Friday, December 21, 2012

Going Postal, or The Day Jesus Cleaned the Temple

So, kids, what in the hell happened to Jesus that he got beat up, kicked and punched, sliced open to the bone in 5 PLACES, and was strung up like a common criminal to die an agonizing LONG death on a cross?  I mean, you'd have to piss someone off pretty badly for that kind of punishment - what the fuck went down?

Well, let's find out!  I will give you quotes that I found all over the webz and then my interpretation based on absolutely no knowledge of biblical history at all.  Just common sense. (Ganked from a religious site, not some radical christian hate group) unless otherwise noted.

(Curtain opens, Jesus is on the steps of Herod's Temple, the major temple in Jerusalem, a-preachin' and carryin' on.  I'm going out on a limb and say that adult Jesus went every year to at LEAST the Passover festival.  He HAD gone with his parents every year up until he was 12, when he disappeared different story stay focused)

"Jerusalem was a pilgrimage site, indeed the pilgrimage center for Jews in the land of Israel and in the Diaspora. Three times a year—at Passover, Weeks/Pentecost and Tabernacles—Jews came in large numbers to worship at the Temple in the Holy City. The pilgrimage trade was a major industry in Jerusalem. The restoration and expansion of the Temple begun as part of Herod the Great's ambitious building program was likewise a major industry.  The pilgrimages brought many people to Jerusalem, and the themes of the great festivals, especially Passover with its commemoration of Israel's liberation from slavery in Egypt, could incite nationalistic fervor and even rebellion." TRANSLATION:  Jerusalem was doing a huge business in festivals three times a year centering on this fab temple.  The temple was doing such a brisk business that extensive restoration and expansion projects were under way.  Picture the streets of this city: (I'm thinking Ye Olde Renaissance Faire) There were many food and trinket vendors, inns and the surrounding stables did a brisk business, business was conducted ("we're in town anyway, let's meet for coffee"), marriages arranged, trades conducted (wheat for flour, for example) and of course, money changing (from Jewish to Roman coin).  Doves were being sold to poor widows to sacrifice during ceremonies at a huge markup (The dove thing really pissed Jesus off) - the vendors were gouging the crap out of everyone, per usual at a FESTIVAL.   Maybe there was also an entrance fee to just get into the city (which had walls around it), used to fund the temple expansion and other civic projects like roads, etc.  There was money, power, and influence.   But these festivals brought the rowdies (like a buncha bikers at a hometown 4th of July parade) so there were more cops brought in as well.

Also, it was a TEMPLE but it was being used as a giant swap-meet.  Hey, it was mostly sheltered from the weather, who doesn't like an enclosed flea market?  So a religious temple being used for grubby trade.  Jesus was here in Jerusalem every year.  He was front and center to the building up of trade inside the temple.  He was against that, to put it lightly.

This place was HUGE, by the way.

(When Jesus came to Jerusalem, the Temple had just been majorly rebuilt by Herod the Great. The Temple area was now about thirty-five acres.  THIRTY FIVE ACRES.  That's a lot of oxen)

 And so it was natural that the Roman prefect, whose official residence was in Caesarea Maritima, would come to Jerusalem at Passover, and work with the local officials such as the chief priests and elders to keep things under control.  Moreover, talk about Jesus as "the Messiah, the son of the Blessed One" would surely have set off alarms not only among the Romans but also among the Jewish leaders. Both viewed Jesus as another religious-political messianic pretender who had to be dealt with quickly. The kind of language being used about Jesus in some circles alerted them to the danger that he might pose to their power and to the status quo."  <--I'd like to point out that the above states:  "...viewed Jesus as ANOTHER pretender."  So, there had been other pains in the ass, probably every festival, like clockwork.  The cops and guards were righteously sick and tired of chasing these radicals off the steps and out of the temple.  The temple that had been cleaned, aired out, made ready for people AND THEIR MONEY.  Imagine how irritated the cops were by this time.  You don't want to irritate the cops.  They dealt with him 'quickly'.  This guy was dangerous to the power structure - nobody at the top was going to allow some radical vagrant to upset the boat and change up the POWER and CONTROL of the peoples.
"It is safe to say that Jesus was not crucified because he taught love and forgiveness or because he set about debating legal points with the scribes of his day. Jesus was crucified because he was seen as a threat to the powers-that-be. His brand of non-violent resistance, his manner of stirring the people and empowering the poor, were correctly judged to be challenging the political power structures of his day." <-- he was a radical pain in the ass, carrying on and disturbing commerce, disturbing the peace, and upsetting the cops. They didn't like what he was teaching or how he was DEBATING WITH THE SCRIBES - but that wasn't what tipped the cops over the edge.  He was fucking up business in the temple area, blocking traffic with all his followers (he was getting a large following) and diverting attention away from vendors. He was causing scenes and getting the poor people all riled up - you know how we hate THAT to happen. They might start THINKING - uh oh.  He was going to be behind a lot of unrest, and that had to be stopped lickity split.  P.S. non violent resistance?  "help help!  I'm being repressed!" more like it.  He was yelling and shouting to be heard, getting people all frenzied up, it wouldn't have been fucking SILENT and PASSIVE he had an agenda and was passionate about it. 

