Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Average Joe

Eleven days so far of the oh-nay inking-dray.  I made it through a weekend that included my birthday without getting ammered-hay.

 I don't feel icky.  I don't have any cravings or urges.  I ALSO don't feel all riled up LET'S DO THIS COUNT ALL THE DAYS!!

It's more the feeling after you have had a cold and then realize you feel ok and normal/regular again.  But the feeling normal?  Feels really good.  I'm not all high on the thought of quitting - you know how you get when you start a new diet?  Planning, counting, get a new notebook or excel spreadsheet to calculate every calorie in, every ounce out?  Yeah, not like that.  I actually had to look at a calendar to count how many days.

I HAVE experienced severe pressure from nice meaning folks who also drink OOOPS ink-dray.  When I say there is nothing to do around here but drink, I aint just whistling Dixie.  And these people are OUR kind of people.  All super smart (Government contractors in a field that specializes in ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ *snort* I always fall asleep during that part, I don't know what they do blah blah gubmint work) and broken and fun.  I've never had girlfriends before I moved here - they are fun and funny and we all don't get together very often because we are all loners, ha, my kind of friends.


We meet for happy hour and I'm more than fine with a diet coke or sometimes a tonic with cranberry.  I'm not tempted or triggered - I don't feel all pious or anything, I've just played that tape to the end and it doesn't work for me anymore.  But they get sort of - I dunno - offended?  They joke, but they pressure.  I finally had to say 'stop it' in a very firm voice.  They apologized. 

Eleven days in and I feel more um - awake?  Like my synapses are firing again.  Not all fast and hot, just like, I can remember to get olive oil at the grocery store now.  I've been sleeping well.  Of course, I've also been remembering to take my magnesium (if you can't sleep try magnesium it rocks the hizouse.)

I've been reading and researching narcissism for about a year now.  I only JUST started writing this blog.  And all of this was like (close your eyes this is a gross metaphor) squeezing a zit.  I feel like I'm getting the poison out.  Letting the steam out.  Pick your anology (anything but zit, what was I thinking).  But I don't feel like I need the noise anymore.

When I had it-quay inking-dray the last time, it was just before we moved here last January.  I had 6-months at that time.  But the thing is, I had quit because of finding out that I wasn't alone, I think - because of all y'alls blogs.  I didn't just suffer child abuse - there was a whole THING around what my parents were.  I didn't have to explain it to any of YOU - we all lived it (in varying degrees).  Which had made my poisoning myself rather passé.  (then I moved here and *glug*)

It's a weird place to be.  To be sort of healed.  Well, as I commented on Q's post, my cracks seem to be glued but not FIXED.  But it's closer than I've ever gotten before.  Just the knowing WHAT the mental aberation is sort of helped.  I don't have the same burden.  I'm not explaining this very well.

I don't feel the need to drink.  That is weird.  My baggage, while still there, feels lighter.  That is weird.  I'm not mentally berating myself for being different.  That is weird.  I'm throwing away all 87 pairs of jeans that don't fit me.  Wait - that's another blog topic.

I'm not making any promises, as they say in AA - one fucking day at a time.  But I'm also not counting days.  I don't want to feel anything but just average anymore.


  1. Be sure and mark the day you quit. If you join AA your anniversary date will be when you get your chips.

  2. Man you talk about some extended sobriety and you get
    cricket cricket cricket cricket cricket cricket

    1. SERIOUSLY. My roll-on (deoderant) must've rolled off.

  3. Aww, the "deoderant" is workin' fine! ;) (Things have been a bit busy here lately.)
    I did a LOT of drinking between ~18 to ~24. I'm not sure if it was age/stage related but I can say those were the years when all hell was really cutting loose with Psychob. Dad had secured the Divorce, had remarried a lovely lady, my S/M and I was absolutely NOT backing down on my resolve that I WOULD have a relationship with him (and S/M) whether Psychob "approved" or not. Of course she didn't and made my life hell as a result. But I was still living in my naive world of "Being Fair" and not "taking sides." I told her repeatedly they were BOTH my parents to which she'd rage back, "You're either WITH me or AGAINST me!"
    Wen Dad was getting married to S/M he invited me to the Wedding. In my stupidity/fairness/honesty I told Psychob about this from a phone in my Dorm Room; another of my attempts to continue my degree was under way-which she sabotaged every which way (of course) because I wasn't living with her/under her thumb. I still have a picture in my head of my 20 yr. old self, phone clamped to my ear by a cord, sitting in a snotting/sobbing my eyes out mess on the floor while she verbally abused the living crap out of me.
    It never OCCURRED to me to HANG UP THE DAMN PHONE. Ever. The price I paid for my honesty and integrity was assuaged by copious amounts of booze. It made the hurt hurt less, made it go away for awhile, eased the chronic anxiety ridden wreck of my "trying to do the RIGHT thing."
    I went to the Wedding. With a heavy heart. I compounded the "phone mess" of that conversation by saying, "But Mom! If you were getting married I'd go to your Wedding too!" OMG. WRONG, WRONG, WORSE YET comment to ever have made.
    The booze eventually took the backseat as soon as I took steps to keep as far away from her as possible. Including later, getting an unlisted phone number. My nails, which I had bitten down to bleeding along with well-picked cuticles started growing back without my even noticing. I no longer felt the need to drink either-certainly not the way I was. I felt better too-in every way.
    Finding you guys has been a joy to me as well. I see your truths all over your Blogs, all the feelings, all the CRAP I had lived with alone for years. Yeah, how DO you explain THIS? You all do it-beautifully. Thank you. I just wish you all had been around years ago: Maybe I wouldn't have been well on the way to destroying my liver by 25!

  4. Happy Birthday to you! mine was this week, too. And seriously, Congrats on your new You!

    Q's Sis

  5. That was a very cool comment you left on that post Gladys. Just so you know.
    One I can totally relate to.
    Hi sis.