Wednesday, December 19, 2012

If you believe in Jesus, skip this one.

(If you believe in God and Jesus, I am going to offend you.  I DO NOT BELIEVE WHAT YOU BELIEVE.  I get to pick.)

So, let me get this straight.

A 13-year old girl living in the Middle-East in a fairly remote village becomes pregnant out of wedlock.  Convinces not only her middle-aged (some sources say he was 90-YEARS OLD) betrothed but the entire village that not only was she NOT boinking some young stud behind the house, she was visited by GOD and it's GOD'S fault, HE got her knocked up.  (teenage hormones are the same in ANY era, don't tell me about how she was marriageable.  She WAS 13 YEARS OLD.  Some sources say 12-years old.  Probably had barely started her period since that was the cut-off for marrying CHILDREN)

They have to travel ~7 miles to Bethlehem, to go to the Census Party - their presence was requested by Caesar Agustus who had decreed that ALL THE WORLD would be taxed.  They were late to this party, even though they only had to go 7 MILES.  SO LATE, in fact, that there was no rooms available to sleep in for love or money, and some enterprising livestock owners started renting out their filthy horse/cow stables for sleeping.  You think those people knew to associate germs with crap?  She gives birth in this filthy stable.

She then has NO TROUBLE convincing all of Bethlehem (and then Egypt, where pretty smart people are doing pretty smart things) that her illegitimate child is THE SAVIOR.  This is a chick I would like to talk to.  Talk about 'mesmerising'.

And THIS is more believable than an elf in sleigh pulled by flying reindeer.  <--THAT is the fairytale.  hmmm.

Anywhoozle - all that Virgin Birth stuff didn't even happen in December.  The census would have taken place after the harvest, so it was more likely September.  So the whole celebration of this magical story at December 25th is crap.

Which leads me to this wonderful picture that was posted by someone I vaguely know on their Facebook wall:
(God?  or Jesus?  who is this??)
THAT is a completely disgusting, gory, photograph of a human sacrifice.  I would NEVER, in all my ha ha I'm so funny ignorance, EVER post a picture of a dead bloody body to Facebook.  WHAT THE FUCK.  (I hid their post from my wall).

The above human sacrifice story (fairytale) doesn't even have anything to do with the fairytale of the "Virgin Birth" anyway.  The Bloody Human Sacrifice story has to do with Easter.  So why post that picture in December?

AND, tell me how snow, Santa the Elf, magical flying reindeer, the yule log, holly, and a decorated fir tree tie in with the Middle East, Camels, a manger in the desert.  ?? Those first items are symbols of a very ancient pagan religious celebration ('pagan' from Latin paganus, meaning "country dweller" or "rustic" - a blanket term typically used to refer to religious traditions which are polytheistic or indigenous) - a religion that has much more in common with the American Indian beliefs than some devil's agenda.

Then tell me how symbols of fertility (bunnies, a May pole [hello, phallic symbol], eggs) tie into the bloody human sacrifice above.  Answer?  They don't.

I'm sick sick SICK of the lies covering up all the stories in the bible.  NOT that the bible is a lie, but the mythology around it that we've been spoon fed since birth is CRAP.  I want to know the real stories.

I would like to read about the truth.  THE TRUTH.  How did Miriam (Mary, but Mary is not so much an ancient Middle Eastern name, it's more a 1940's name, she was Miriam or something close to that) how did she do it?  The census is real, King Herod is real, but the burning bush and David & Goliath is crap.  Don't you ever wonder why the original stories, the factual historical stuff, was so covered up?  Those plain stories seem interesting enough to ME, without giants and zombies and magik.

I get it - the higher powers in those days (the religious men, that's where the power always is) told these tales to fascinate and scare the great unwashed masses.  You can't amaze people with mathmatics when they think the number '40' means A WHOLE HELL OF A LOT - as in, it rained for 40 days and 40 nights AND FLOODED THE WHOLE EARTH in just over a month.  And Joseph was 90 years old at a time when people rarely lived past 40.  Math wasn't an exact science for the peoples, you know?)  How does anyone BELIEVE in this crap??

And keep the photos of bloody human sacrifices off your facebook.  You just look stupid.

Here' another holiday tradition from Spain.  A traditional Caganer.  A kid taking a shit under your tree.  You're welcome.


