  The depression and resulting anxiety along with my natural inclination toward being weird had completely isolated me.  I was doing nothing at work, mostly the least I could do and keep my job, although I can screw off most of the time and then accomplish more in one day than most people do in a week.  (I used that ability until people started catching on to me.)  I had previously loved my job, but I could no longer see the point of anything.  I was making it, but then they changed everything, every program at work, and I had to take classes on top of changing my position and tasks, and I just couldn't do it.  I couldn't take one more step.

I had NO friends.  The Ever Patient France was the only person I really ever TRIED to see.  She would walk at this one lake with me and let me vent.  I was appalling.  I was negative and fat and upset and miserable and cranky.  I hated everything or I cried, but mostly I was in bed.  Completely not joking here - I was in bed for about 4 of those 5 years.  I would get into my PJs when I got home (4:00 in the afternoon) and stay put until I had to get up the next morning.  I worked from 7-3, or 8-4 - the ONE THING that saved my working ass that whole time was that I was NEVER late to work, because my hours were so flexible.  I started any time before 9:00 AM, and then left 8 hours later (I didn't take lunch).  So no matter what time I got there, if it was before 9 AM, I was good.  I would never have been able to make it otherwise.

Some nights I slept.  Most nights I didn't.  (Insomnia is a bitch that still has me cornered, but it's the last vestige of the whole thing.)  Insomnia - oh my jeebus, it is the worst thing in the world.  (okay, fine, cancer is worse whatever).  I would go sometimes 4 nights in a row without sleeping, and then have a nervous breakdown.  I really get just so bad if I can't sleep, and I usually can't sleep.

I was taking welbutrin and trazodone and then ambien and zanax.  I was taking an ambian AND a zanax every night just to sleep.  I kept right on drinking like a fish because I had always done so - all of those chemicals and my hormones made a delightful bouillabaisse in my system and um... it didn't help.  But I didn't know any better.

Menopause was what pushed me over the edge into that dark place.  I am chemically susceptible to depression - it runs in my family.  Our brains are predisposed to it.  I do not manufacture enough serotonin or dopamine for my brain to work right.  I know now that my dad was depressed and manic.  I recognize the signs (in hindsight - not that I give a fuck about what was wrong with him).  I have been medicated for it before, during bad times, and then managed to pry myself loose.  Exercise has been the only thing that ever kept me sane, but I never knew that.  I had no idea that trying to get skinny to catch another man was the reason I wasn't living in a box under a freeway.  But a lifetime of stress, the alcohol and drug abuse I subjected myself to, and then the chemical disaster of menopause pushed me into a hole that I eventually didn't even WANT to climb out of.  It was bad.  It almost ruined my marriage.  Mike's last couple of years at home were SO difficult.  (He was an asshole due to the surge in testosterone that happens to boys, and I had no patience due to [see above]).  His surge in testosterone coincided with my menopause, and that was a nuclear bomb looking for a Hiroshima Party Bar.  It's a testament to how great we are that we still managed to make each other laugh, and we were still pretty close and GOOD during that time.

But oh, it was a TRIAL, ask Mike, lord we had some fights.  (your fault shut up MIKE)

I tried - OH I TRIED.  I knew exercise was key for some reason, (hence the lake with The Ever Patient France) but getting THERE from the hole of depression (that sounds dirty) is just impossible.

I have posted before that doctors didn't even think I was in full blown menopause, but uh, you know your body, ya know?  My hormone levels were within normal ranges for the nation, but not necessarily normal for ME.  But things were very bad.  They wanted to put me on HRT, but something stopped me, even as bad as things were I just couldn't see putting that crap in my body.  PremPro (or whatever) is made from synthetic hormones (or they can't patent the compound!  Follow the money!) and also pregnant mare's urine I SAID HORSE PEE.  No, thankyaverymuch.

