Tuesday, July 16, 2013

My estrangement email. It always comes to this, doesn't it?

**So, I sent an email to Georgia (at the bottom) explaining one facet of why I was so upset after my visit.  Scroll down and read that one first.  Then this is the rest of the story**

Dear 3 sisters:

I am sending you the below email I sent to Georgia, just so you are all clear on part of what I was so screaming angry about after my visit with mom.  I am not sending this email to Georgia and Leslie - for obvious reasons.  This email is not a secret.  But I am not out to hurt feelings. 

(The 'obvious reason' wasn't so clear.  I didn't want to add to the burden of anyone who was trying to repair their relationship with my mom.  There was no reason to hand someone a steaming plate of my angst when they are dealing with their own.  I didn't want to put anyone in the position of feeling the need to defend my mom - that is not constructive.  I was not keeping secrets.  I clarified this with the sisters after I sent this email.)
Regarding my visit:
Aside from trapping Mike and attacking him about his weight (see below email), she also got in my face (very much in my personal space) and began mocking me after she asked me a random question about why I was so tan - I had hesitated in my answer (thinking 'wtf is she going for here, it's summer, I'm not that tan, this is a trap, wha...') and she got very close to my face, staring intently into my eyes, saying "urm um hmm um" <--as if that was what I was saying out loud, because I was hesitating.  Hard to explain.  She was just - well, mean and hard looking, hoping for some response - embarrassment?  This is not normal social behavior.  Made all the more weird because she is so nice right before and right after one of these incidents - like always.  Mike was also a close-up witness to that attack, and was as stunned as I was.  She is vicious in a hundred little ways.  She has done this exact thing before, this is not new.
I've had some time to process this last visit (it always takes me some time to process visits with her.  Since childhood I shut down and disassociate while I'm in her presence, and I think that is a huge deal as well), and these two examples are only two out of a dozen or so that happened in those two days I saw her.  These things happen EVERY TIME I see her.  This is exactly the way she has treated Alexis and Anne, and Jude I'm assuming this has happened to you as well.
My epiphany is that I am not willing to spend any more of my time around a snake that bites me every time I'm near it.  I think it's awful that it took me so long to just be done trying to pet a snake. Being old doesn't preclude her from being polite.  Just because I have known her for 46 years doesn't imply that we have any kind of relationship.  She has done this sort of thing to me since I was 6-years old.  There is no excuse for this behavior, and no excuse for why I have allowed this person in my life for so long.
I have long assumed it was something I could control.  If I just tried harder - if I wasn't so weird, so on the outside - you know, if I just changed it would be better.  But I realized last week that this has nothing to do with ME.  She is just a mean, vicious person.  She always has been, this is NOT new behavior.  I have never been so mentally healthy and centered, and this happened anyway.  The fact that I am now done with her is proof (to me) that I am mentally healthier - I'm aware that she is poison and I am not willing to expose myself to that poison anymore.  The fact that it only took me 24-hours to process this visit is a very big deal to me. 
I am done with her.  But I WILL NOT LOSE YOU THREE.  I will not allow her to come between the relationship I have with my sisters.  There will be no big declaration - there was no fight.  It was just another little straw, like all the other little straws before it.  The camel's back has been broken.  She would likely be surprised at all of this fuss from me - there was no indication at the time that her actions had any affect at all.  (because it takes me time to process her).  The catalyst for my decision is that she is beginning to corner and slyly attack my son.  and, NO.  just no.  No more.  The cycle will not continue.  I'm done.
Perhaps your particular perspective is different.  Maybe you feel your relationship with her is worth more of your time.  I respect your decision.  Please respect mine.  I am not leaving in a huff.  This has been coming for 46 years.  She has made her bed with me, time and again.  I do not forgive her for the abuses she inflicted on me as a child, and I will not condone her behavior now.
Mike is still going to help her move - he will drive the U-Haul - he is a grown man and my relationship with mom is not HIS.  He and I are not in the same place with regards to this crap.  And rightly so.  He believes so strongly in FAMILY that he will do this gladly, to help out.  He is in communication with mom on his own, and will communicate with all the sisters when there is a time and date for moving.  Judith, he may need a place to stay overnight after the move, and I'm going to have him talk to you about crashing on your floor, hope that's fine.
I don't want to make a huge deal out of this.  I'm not going to boycott family gatherings if she is there.  I will however, choose when and where and if I am around her again.  I have reached max capacity for her particular brand of bullshit.  I just wanted you three to know. 