  1. Boy you are gonna get it now. I have god on speed dial and he's gonna be looking for you.
    I hope the holy fuck there is a god because it is not him that will be telling me how I fucked up, I will be me looking for that mother fucker for some answers.
    He'll have to cast my happy ass to the lake of fire cuz that's the only way he won't be catching an ass whipping from me.
    I think Moses got too drunk on lunch hour and came up with that burning bush shit so he wouldn't get fired.
    I wonder if someone thousands of years from now will be telling of the tale of the warehouse clerk that walked out from behind the burning dumpster with blood shot eyes and god made him flunk a drug test.

    Oh god please don't let me have to spend all day trying to decipher those numbers and letters to post this.

    1. HAHAHAHA you have me laughing OUT LOUD I swear Q. Yeah, I would have a thing or two to ask god myself.

      Remember Three Amigos where they find the Singing Bush? I like that better than a burning bush, if you know what I mean (and I think you do)


  3. Gladys,
    All hail mighty Gladys, Queen of Reality.
    You had me enthralled and hopelessly hooked from the disclaimer all the way through to the (chuckle, chuckle) under-the-tree-shitter.

    I respond to threats (of who will potentially own my SOUL when I die, no less) with a giant finger straight up in the air, and The Sky-bully and his Bully-Minionets/ettes get no pass on that from me.

    Why on Earth would I want to waste my life trying to be a part of a cult of virgin-birthing, human-sacrifice-glorifying, fear-mongering exclusionists? Belief in this crap is nothing more than a fear response, in my not so humble opinion.

    Thank you so much for this post. I laughed, I cried. I did not, however, take a dump under anyone's tree.


    1. Thank you Vanci! you know, I have thought the whole thing was crap even from when I was very little. In first grade I refused to say the 'under god' part of the Pledge of Allegiance. From the GET GO, I have thought the whole jesus/god/religion thing smelled like bullshit. Still stinks at 52.

    2. Unfortunately, my emotionally/physically/sexually/mentally abusive dear old Dad was an ordained southern baptist bona-fide preacher man.
      So, I was painfully and forcefully washed in the blood of the bullshit cross from age five on. Abused in the name of it, too.

      It took me awhile to get out and get it that there's a big difference between religion and spirituality. I believe in something, but it doesn't have a damn thing to do with the traditional conception of god or jeebus or religion or any of that. Saints be praised. I still can't get over the tree-shitter Gladys, it gets me every time.


    3. Vanci. It's hard to portray the role of religion in the south if you are not from here. My great grandfather was a Baptist preacher. I don't think he had credentials but he died around 1950 and they were not that particular then.
      My grandparents were as religious as any one.
      We couldn't play cards in their house etc.
      I missed the cruelty and abuse handed down in God's name but I know it was not uncommon.
      Even then it was a freak show.

  4. Yes Vanci.
    All Hail the mighty Gladys.

    Can you imagine what Miriam would say if she could come back and see what she started?
    They still think I got knocked up by who?
    If god knew so much about what suffering was like I think he might reel some of it every once in a while.
    I will send tsunami's to your quiet beachs.
    Let loons with assault weapons into your school's.
    Watch as your leaders erroneously jail people to get re-elected.

    Because I love you and understand the pain this causes my children.
    Because I love you and want you to be happy.

    1. Oh, Q, it breaks my heart every time you post a youtube link because the only computer I have access to during the day has no freekin' speakers.
      But I love that movie, so I get it. All hail Q!

  5. Enter another of the "Unwashed Masses" who had the wholly, holey shit! Baltimore Catachism shoved down my little self starting in Catholic School with the Sisters of Perpetual PMS in First Grade, age 5.
    I know everyone is appalled by the Priest Sex Abuse scandal. Um, excuse me? Yk those "Brides of Christ?" More like the Brides of Frankenstein. Who beat, kicked, pinched, punched AND for example, threw one of my classmates in First Grade HEAD FIRST into a steam pipe in the corner of the class room. Head wounds bleed. A lot. Absolute fuckin' terrorists. And the nunneries and priesthood WONDER WHY no one wants to JOIN them? And WHY "The Church" has LOST so many?
    What? You thought we'd never grow up? I mean it, I would absolutely drown my kid(s) in a bath tub before I would EVER send them to a Catholic School.
    So flame me. You didn't attend Catholic schools in the '50's and '60's. "Natural Consequences" in action, sweet-stuff. I have no doubt I've been "Excommunicated" and I'll take THAT as an honor.
    I stay as faaarrr away from Religion of ANY KIND as possible. Has it not occurred to anyone that many centuries from now beings are gonna look back on our "Modern World" and remark on our "Primitive Beliefs?" Our "Creation Myths?"
    Mon Dieu.