Um, then he made a whip and caused a RIOT and drove the money changers from the temple.  *sound of needle across record* say WHAT?

Yeah.  Jesus, ye olde PEACEFUL guy, whipped people, overturned tables, threw money around, and went all postal on the place.  Shitballs.

(Money changers best get to steppin')
"Creating a whip from some cords, Jesus drove them all out of the temple, with the sheep and the oxen, and poured out the changers’ money and overturned the tables. But he said to those who sold doves, ‘Get these out of here! Do not make My Father’s house a house of trade!’  Jesus then put an embargo on people carrying any merchandise through the temple—a sanction that would have disrupted all commerce. (

Yeah.  He got pissed off and created a fucking RIOT.  HE WAS WHIPPING PEOPLE.  People were stampeding, oxen and sheep running amok, evidently babies being dropped on the floor (see below), yelling and screaming - BIG surprise that he was arrested, tried and executed.  Who was this Jesus dude that he had the power to place an embargo on the people?  I have no idea how the fuck that went down, but I'd bet he got his goons on it.  You KNOW Jesus had goons.  His fucking 'disciples' would be MY guess.  Glorified in the bible, they probably in reality were like The Godfather's Hand Of God (HAR I am funny).  He cleansed the temple TWICE.  Two different times.  You can't get a bunch of vendors out of a swap meet by ASKING NICELY.  He didn't say 'excuse me sir, might you please exit calmly with your oxen and bags-o-money?'  He went all postal TWICE.  Imagine the loss of income from this shiznit?  Find your animals, get set back up again, find your MONEY he was throwing people's MONEY AROUND so you know other people were scrabbling for it (I would have!) - Yeah, they wanted to kick his bony, scrawny ASS.  All of the high powered people, the shop owners, the vendors, the mucky-mucks wanted this guy GONE.

ALSO - "he made a whip from some cords".  This would have us believe he FOUND some uh, cords (?), and fashioned a whip right on the spot.  COMMON SENSE <--our good friend - would dictate that he brought that shit with him.  This was planned.  He probably had goons staged all around the temple, helping him drive people out - because some of those oxen sellers would be fairly brawny, and would prolly fight back.  One scrawny guy with a whip isn't going to scare everyone out of the temple.  So he planned this, with his peeps/disciples.  Which is how one of them could betray him (PETER).

(*There is some debate about which cleansing included the whip episode.  Common Sense <--our good true friend- would dictate that the whipping and resulting riot would be the LAST STRAW but I mention this because I am not a biblical scholar*)
(Another version - this time with boobies!  And bunnies.  Jesus whippin' the crap outta them temple-vendors and buyers.  And... WAIT.  Babies.  Babies forgotten on the floor?  WHAT THE FUCK.)
So the cops were after him.  They were looking all over the crowded city for his ass.  Jesus figured out that one of his Goons was a stool pigeon.  He wasn't sure which one, but he had it mostly figured out.  Someone was going to rat him out to the cops, that HE was the guy who did the damage to the Temple.  (I THINK that's what it's about, I'm getting bored) He told all of them at what would become the last supper (because HE DIED after that) (this was the Passover dinner that is tradition, it was already scheduled and was probably a standing invite every year)

*digression* (The Last Supper is commemorated by Christians especially on Maundy Thursday <--wouldn't that be a GREAT name for a restaurant?  Maundy Thursday - somebody take this idea)

Anywhoozle, he told them that one of them would betray him.  He must've been highly suspicious of these guys to have private detectives following them around.  He knew, again, like The Godfather knew, that people are human and weak and can be bought.  He threatened the group that the guilty party would wish they had never been born.  Sounds a little elementary school-yard to me, but whatever.  He set it up so his predictions would come true (Peter would deny him 3 times before sunrise).  Jesus was arrested after dinner, in an olive grove <--I have no idea.