The job I had was working for a clinical trials management firm.  I did financial stuff, nothing to do with the drugs, but it taught me to research, and I had access to some pretty big brains.  And I am a HUGE advocate of being your own doctor.  I may only have a degree from University of Google, but 5 minutes of research saved my husband from having a pace maker put in (the doc switched medications instead, at my insistence, and lo and behold, the issue went away).  Researching HRT drugs caused me to recoil in disgust and I wasn't going to do that to myself.  Natural HRT is a great option, but it isn't covered by insurance (of course) and it isn't an exact science - I just didn't want to screw around with chemicals, even natural ones.  (Suzanne Sommers actually wrote a great book and did a huge amount of research into that, I recommend starting there if you're interested.)

I knew that I was chemically borked.  And now let me tell you a HUGE secret.  For about a year, way on back in 1996, I went and got myself hooked on crystal meth.  Yep.  You've all heard about how bad of a drug that is, but maybe you don't know what all is IN that Turkish Delight.  Looky.

• Muriatic Acid
• Acetone
• Methanol/Denatured Alcohol
• Red Devil Lye

• Lithium Hydride (Battery Acid)

• Ether
• Freon
• Anhydrous Ammonia
• Hydrochloric, Acetic and Sulfuric Acids
• Benzyl Chloride
• Lead, Mercuric Chloride
• Prozac
• Protease Inhibitors (HIV Meds)
• Ritalin
• Laxatives

The girl that gave me my first line to snort apologized to me for YEARS after.  I was 35 years old, just screwing around on my "off" weekends, and had no idea what chaos I had wrought.  It - well, one thing.  I'll tell you one thing it did.  It made me sweat.  Not so bad, right?  But, uh - did you see all the acidic things in that list?  It made me sweat acid.  To put it delicately, I STANK.  I was ALL THE TIME sweaty, since my body was trying to fight off this poison.  It made my breath stink.  Any place you can think of that you might possibly not want to smell like acid sweat *ahem*, did indeed smell and stink of acid sweat.  How's that for pretty?  I also only did it every other weekend, when Mike was at his dad's.  So, much like the binge drinking of later years, my body was UP and then down and it ruined so much more than you would think.  Por ejemple, it ruined my metabolism!  Sweet, right?  yeah.  That is one of the reasons I can starve myself 6-ways to sunday and never eat, and I never lose a pound.  I am now SUPER prone to sinus infections.  2-week long, knock you over SINUS infections.  Greaaat.  I'm schmaaaart.

Just like drinking, nothing bad (on the outside) happened to me.  There was no bad scene, no arrest, nobody found out about it, Mike never knew.  I was in (and truly hooked) and then got myself out (true grit) in a year.  But what it did to my already weak chemical make-up was horrific.  And I wouldn't even have a clue about that until menopause hit me.  (what it does to your teeth is no fucking joke.  I was SO LUCKY.)

Once I was sure that anti depressants and chemical HRT wasn't going to work for me, I researched the hell out of stuff to figure it out.  I have never told a doctor about my drug use, not out of shame, but those people at Kaiser don't give two rat's asses about any of that crap.  They want to fill your scrip and move on to the next patient.  So I had to do my own repairs.  I had to figure it out on my own.   I basically went to school on the interwebz.  It's been very enlightening.

Amphetamines ruin your dopamine situation.  That is a kindergarten way to put it, but other than I copy & paste a buncha scientific crap, it's the easiest way to put it.  I already either wasn't manufacturing enough dopamine, or my receptors weren't picking up what was being put down.  I squeezed every single drop of dopamine out of my cells using meth, and there just wasn't any more.  GONE. 

Dopamine is your 'feel good' chemical.  Its absence is one of the causes of depression.  Carbs produce a dopamine-like substance!  That is one of the reasons fat people stay fat - it literally FEELS GOOD to eat crap!  not just the sugar high, it's the dopamine effect.  It's a handy little chemical.  Too bad my body barely produces ANY. 

So there I was, a horrible walking chemical soup.  And I came to the only conclusion there was.  I wasn't processing the chemicals I already had in my system.  My body was already overwhelmed.  I needed to NOT add any more to the problem.  So I took away ALL added chemicals.  I started eating whole foods.  No more (or minimal) packaged foods.  I (mostly) only shop on the outer edges of the grocery store.

