Monday, July 1, 2013

I carried a watermelon

The title of this entry is a line from the movie 'Dirty Dancing'.  It's a pretty funny line.
Wanna know what is NOT a funny line?

"I dropped the cake"

*sigh*.  Yeah.  We drove to Arizona to go to one of Jeff's friend's 50th birthday party.  I went with the wife to go get the cake.  I dropped it on the way OUT OF THE STORE.  Plz invite my spazzy self to YOUR parties!  I am fun. 

It was 122 degrees in Arizona.  YES.  ONE HUNDRED TWENTY TWO.  Degrees.

That is not a happy thing no matter how much you tell me you love the dry heat.  Yes it's a dry heat.  So is the inside of my oven I DON'T WANT TO BE INSIDE AN OVEN.

Plus - look.  YOU may think the desert is beautiful.  To YOU it has nuance!  Majestic beauty!  Subtle colors that change as the light changes!  To YOU the desert looks like this:
Well sister, not to ME.  To me the desert looks like a big vacant lot in the middle of Garden Grove, CA.  The desert looks like someone hated the area and blasted the fuck out of the landscape.  To me, the desert looks like this:

For 5 fucking hours driving from So Cal to the middle of The Devil's Frying Pan (now with more heat!).  Anywhoozle - it was a party.  I didn't drink.

There were lots of people there and shots! were! had!  loudly, and music was thumpa thumpa thumpa and it was fun, but you know - I'm a hermit and so I got a little overwhelmed and so did my dogs, I took them up to the bedroom we were in and we all three went to bed at about 8:00 PM Saturday night.

Again, invite me to YOUR party, I will poop out early, after I drop the cake!


  1. Consider yourself invited. Bring your dogs, drop the cake, poop out early and you'll fit right in!

    1. Man, THAT would be a party. I'd love to come and hang out!!

  2. You are hereby sentenced to 30 days.......
    in the electric chair.

  3. Gladys, come over any time! Don't bring sunscreen because the sun hasn't been seen in weeks for longer than a half hr. We're having chilly monsoons, I'm wearing leggings, heavy socks and a sweatshirt (around the house) so we can slob around in comfies due to our in-house confinement. Please bring the dogs-they can swim in the river across the road or just hang out outdoors and get soaked periodically or go find somethin' nasty to roll in with the forest on the other 3 sides of the house! DH is welcomed as well-he can canoe, kayak, climb mountains, go fishin' and drink a lot of beer-he'll fit right in with the local guys! We'll have the de-caff mint tea, OK? And maybe if we're real energetic, we might make it till 9PM!
    The cake...Gladys, my hands haven't coordinated with my brain since my first stroke so I drop stuff with depressing frequency. What I don't drop and break, my "Ambush Cabinets" above the kitchen counters do-with impunity. A few Xmas Eves ago, some friends came over and I was pulling my (collected over YEARS) china out of the cupboards to serve the food. I had just closed the cabinet, pivoted to hand off the dishes to Bev-the-Housekeeper behind me and suddenly I was getting pelted from behind by all kinds a HUH? on my head, shoulders, back etc. There was all this huge crashing on the tile floor and shrapnel shards thigh-high flying all over the kitchen. Bev stood there holding some plates and looking behind/above me with the expression from "The Scream." I just stood there frozen while the 10 sec. attack emptied every last piece of china from the top two shelves. Followed by dead silence. Yk know those cheap-ass plastic shelf holders? They cracked-and there went the entire contents of two shelves. I was picking up shards of china for weeks-literally: They were embedded in my feet. Troubs-the-cat "found" a few as well. I'm sure there's still some under the appliances...
    Please don't feel bad about the cake. I've done far, far worse than drop a cake...and of course, it's *always* in public. I've brought, ahh, very inappropriate gifts to parties that apparently were for a much different type of event than I was informed and yes, they were opened in front of a crowd of about 50+ people. As soon as the guest of honor started opening the gifts I knew I was in deep, deep shit. And there was no way to flee the scene. I didn't know these people well (obviously) and I'm certain I will always be remembered as the guest who brought a Baby Shower gift to a WEDDING Shower: There was no way to even kinda pretend my gift was for anything BUT a baby. Worse yet? The Bride, a large young woman apparently had been dieting like a determined-to-get-into-a size 15 sizes less than was realistic....ohhh, the shame, TW, the SHAME!
    So there it is-please feel free to find your way here anytime! Doggies are more than welcome as are partners/SOs/DHs (of any gender.) We'll sink or swim, but we'll have a helluva good time, intentionally or otherwise!
    TW (who else could do this WTF??? stuff without even trying?)

    1. Can you imagine how much fun we would all have at your house? It sounds like HEAVEN, to be in the wild, to not be HOT HOT HOT, to be amongst my peoples...

      That china story, oh my. I collected for YEARS vintage crockery bowls from the 30's/40's/50's - these things were beautiful in all of those fabulous colors, and they were heavy as SIN. I had them on a shelf in my kitchen. I was sweeping one day and knocked the shelf with the broom and in slow motion they all sllliiiid down the shelf and *bash* *crash* *smash* one after another they hit the floor. All I could do was watch and scream.

      I figure the lesson learned is STOP DOING HOUSEWORK, duh.

  4. sigh.
    That's a big part of the reason I have Bev-the Housekeeper.
    It's classic relationship and it's anything but parasitic.

    I get my ass kicked regularly. By someone who I can literally stand up to and still be looking down at her head while she's kicking my proverbial shins-the flip side of what she's usually kicking.