So blah blah, the cops arrested him and he went to trial. "...there were two charges made against Jesus: He threatened to destroy the Temple and claimed to be "the Messiah, the son of the Blessed One"... For the Jewish leaders, merchants, and construction workers whose livelihood depended on the smooth running of the Jerusalem Temple, the slightest (even symbolic) threat [I don't think his threat was "symbolic" one bit, I think he meant to raze the place] against the Temple would have been taken very seriously.

He was tried and convicted.  Not only of disrupting all the business, but of claiming to be the Messiah - this would not stand in a place that made money from sacrifical lambs and doves and statues of gods and goddesses.  The story of Pontius Pilot comes in here.  Old Pontch wasn't what the stories say, OBVIOUSLY we know that by now, nobody IS.  He was Governor of Jerusalem.  This is getting too long already, so suffice to say Pontch was the judge and he threw the book at Jesus.  Along with a coupla other law breakers - they crucified 3 peeps on one day.

FIRST tho, OH HO HO!  There was old testament fun and games!  Let's torture this poor bastard FIRST.  This part is gory and disgusting and the stuff that 'Saw' movies are made of.  Skip this if you're squeamish.  I had to type it with my eyes shut.  Imma just copy and paste a bunch of it because it's that bad."The Romans always beat their prisoners in a very cruel way. The law of the Jews allowed them to beat men no more than 39 times. The Roman law had no limit. When their prisoners fell down, the Romans picked them up. Then they began to beat them again. Sometimes they killed their prisoners like this. The prisoners' backs became like a field that a farmer has ploughed. Pieces of skin hung from their backs. The Romans had decided that Jesus must die. Now they beat him, by Roman law.  The soldiers also made cruel jokes about Jesus. They made him a crown out of pieces of sharp branches. (It is unlikely that Jesus wore this to the cross. The Roman officer would never have allowed it.)

What must Jesus have looked like by this time? They had beaten him with hands and whips. They had pulled his beard. They had forced the sharp crown on his head.  Everyone was afraid of how he looked. He did not even look human. Nobody would recognise him as a man. 

Lets just parse this shit out.  They beat THE CRAP out of him.  They whipped him so badly he didn't even look human anymore.  His back had the skin FLAYED OFF OF IT.  They shoved sharp branches onto his face.  They yanked at his beard - you can bet they pulled it the fuck OUT.  And they kept picking him up and making him walk.  Carrying part of the heavy wooden structure they were going to nail him to.  They HATED this guy.  He had really pissed people off.  They made an example of him.  They didn't want any more trouble from any more crazy religious zealots.

(same website) "To crucify a man is terrible. The prisoner had painful injuries. The sun burned him and insects crawled over him. Most of all, the weight of the body was so heavy that the man had to struggle for every breath. All the time there were the shouts of the crowd."
I'm not going to go into internal injuries and the weight of your body vs. the gigantic nails which were pounded into HIS WRISTS, not palms.  People were watching this spectacle and catcalling at him.  This was one fucked up scene.  It took a human DAYS to die like that.  Holy fuck.  Once you were dead, the soldiers came along, broke the dead guys legs and hauled 'em off the crosses.

And THAT is the image that Christianity uses as it's logo.  A HUMAN SACRIFICE.  If any other religion used an image of a human sacrifice as their symbol, they would be drummed out of existence.  Imagine Wicca or Druidism using that type of thing?  That image is fucked up and people HAVE IT OVER THEIR BEDS, in their houses.  It's made HUGE for churches so you can see the blood.  I think it's disgusting and I wont have anything to do with it.

*ALSO i just realized this - Jesus wasn't a pacifist.  The scene in the temple sealed that deal.  He was a rebel, he stirred things up - THAT is what the crucifixion is all about.  They killed him because he was causing too much trouble.  This isn't some passive lamb, he was OUT THERE FIGHTING for what he believed in (the fairytale that he was the son of god, but no pressure Jesus).  So that symbol, the crucifixion, is a symbol of revolt and pushing boundaries.  His bowed head always seemed so submissive to me, but HEY HE'S DEAD, I get it now.

(The cross used as a symbol for a grave site doesn't bother me for some reason.  Just like you say 'Kleenex' for 'tissue' or 'Q-tip' rather than 'swab', some icons become more than the original.  No matter what religion you are, if you see a white cross on the side of the freeway, you know some poor bastard died right there.)