DO NOT THINK THAT MEANS I EAT HEALTHY.  I told myself, if I wanted it, I could have it.  I just had to make it myself.  Macaroni & cheese?  I learned how to make it.  Butter, flour, milk, viola! magic fatty fat.  Chocolate cake?  sure, just make it.  My rule was, I had to know each ingredient and be able to say it.  No more methylsilosylicathiacan-ish.  A frozen or boxed food had to have less than 3 ingredients on the side (peas:  frozen peas).  And uh.  it worked.

It's working.  I feel *whispering* good.  I'm UP and doing laundry and walking the dogs and taking care of our banking and business and WTF?  Who am I?  But its taken a couple years to fully detox.  I think that getting all the extra chemicals OUT left some room for the dopamine that I actually produce to be FOUND.  Like, the noise quieted down and now my cells can find the good stuff.  (I have to think in pictures, it's the way I understand things)

Stopping drinking was the second to last piece of the puzzle.  I miss drinking every single day.  But it isn't a craving so much as a habit...?  hard to explain, but Mulder said it very well, that 'what the hell am I going to do on a patio without a drink' feeling.  When I taste alcohol, I taste Drano.  It's weird, but I know that it poisons me.  It affects my sleep, my energy, my mood for a week at least.  I am only, in the last week, finally detoxed from Vegas.  That was almost a fucking MONTH ago.  Alcohol alters the chemicals in my (weak little hot-house flower) system and it knocks me off track for that damned long. 

The other thing I have to do is GET OUTSIDE.  Here's a real scientific theory for you:  Exercise creates endolphins that swim in my blood stream and eat the depression like Pac Man eats those dots!!  (Postcards from the Edge quote:  'I'm in it for the "endolphin" rush')  that's how I have to think of it, anyway.  Exercise creates dopamine and blah blah it helps.

The last piece for me, was finding out that I needed to actually add back in a couple of things.

1.  Magnesium.  I take at least 700mg of magnesium a day.  It's like calcium, not some wacky supplement.  It helps my sleep by a gabillion percent.  Your body wont absorb calcium without enough magnesium.  I also add Epsom salts (magnesium) to my baths (I love to soak in baths).  If your kids ever have 'growing pains' or after a long day walking or running, or they need to really relax, add Epsom salts to their baths.  Women in labor are given magnesium to slow down or stop contractions.  Do your own research, I'm no doctor.  This is working for me.  I STILL TAKE AN AMBIEN EVERY NIGHT.  I'm hoping to cut the dose down soon.  I no longer take a zanax tho.  (getting off zanax is no joke, I don't recommend doing it like a chump, like I did, and just stop taking it.  You will hallucinate.  It's bad.  See your doctor for advice on that, I'm not kidding, that was a bad night a few months ago.)

2.  Taurine - this is an amino acid that helps GABBA production in the brain, which helps stabilize mood and helps with anxiety.  My anxiety comes when I lie down and close my eyes, my brain goes off like a rocket.  This is helping with that.  Taurine is also found in drinks like Red Bull.  The energy you get from those drinks isn't caffeine, it's from the Taurine.  I think it's awesome, but I don't drink those drinks, I just take the pill form.  I don't like the way they taste.

This stuff IS helping, but it is slow going.  This stuff, whatever you supplement with, has to be absorbed into your body, then into your cells, and then it starts working from way deep inside you and you don't notice the effect for a few weeks.  I recommend first cutting out any chemicals that you possibly can.  Then only add ONE THING AT A TIME, and wait a couple weeks or a month to see if it works or not.  Or causes a rash or something.  Go easy on your body, even if you're healthy.  Especially if you aren't.

I had to do a ton of research to find those two things.  And I don't even take a multi vitamin.  Just those two things.  Please do your own research.  I prefer to read anecdotal evidence by people who are actually using medications, not clinical trial data from medical institutions, but you decide for yourself.  Information is power.

My POINT is.  Your body is this huge vat of chemicals that are supposed to work together.  And mine were already screwed up from genetics.  I screwed them up even more eating McDonald's and snorting lines of crap and drinking like a fish.  When you get old, as the saying goes, all your chickens come home to roost.  Mine came home in a big way.  If you suffer from depression, I feel your pain in the biggest, biggest way.  Eating whole foods and all can only help.  But it takes a while to detox from everything, and not everyone has the luxury of lying in bed waiting for results.  Most people have jobs and kids and expectations.  I AM SO LUCKY, I know it.