    1. I understand that two of my older sisters went to Catholic school when we lived in Florida, this would have been early 60's. I would have been 2 or 3, that puts them at about 7 and 9 years old. They told a few stories about rulers and knuckles.

      Sexual repression NEVER works on anyone. Unless you are naturally without a sex drive, that's possible. But the numbers suggest that nuns and priests would mostly be in the denial camp.

      Put sexual frustration and monetary deprivation in the hands of those in power positions over elementary school kids. Stir. We know what happens, we've seen the results. But they keep to the same model.

      Have you read about what happened to unwed mothers in Ireland in the 50's? A program run by nuns, sanctioned by an archbishop. Don't look it up, it's horrifying. Of course the church was behind it, and the stories are only NOW coming out.

      Because those adopted babies are in their 50's and 60's and that's when we start to blow our tops, I guess.

  6. Hey, Gladys? Is this the Spain version of a "Happy Meal Deal?" I tried to get a close-up of the "Dumping Dimwit" but no luck. From where I'm sittin', from the back that looks like a complete Angus Burger from some fast-food chain. Or maybe a double Whopper?
    So, the fries are "extra?!" I know, the drink comes out the front. How would this translate into a Female version? She squats? Over his fa-oh, never mind ;)

    1. Ha, TW - they have versions with the queen, nuns, devils, Santa Claus, celebrities, athletes, historical figures, politicians - etc. Everyone taking a crap under your tree.

      PS I'm going to stop saying the word christmas I HATE IT I'm using Yule from now on.

  7. Oh my stars and gardens!

    What a fucking awesome post.

    I wish I could wrap it up in a god damned bow and send it, all pretty like, to DH's fucking bible-thumping family - the lot of them, who all use religion like a fucking whip to keep their monkeys in tip-top shape. The worst thing of all to me is their fucking hypocrisy and their ignorance.

    I can appreciate people who Believe but who don't shove it down everyone's fucking throats. Like, don't preach to me your religion, you fucktards, and don't put it up on display so that every brainwashed fool out there thinks you're fucking God. (I'm pretty sure NMIL called dibs on THAT one).

    Eesh. Great post man, great post.

  8. Sorry, didn't skip this one.

    And I enjoyed it thoroughly - an honest, brilliant, funny post.

    Any God worth believing in will take honesty and truth-seeking over fake fearful and fear-inducing bible-thumping.

    You'll be St Gladys to me from now on ;)

    1. PA, if there IS a god of any type, it/he/she has a wicked sense of humor.

      I've been Sainted!! Now I have this glowy thing around my head. I am my own nightlight!

    2. ST GLADYS.

      Wow. That's spectacular.

  9. Was raised an atheist with every logical scientific stuff shoved down my throat, though science is not set in stone, it can only explain what is understood at the time.

    I know it is mostly mythology, I know Jesus was not born on the December 25, and I know I will never know the whole truth and nothing but the truth about Christmas. So how did I become a believer rolling around naked in the mythology-induced-pagan-inspired festivities? I honestly can't tell you how or why, I just know I find comfort in the holiday sparklies and the idea of God loving me so much that he died to give me chance at a second life, where as Mom and Dad have gladly scarified me for their own benefit. Mom even told me she hoped Dad had molested me just so she could win their arguments. So maybe I became a believer just to piss my N-parents off. Nah, it was the sparklies.

    1. Enilina - I'm speechless. She TOLD YOU THAT? Honey...

      I have no problem with a higher power, with sparklies :), I personally like the pagan celebrations and customs better, but my point is we have been HAD. There is a real story, but like everything from my childhood (and YOURS, good grief) it is coated in a dirt clod of outright lies.

      Sometimes you have to grab a rope to save your sanity. I'm glad you have the comfort. I'd like to kill your mother, so that puts me on the OTHER side of that coin...

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