As a practicing witch (I DO TOO practice, I practice all the fucking TIME) I'd like to offer all of you who are looking for sobriety, the following magic spell. It is absolutely GUARANTEED to get and keep you sober for 100 days. I am not kidding, and you shouldn't either. But you have to follow it exactly. ready? here it is.
By the light of the waning moon, gather 200 teabags of your favorite tea. (Or lots of coffee. Or possibly 400 bottles of San Pellegrino sparkling water.)
At the very next sunrise (or as close as you can after sunrise, like maybe 8:00 am or so), brew a pot of tea/coffee and pour a cup with a shit-ton of sugar/cream (just me? ok then) or pour yourself a water - use your nicest tea service/coffee cup (the one with OOH RAH USMC is a nice choice) or most expensive crystal for water. (Or a plastic pool cup, my personal favorite.) Light candles (scented of course) and sit yourself down on your sofa, placing the liquid reverentially in front of you. Draw in a cleansing breath, and repeat this charm:
North, East, West, and South
no more liquor in my mouth
Blast you spirits, wine and rum
But not blast like, MAGIC SPIRITS, dum dum dum
Then sip slowly from your potion. Repeat this spell every day, morning and night, for 100 days. You will be 100 days sober at the end.
THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING: You cannot drink any alcohol for 100 days! Alcohol in any form will absolutely break all the magic of this spell. As a professional witch, I recommend you stay at least 10 feet away from any container of alcohol (unless it's rubbing alcohol and you have an abrasion, then yeah.) No fooling, alcohol will RUIN this spell and then you have to start all over.
I personally 100% guarantee you will be 100 days sober at the end of this spell! You may repeat as often as necessary.
Please send me $50 for each use of the above spell. I take PayPal. I will know if you use the spell and don't pay me, you don't want to fuck with me I'M A WITCH.
P.S. 5 days