So, what did we learn today?  Well, here.

Jesus was a radical.  He was passionate about his beliefs.  He was a pretty smart guy.  He had amassed quite a following, and was intent on changing shit in his 'hood. He ran his followers like a business, like any gang lord would do.  He had hired spies to keep himself in the know.  He wasn't averse to using force and violence to make his point.  He pissed off the status quo so badly they tortured him in a fashion I don't even like to think about.  It was about religion, sure, but mostly about RESPECT for a house of worship.  There were lots of different pagan religions being practiced at the time.  He was a human being intent on making a change, a change he was ready to die for.  He had been fighting for the Temple for years.  He was (they say) 33 years old (which is linked to the 33 degrees of Masons OH DON'T GET ME STARTED ON CONSPIRACY THEORIES).

This was interesting to write.  If y'all are sick of this, let me know.  Possibilities for next research:  The Lost Years, from when he was 12 to 30.  Or maybe I'll research that 'water-into-wine' crap.  the lepers.  OH I KNOW David & Goliath!  oh hell, there is so much to pick from.  So much bullshit.


  1. I'm thinking he was pulling his changing water into wine dog and pony show and the guys leaving the cat house wanted him to turn aspirin into penicillin.
    He knew the jig was up, so he had kick over a bunch of shit and proselytize to keep his own ass out of crack.

    1. You know, I saw Life of Brian when it came out and sadly, I didn't get it and didn't think it was funny. Now that I know what I know, Imma watch it again and THIS TIME I'm going to freaking laugh.

      I just didn't get the jokes, man...

  2. For your next installment can you cover that go forth and multiply?

    1. CLASS *tap tap tap* Class. We now begin our second semester study of Fornication in The Bible.

    2. shutuuuuuuuuuuuuup!
      Thank you.

  3. This was a great read! Thanks for taking the time to put it together.

    1. Thank you Grey - it's been INTERESTING to say the least.

  4. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  5. Sorry wrong clip.

  6. Good ol' Porky. Wasn't the 'under god' part added becuase of the Boy Scouts? (THAT organization is creepy...)

  7. I am not sure. I 'll back off and google to.
    Here is my fave porky's clip.

    1. HAHAHAHA That was awesome! I'm posting that to my facebook.

  8. I checked into the addition of under god. There were several men's organizations that pushed for it. But not Boy Scouts.
    I was a boy scout but it ain't what is was then.
    They raise money now by standing in front of our grocery store panhandling. That would have never happened in my day.
    I guess it's been taken over by metrosexual gamers.

    1. Yeah, the Girl Scouts have delicious cookies. The Boy Scouts have to sell popcorn. I wont even eat FRESH popcorn.

      I hate clubs. I just do.

  9. I doubt that he existed but was a kind of myth pieced together by downtrodden folks who maybe needed to have something to keep them going. If he did exist, I think the powers that be destroyed him because he told the truth and, just like our narcs, they hated the truth!

    Back in the day, cruelty and torture were common place as they still are in some cultures. Hopefully, the poor bugger was too deep in shock to feel the pain. I think my NF enjoys hurting me, but JC's daddy was a million times worse!


  11. Gladys i know have an image of Jesus mixed with Saladin (Sala-HooDeen cause I know you forgot how to say it again). I never bought into Jesus was a pacifist Pacifistic people didn't live long back then but as i study History I've read first hand accounts of Romans doing this sort of thing to ANYONE who fought against there rule.

    EX. After Hannibal's failed surprise attack on ROME ITSELF, the Romans chased him and what was left of his army back to Carthage they killed everyone inside men, women and children and after they killed slaughtered and stole everything not nailed down then they fucking BURNED THE PLACE TO THE GROUND and they salted the earth so it couldn't be reused. Don't fuck with Romans

    Let them hate us...As long as they fear us-Caligula

    P.S. remember that time we watched Battles of the Bible before the history channel became all about Aliens and Bigfoot...

    1. I DO always forget how to pronounce his name dammit. The crusades, right?

      I love that example, I'm using it on my next entry (props to you of course).

      That show on the history chanel was AMAZEBALLS it was about moses, and how he was a brilliant campaign soldier and scientist - he knew when the marsh would flood - I'll have to go look that up. I remember we both were just "that makes WAY more sense than parting the red sea!". I wonder if that was a series...

    2. SALTED THE EARTH. It was a 'shock and awe' campaign - a nuclear holocaust of the highest order. Don't fuck with the Romans INDEED.