From: Casey
To: Georgia
Sent: Tuesday, July 16, 2013 7:47 AM
Subject: Re: Visit with Mom this week

Thanks for not mentioning my second (screaming stressed out) email.
I had fun seeing you guys.  Mom drives me crazy, but that happens to all of us.  At one point she cornered Mike and was insistent about asking him about his weight - her opinion being that he is too fat.  I turned into a mama bear and lost my mind after the visit.  She can be very cruel and cutting.  He doesn't understand her obsessions about being thin and her comments really hurt his feelings - especially since he was there working so hard to help her.  So I was a bit uh, ticked off.
Anywhozle, love to all y'all there.  (and etc, other closing remarks)


  1. I read this and had no idea how to comment so I ate some lunch instead. While I was eating, I saw a commercial for dentist referrals. It said call 1-800-DENTIST because sometimes your family is useless.

    1. I would rather go to the dentist than ever be around her again. And I have a horrible dentist phobia.

  2. Gladys, I am without Internet so I am typing this out on my phone and have to be brief. But I wanted you to know that these last posts have helped me tremendously in processing some recent shit of my own. So thanks.

    I am sorry the circumstances aren't better for you but I am glad you are feeling healthier!

    More later when I can type more easily.

  3. Nice, very nice "Declaration of Independence," Gladys. Now let the games begin....you'll learn a whole bunch more about which sister plays what role in this dynamic: Who's the placater/APOLOGIST, who's the Avoider, who's out for Blood etc.

    CONGRATULATIONS on asserting your right to be teated with dignity and respect as a "human bean."
    Gladys, GOOD ON YOU!!! I was already pretty horrified by the way G. treated Mike, BTW. Then "mother" starts on him about his WEIGHT??? WTF? Yk, if there's one thing the military gives you starting from day one it's LOYALTY. So let's not confuse loyalty and "I gave my word" as a function of anything other than that. I'm not entirely certain Mike's buying what your FOO is selling, yk?

  4. This morning I was wondering why is it that people who get hurt and run over by their families are usually the ones who care what these very people think about them? People who probably never cared about us at all and certainly never helped us. Like just one more ass kissing and my mother/whoever will be nice to me or see me for who I am. Glad you broke free!

    Q's Sis

  5. Thank you everyone - this has been cathartic in every sense of the word. My sister Leslie and I spoke today, for the first time in a long time (there had only been time and miles between us, nothing negative) and that conversation was wonderful. She has had the same interactions with my mother, she understands my position.

    I feel strong. I have named the monster, I have stated my boundaries, and I am free. Whatever comes as fallout from this in the short term will be easily dealt with, and then I will keep moving away from her and all the crap.

  6. I had a "friend" trot out "dementia" today to excuse my NF's abuse.

    "I realized last week that this has nothing to do with ME. She is just a mean, vicious person. She always has been, this is NOT new behavior." is pretty much what I said to my "friend".

    Your description of why there is really no excuse for this kind of cruelty, regardless of the abuser's age, is spot on!

  7. It's a bad week to be an ACON.

    1. I watched that and watched another linked video and just wasted 30 min watching videos of dogs teaching babies to crawl. I'M SO SUCEPTIBLE. (sp?)

  8. If you install google chrome(it's free)as your browser (I think there is a version for macs). it underlines misspelled words and right clicking on the misspelled word gets you a suggested spelling. And left clicking on the correct spelling inserts the corrected word over the misspelled one. It has to be the new text you are entering into the field.

  9. I declared my independence from Cruella DeVille aka Nmom 3 years ago at the ripe old age of 50. One sister was totally on board, the other sister disowned me--such is life, but I have never regretted my decision to be free from the momster.

  10. From what I've seen the abusive parents get worse as they age. You'd think they learn something as they got older, lol.
    Instead their deviousness gets more entrenched.

    Q's Sis