I wish someone had told me the SCIENCE behind why I didn't feel good back when I would have been able to do something long term and productive about it.  I can only spackle the holes at this point. 

Depression isn't something you can jolly your way out of.  It isn't a MOOD.  It's a real, debilitating chemical imbalance.  Sometimes brought on by situations, sometimes exacerbated by PMS or pregnancy/childbirth or menopause (men, sorry, I know you have it too).  If you've never suffered under the tyranny of depression, please don't judge.  Just, be like poor E.P. France.  Get your friend to go outside once in a while.

(P.S. to TW - I am going to go get my thyroid levels checked as soon as our new insurance kicks in.  :)

PEA ESS I made myself sound ugly.  So vanity dictates that I prove I don't look like those people on 'Intervention'

Last summer

Average Joe

Eleven days so far of the oh-nay inking-dray.  I made it through a weekend that included my birthday without getting ammered-hay.

 I don't feel icky.  I don't have any cravings or urges.  I ALSO don't feel all riled up LET'S DO THIS COUNT ALL THE DAYS!!

It's more the feeling after you have had a cold and then realize you feel ok and normal/regular again.  But the feeling normal?  Feels really good.  I'm not all high on the thought of quitting - you know how you get when you start a new diet?  Planning, counting, get a new notebook or excel spreadsheet to calculate every calorie in, every ounce out?  Yeah, not like that.  I actually had to look at a calendar to count how many days.

I HAVE experienced severe pressure from nice meaning folks who also drink OOOPS ink-dray.  When I say there is nothing to do around here but drink, I aint just whistling Dixie.  And these people are OUR kind of people.  All super smart (Government contractors in a field that specializes in ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ *snort* I always fall asleep during that part, I don't know what they do blah blah gubmint work) and broken and fun.  I've never had girlfriends before I moved here - they are fun and funny and we all don't get together very often because we are all loners, ha, my kind of friends.

ANYwhoozle:

We meet for happy hour and I'm more than fine with a diet coke or sometimes a tonic with cranberry.  I'm not tempted or triggered - I don't feel all pious or anything, I've just played that tape to the end and it doesn't work for me anymore.  But they get sort of - I dunno - offended?  They joke, but they pressure.  I finally had to say 'stop it' in a very firm voice.  They apologized. 

Eleven days in and I feel more um - awake?  Like my synapses are firing again.  Not all fast and hot, just like, I can remember to get olive oil at the grocery store now.  I've been sleeping well.  Of course, I've also been remembering to take my magnesium (if you can't sleep try magnesium it rocks the hizouse.)

I've been reading and researching narcissism for about a year now.  I only JUST started writing this blog.  And all of this was like (close your eyes this is a gross metaphor) squeezing a zit.  I feel like I'm getting the poison out.  Letting the steam out.  Pick your anology (anything but zit, what was I thinking).  But I don't feel like I need the noise anymore.

When I had it-quay inking-dray the last time, it was just before we moved here last January.  I had 6-months at that time.  But the thing is, I had quit because of finding out that I wasn't alone, I think - because of all y'alls blogs.  I didn't just suffer child abuse - there was a whole THING around what my parents were.  I didn't have to explain it to any of YOU - we all lived it (in varying degrees).  Which had made my poisoning myself rather passé.  (then I moved here and *glug*)

It's a weird place to be.  To be sort of healed.  Well, as I commented on Q's post, my cracks seem to be glued but not FIXED.  But it's closer than I've ever gotten before.  Just the knowing WHAT the mental aberation is sort of helped.  I don't have the same burden.  I'm not explaining this very well.

I don't feel the need to drink.  That is weird.  My baggage, while still there, feels lighter.  That is weird.  I'm not mentally berating myself for being different.  That is weird.  I'm throwing away all 87 pairs of jeans that don't fit me.  Wait - that's another blog topic.

I'm not making any promises, as they say in AA - one fucking day at a time.  But I'm also not counting days.  I don't want to feel anything but just average anymore.