Monday, April 21, 2014

I'd like to find your inner child and kick it's little ass...

I have a hideously spoiled inner toddler.

I mean, I need Super Nanny to get all English up on this kid.

The minute I posted that last thing about eating right and all that shit, I blew it.

I'm going to Vienna, did I mention.  ha.  Anyway = Mike is going to watch our dogs while we are gone and in exchange for that I told him I would stock the fridge/pantry for him.

My pantry?  is my spice cupboard.  I have nothing in cans, absolutely nothing in boxes.  Eating 'meat only' leaves very little in the way of processed foods for me to buy.  I would guess, like nothing.  I think I had 2 cans of refried beans when I started stocking up.  The only sweet crap I have are these dark-chocolate covered almonds from Trader Joe's that are pretty good but dark chocolate goes a long way with me so I only eat like 3 at a time.

Mike on the other hand, is a starving poor college student and is easily boughten with boxes of junk food.  So I started buying Kraft mac & cheese, rice-a-roni, stuff like that - you get the idea.  So IT WAS IN MY HOUSE

*crashing minor chords of a horror movie*

So I posted that post and walked into the kitchen and opened the cupboard to feed the dogs and "hey!  there's mac & cheese in there I LOVE THAT ME WANT NOW!" and I said 'no Bunny, we'll have some steak and eggs and go for a walk' and my inner toddler threw the biggest fucking TANTRUM.  So I said "FINE!  asshole!  let's make it and eat it!" and oh. my. god.

Firstly, it wasn't all that great.  Once you've had home-made cheese sauce with real (not powdered) cheese you can't go back to the orange stuff very well.  but.  BUT.

*sigh* see, we all know I am allergic to wheat.  I've spent countless hours boring the fucking crap out of y'all talking about it.  But pasta has always (since early childhood!) made me especially bloated and uh, *gassy*.  I haven't had pasta since the last time I did this supidity.  Which honestly I do believe was right before we went to the mountains.  When i got strep throat the last time.

I remember I ate some at that point and suffered a bit for it, but didn't write about it because it was just a small blip and I didn't put it all together.  Now I know.  My wheat allergy somehow knocks me down DEAD if it's pasta that I cheat with.

Turns out pasta is made with semolina flour, which some sources swear has double the amount of gluten in it than bread or regular flour.  hmmm.

I eat gluten, it causes an immediate and GIGANTIC allergic reaction in me - inflammation up the wazoo.  A slight case of being glutened and my skin reacts, my joints ache, etc - all inflamed.  With pasta it's an emergency of flashing red light proportions.  And since I'm prone to sinus infections and that portion of my system (probably lymphatic stuff) is my weak spot, that's where the inflammation really hits.  My body starts producing mucous and it starts to run down my throat in post-nasal drip style, with all the allergens and immune response going on, which irritates the hell out of my throat.

Here's where my theory jumps the shark.  If this was an immune response, an allergic reaction to the gluten, then why do antibiotics help?  The last time this happened the doc saw canker sores on my throat, but those are viral not bacterial.  So antibiotics shouldn't have been working in either case.  So I don't know the connection after my body's response with the post-nasal drip crap...

ok so, I ate pasta like a dumbass and I got seriously 9-months pregnant looking, my belly ached, I was gassy, and I was hitting myself in the head.  THEN 12 hours later I was so sick I couldn't lift my head and I went willingly back to the doc for meds, which makes twice in 4-months, when previously I hadn't taken antibiotics for YEARS.  All this to say:

Do you guys have to fight your inner toddler every fucking day?  Is it just me?  Is this an addiction thing?  Because as soon as I tell myself 'NO', it becomes ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT.  An inner brain cacophony of screaming and wooden spoons on pans and ah-OOO-gah horns and it. is. ridiculous.  It's like, you are all comfy in bed and then the dog jumps up and traps your feet and all you can think about is MUST MOVE MY FEET! when you were perfectly fine before.  I don't understand this constant need to sabotage myself.  Just like I don't understand how I went from being so 'on target' with this food crap to being so easily led off the path - which would be bad enough it was all about gaining back any weight but it's also about how FOOD HURTS ME and I don't get how my brain can convince me, against all evidence to the contrary, that it's a good idea to eat something poisonous (to me).

I'm fine, I'm out of bed today for the first time since Friday but I may nap later.  I'm an asshole, I know it.  Gee, life is hard, mistakes are made, sunrise - sunset all that crap.

There is a link somehow between gluten-inflammation-immune response-strep throat but damned it I know what it is.  It sort of defies logic.  But then, doctors would always tell me (when Mike was a baby) that teething didn't cause fevers.  But every single time that child was teething, he got a fever and got a cold/runny nose/cough.  Inflammation-immune response-sickness.  I don't know HOW but I know it's so.

Another tool to keep in my tool-box that I FORGET TO USE.

Peace out.


  1. 1st of, yep, teething=fever!
    I'm so called gluten-free but every once in a while crave a blueberry muffin. I mean like once a week. That's all it takes to make my arthritis/body aches say "how YOU doing?" but still I do it.
    I've mastered a bunch of gluten-free baking and eat corn pasta (the rice stuff is just nasty) but still fall off the wagon now and then.
    Why? Easy answer is, we're human. We screw up!
    Feel better soon.

  2. The allergic reactions set up the perfect conditions for bacteria to grow-warm, moist, dark mucous-ey crap is a home-made petri dish for proliferation of bacteria. We're loaded with the stuff internally and externally anyway, not to mention all of it in the environment. Allergies and sinus infections are like mac-n-cheese: They go together in a "complementary" (conspiracy!) fashion ;)
    Your inner brat is cranky and over-tired, huh?! Or maybe it's responding to having that damn "Scapegoat" placard hung around your neck again. And thinkin' about the sisters who were the perky cheer-leader types who knew how to do everything perfectly and were socially adept and oh, you don't DESERVE to feel good, to look good, to relax and enjoy your life, to succeed at any thing, to shine. Get back in yo place, don't you dare stand out in any positive way, don't you dare stand in the spotlight-who do you think you are? Don't you dare climb to the top of that mountain of personal accomplishment with your gold medals unless you're planning to jump off and make yourself disappear into smaller and smaller unrecognizable pieces of success, of dreams and aspirations, of larger and larger fragments of fear, sorrow, loss, pain, the familiar lake of miasma. Always remember, you don't deserve.
    Until you really believe you do, I'll know it for you.

  3. I find I sabotage myself/my inner child gets its way when I'm tired, overstressed, or discouraged about something. Is your upcoming trip stressing you out? --LuLoo

  4. (knock knock...hell-o?)
    Hey Gladys? It's almost Sausage Departure Date. Are you packing? Mike's gotta be heading for finals this semester and your cupboards are likely filled with frankenfood. How are you doing?

    1. I'M HERE! Things were fraught just prior to departure, and now I'm back with stories to tell. Sorry to have been so absent! Thanks for checking on me TW!

  5. ************ :-) ************