All I got is an internal battle so old it needs Ben-gay to get its dander up. I'm sick of IT and I'm sick of me and I'm sick of talk talk talking because here I am AGAIN fucking again, like a horse race I'm so far behind I think I'm ahead.
I suffered under a narcissist but I harbor no illusions that he/they were of the malignant variety. Where I was ignored and sidelined and yes abused (which was bad, don't get me wrong), most of you all were in the Auschwitz to my Orphan Asylum. So many have dealt with so much worse and come out light years ahead of where I am emotionally. Mentally. Psycho-ly.
I read you all and read your struggles and your progress and your fucking BATTLES with like BRAIN TUMORS and horrifying mothers and fathers and BROTHERS and MILs and ET SETT ER UH.
I have geraniums on my patio. I believe in ghosts and positive energy wahhh! and I'm all personal power, wheee! and YET I'm fucking FIFTY TWO YEARS OLD and yes. TW, you were so right, progress not perfection, right? But I've been buying and selling this same shirt for so fucking long and look! Nobody else is in line to buy it OR sell it! LA LA LA it's just ME!
I married a broken guy, and lo and behold we have problems, but he tells me he loves me more than pants and I love him right back and I'm really fairly happy and HONESTLY NOW - wouldn't I have problems anywhere I was? Cos, let's say it together - no matter where you are, there you are.
OH OBV., I am not taking this blog down. I have to stop running away from myself. How's this --> I HATE that I was honest and told all my crap in typical vomit-the-story-on-everyone fashion. Because DUH I can't revise my own history now like I've been taught to do from the git go. And no, I don't need y'all to tell me it's FINE because yes I know it is, it's FINE and I'm me and I actually DID get back up faster this time, I'm at peace faster this time, so yes progress but shitballs. I bore myself.
When I hear the phrase "let's go have a drink", this is what I see in my head:
What a drink actually tastes like (so why drink it? I dunno, axe my brain)
this is how I think we look at a bar:
And the reality:
And then there's this. Like, too often to be ignored.
So yeah. there's another truth to nail my mouth shut.