Monday, July 22, 2013

Boundaries and Safety Zones

Hey guys - I'm back from Vegas.  We went for 4 days to just chill out.  It was wonderful.

We slept in until 10:00, we layed lied sat by the pool and read books for hours.  We were snoozing in our king-sized bed by 10:00 PM every night.  I didn't drink.  It was a much needed little getaway.

I only gained 1 POUND and I didn't walk hardly at all.  I ate right, but I did allow myself to have a couple bites of cheesecake, and a huge plate of pasta the last night (I'm still paying for that one... *gas* :cough: *gas*

The family kerfuffle only intruded once - Georgia emailed me in kind of a panic because she realized that mom will absolutely not be able to get herself packed in time to have Mike help her load a truck and drive it.  I started to have a panic attack (I'm getting drug dragged back in!  I'm NOT going to go to that house and pack shit into newspaper and put it in boxes my respiratory system will go into failure my stomach is knotting up I can't be around that bitch aaahhh!) and on like that for about 30 minutes.

I let myself just run with it for a bit.  Then I said to myself "self, this is not your rock.  You have made very clear boundaries.  Let it go."

Here is the email exchange (edited for brevity):
[From Georgia]
I tried to call you tonight after I talked to Leslie.  I am concerned that helping Mom do this move the U-Haul way may be too much after all.  I am going to call Mom from the car tomorrow as we drive to the Tetons.  I can tell her that it is too much for you and Mike after all, as well as for Anne and her family.  Really, it will take 2 - 4 days of packing boxes, gathering packing materials, crating the mirror or however that will need to be done.  Can you, Mike, Anne, and her kids really do all that?  I don't know what has gone forward since I last talked to Mom on Monday.  Salvation Army was supposed to come yesterday.  I need to check in with Mom anyway.  So, let me know if you REALLY can help Mom enough to get it done.  Don't want everyone's life in a tizzy because it is more work than anyone can really do.  Mom is not an initiator of getting help.  I think she may be just relying on people to show up with everything she needs to pack. 
Please let me know ASAP what you think.  I am happy to be the one who gets this information to Mom.  I am not going to tell her everything about how you and Mike felt after the packing day at her house.  I do feel I need to tell her I have been in communication with you, or she won't take me talking about this with her seriously.  She can contact the movers if that is what is right to do, and they will provide boxes, etc.  She will still need some help, just not the huge amount of help she would need otherwise. 

Do you see how that is sort of panic inducing?  I can hear the stress in my sisters FINGERS.  She is far away, on vacation, trying to help someone who keeps insisting she needs no help.  Here is my answer:

 Hi, I am in Las Vegas and reception is spotty.  I think it may be better to have a mover in that case.  Mike was planning on loading/unloading and driving, but 3 days of packing is more than we bargained for.  I think your idea to have her get movers is a good one.  I will call you tomorrow if I can, hope this goes through!
And her final email to me:

I got it.  Will talk to Mom tomorrow. 
Have fun in Vegas1

I DO feel bad, leaving this all to the last sister.  This is the sister who does not know yet (at least, not directly from me) that I have declared enough to be enough.  I think that in trying to respect her and her relationship to my mom, I may have left her feeling abandoned.  BUT IT CANNOT BE HELPED.

I am not going to be around my mom, end and point and match.  Mike is still willing to do what he can, but needs to work around his own college schedule.  This issue ruined a couple hours of vacation for me, but I did not jump to the bait.

In former years, I would have been on the phone to every sister I could get ahold of, bitched and complained and sought advice and called mom and then Mike and volunteered and ugh.  Not anymore.  It's progress, yes - but I would call it SAFETY.  Progress sounds to me like a never ending road.  With this issue, I have now made it my primary focus to stay in SAFETY.  Gate is closed.  Dogs are slavering and running free.  Safety Zone.

I'm certain that as this episode of moving my mother gets closer, there will be further exchanges.  But my position has been clearly stated, and I have held firm.

What else is there, really?


  1. I busted my hump when my parents sold their house and moved to an apartment. In return the old man shit all over me. One day after unpacking and setting up their entire kitchen, I stopped for a tea break and he called me out for it, saying I was lazy. He'd watched TV the whole time.

    When they moved into their retirement residence they had disowned me and didn't want me to know where they were going. My cousin thought I should know about the move and told me. Low and behold, about two weeks before their moving date they got in touch and let me know what was happening. I wrote them a nice little note saying how happy I was that they had found more appropriate accommodation.

    Bottom line, they managed to relocate just fine and dandy without my help. Don't know who the old man crapped on but it wasn't me!

    Your mother will be just fine without you and you'll sure as hell be just fine and dandy without her!

  2. Amen, Mulderfan. I don't even want to recount my adventures as The Sherpa for Psychob and Nsis. Someday I'll tell you about Nsis's experience of being raped while she was simultaneously watching down the street carefully for the first glance of the vehicle. Cue signal to run into the middle of the street, arms and hands flapping almost as furiously as her mouth. In Manhattan. sigh.
    "Progress sounds to me like it's a never ending road." Yep. Sure is. And this is the sis who does not communicate in any language known to sane, reality-based people. Gladys, you're gettin' this down for sure!
    Really, they do end up doing just fine as Mulder said. Dropping the rope and walking away is so damn freeing.