- <becalmed at last, she slept soundly for the first time in weeks> (years) (decades?)
Not only am I not scared anymore - I'm not angry anymore.
I've been both of those things - Very Scared, and Completely Pissed The Fuck Off, for about 54 years now. I't different, this new 'not' feeling. I just got the chills, ack shoo lee.
I'm not angry about the abuse anymore. Which is NOT to say anything stupid like 'I forgive my abusers' or any bullshit like that. I most assuredly do NOT forgive. The abuse has not been acknowledged by the perpetrators, and forgiveness has not been requested. In my world, both of those things have to happen before I would ever consider 'forgiveness'.
[And, sorry all you ACoNs just starting out, but that shit ain't EVER going to happen. Let me just get you to the end of the story real quick - stop writing letters. Stop explaining. Stop making grand gestures. Stop crying and explaining boundaries - stop wasting time, and over-extending your hope-bone. And for the love of christ, please stop feeding your children to 'The Grandparents' - your children ARE being abused, right in front of your eyes. They see your stress/fear/anger and assume that is a normal response to them. The narcs will not become anything else than what they are. That leaves YOU to become something other than what you are. It's YOUR responsibility, and your only hope. The End.]
But angry? meh. See, I used to swim with sharks. They ate me. A LOT. it hurt, a lot. I kept asking them not to do it. But I kept swimming around in that pool. And every time I did, I would get a stomach ache and a headache and drink too much to compensate for the stress of being around sharks. They did not understand what I was saying because I do not speak shark. Now I do not go in that pool. The sharks are still in there, swimming around. Eating others, I suppose. But it's not ME anymore. And it isn't any of my business what they are doing.
Do you get that? Once you go NO CONTACT it isn't any of your business if the narcs are still being narcs. I don't go to the edge of the shark pool and look to see what is happening. I don't ask my sisters if my mother (shark) is eating someone else. I don't want to know, and it is none of my business anyhow. I am free.
I will no longer waste my time being angry at a bunch of sharks in a shark tank. *shrug* they just are who they are. I can shake my fist at the fates who allowed me to be born into that mess. Sounds futile but I did it for years. I can HATE the sharks for being sharks and for feeding on me all the time. For not seeing that I was not born to be food, that I was just a baby/kid - well, sounds just as useless and I did that for years too. I would yell and cry and all, and they would just look at me with shark eyes and think 'food'. They didn't ever once say 'hmmmn, why is this food making so much noise?' it never occurred to them. And in all those years of fear and anger and hate, I never once just got myself out of the fucking pool. It never occurs to US that there is a ladder and a towel waiting outside. Probably an iced tea too.
I'm out now. It's silly, all that angst and energy I wasted being so angry and scared when all I had to do was get out, dry off, and walk away.