So - let's talk doorways. Thresholds. The type I keep alluding to here and there.
Here's some woo-woo for you: for about 6 months now I would get VERY dizzy in doorways. I know I mentioned - but it was very weird. I would get seasick unlocking my own front door. It also happened at the elevator lobbies, which I figured could be explained by the way the building might shake? because of the elevator machinery? but yeah - even the gates out to the river behind the complex. Just a weird feeling of vertigo while I was unlocking/waiting/passing through. It also happened at the ocean - when I would/still do stand in the waves and look toward the horizon, listening to seagulls and watching the cute surfers (what?) I would get very dizzy. Chalked that one up to the movement of the ocean around my knees. I do TRY to be logical...
|random beach house from google but what a view...|
Once I started paying attention - which that phrase started being very loud in my head PAY ATTENTION! I started to think of doorways and thresholds in a different way. In a more 'you are on the verge of walking through a life doorway hello!' way. Which was part and parcel of the stuff I've been realizing over the last year? At least 6 months or so.
First it was, I think, realizing that I had so much actual PEACE in my life. Any fighting or arguing with anyone was going on inside my own damned head. None of that was happening to me in reality land. I was/am still so used to FIGHTING and feeling scared and alone and tossed around that my brain just kept going on that path even though there was nothing really there. That sort of thing has been happening to me for the last 4 years actually. So I had to forgive myself for that, pat myself on the fanny and start telling myself 'it isn't real, you're just used to turmoil it isn't real' - and kept learning to let it go. And the doorways started in.
And then I figured out about the 3 cycles of my life - and I'm entering (soon) the final cycle. And I've just started to think about what I want to drag with me into this new wonderful place. And the doorway dizziness is SHOUTING at me to pay attention to this loudly now. 'you have a choice and it's huge what are you going to do?'
And so I'm deciding I'm leaving all the overt negativity behind me. ALL of it. I am not bringing any of my childhood abuse crap with me into this new place. If I can shake it off and get rid of it, it's going. I can't remove my past but I can stop SWIMMING in it. Stop marinating in it.
I've gone through my favorites bar on my computer and deleted well over 100 links to blogs. DONE. I don't want to study NPD anymore. I was absolutely immersed in it for years, and it was like an AP college class and it saved me and brought me here. And now I'm done. I still have the links on my sidebar, people I have 'met' and who have helped me so much. But I'm not going to spend the best part of every day checking a shit-ton of blogs about abuse anymore.
I deleted links to Child off Hoarder blogs. To alcoholism blogs. No more weight loss blogs, no more personal finance blogs. NO MORE. The struggles are real, the successes are wonderful, the stumbles are heart breaking - but it's drama and it isn't MY real life. And I know enough about ME and my childhood now to not have to study the fuck out of all of the ways people can abuse children, themselves, their families.
And with that, I've decided to leave my own childhood abuse outside this new door. It is a part of me, sure. But it no longer defines me. I made an analogy of my broken self, my abused self, that I'm like a 3-legged dog who has learned to cope with only having 3 legs. To take that into this new headspace - yes - I am still a dog with 3 legs. But - this is stupid maybe. but this:
rather than having people say 'oh poor doggie! you have only 3 legs!'
I want to be 'you're a smart, kind, loving, funny great dog!
oh yeah, missing one leg but meh!'
(also: I don't want people describing me as a DOG but I'm hoping you get my drift here)
So this next couple of weeks is going to be a lot of walking and thinking. And getting rid, really getting rid, of this sackcloth and ashes I've been wearing. I still haven't truly decided what I'm going to be when I grow up - I haven't decided what I DO want in this next phase of my life. Beyond WATER, grass, a hose, some mermaids IS IT SO MUCH TO ASK? but I know what I don't want.
And that, y'all - that is one way to head into the future. I'm walking down that path, heading toward that doorway. Elimination round commences.