Par-tay at Sanford and Son's house! WE GOT RIPPLE!
NO NO NO NO. Not that kind of Ripple. You people need a time out.
Start again: The Ripple Effect
THANK YOU. Jeebus, you're all so immature.
My version here of The Ripple Effect is the way my childhood abuse affected me, my reactions to it, and how my kid saw my reactions still ongoing into adulthood - and how that affected HIM.
There are so many aspects of this subject that I could explore. I need to just get this little entry up, and then get back to it.
I've written before about how my sisters and I - we didn't have any role models to learn from as far as raising kids went. So instead, we all just aimed for the opposite of what happend to US. Which worked, in a way, because all of our kids are bright and happy and weren't raised in abuse. Yes yes, applause to US for stopping the abuse at this generation, but did we really? Because I'm seeing The Ripple Effect in Mike (my son) and while I feel that I did an OUTSTANDING job raising him given the tools I had (a ballpeen hammer and a melon baller, it wasn't easy using THOSE particular tools which is why I say I did a bang-up job) I feel like he is another abuse victim of my parents, a generation removed.
With strangers? I was a goddamned WARRIOR, I never backed down from any confrontation or situation. I was a 5'4" bundle of rightious indignation and woe betide the fool who puts me or my child in danger.
With my family (and narc boyfriends), he saw me react with fear, isolation, and running away. He had no context for that behavior - he didn't know they were learned responses from MY childhood, so he (as children will) assumed that my responses were correct for that situation. He learned to stress out at slamming doors (even though we NEVER slammed doors, it was always the wind or an accident), he learned how to react with fear and vulnerability. He saw me do something, and figured that's how you do it. (like making a buncha U-turns when you drive somewhere, it's just how you get there!)
About the time that testosterone hit his system, he decided that a fear-based response wasn't what he wanted to do, so he decided to become FAR more aggressive and began to react with "great vengeance and furious anger" when cornered. He is un-learning that at this time (the USMC likes 18-year old guys for just that reason, lottsa anger and testosterone, and they focus it and create a big hammer).
So yes - I never abused that child (besides the whole 'no chocolate for breakfast' thing). But his responses to stimuli were the same as my own, nonetheless.
You never know how you're gonna screw up your kids, but rest assured, they will tell you :)
We ULBs are teaching the youngers to un-learn these response behaviors at a far younger age than we learned it. Little by little, maybe we can diminish the number of people who are target bait for these predator nards.
ULBs: Leaving caution tape, picks, shovels, flashlights and maps for victims of narcs.