Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Disjointed

For the longest time, a month or more? I've been talking here about change coming.  About water the ocean, and knowing there is a cosmic shift going to happen, a timeline split maybe.  But I could feel a huge deal in my life and today I am scared whatever it is is closer and may have more meaning that I originally thought altho I am no closer to a definitive answer than ever.

Yesterday I got a message from a friend telling me that they had tried to friend me on FB.  I went and looked as saw nothing.  Same person got back to me telling me to check 'other messages'.  Rootled around and found that button and HOLY FUCKING CRAP.

The very same girl I had talked about yesterday, the one who I originally crafted mosaic stepping stones with (the one who introduced me to crystal meth) - she had messaged me.  So had some random warehouse worker from when I worked at Gemco in 1980?  1981?  So had my BFF/Frenemy from jr. hi (on up through our 30's).

All of these messages were at least a year old.

My life back then in my 20s and 30s - well you all know.  I had grown up in Florida learning NO physical boundaries whatsover.  Learning that physical affection is love is security is for everyone.  Then to California where I learned all that a pair of narcs can teach you about how awful you are.  How unloveable you are.  By the time I was in my teens and 20's I was shattered into a million little pieces.  These people come from a time in my life when I would cling to everyone, everything, in the hopes of feeling whole again.

Good god there are more people that COULD contact me that would surely (Shirley) send me in to a tail spin.  Please don't misunderstand.  This time in my life was absolutely The Island of Misfit Toys.  I was no better than what I describe here.  We didn't know anything but cling together and use each other up.  Blind trust in a bunch of abuse victims all putting out disaster fires of their own.

The stories I could tell about my actions alone surrounding these people.  So many things I am ashamed of myself for - drugs and hook-ups and horrifying bad decisions.  This was right in the time of me living in that house with the two guys, where I rode my brown ten speed bike to Gemco to work every day, where I dated a guy named Dwayne (please do not contact me aaaaah).  Things happened FAST and furious in that time.  One thing right after another, moving and boyfriend and moving again and another job and my first beater car and bad decision after bad decision.  No drugs at this point except the occasional toke on a bong, but I hated smoking weed.  Didn't really drink either at this point.

But the messages took me all the way up through my first husband and Lynn and crystal meth and I was in my 30's continuing to make bad friend choices.  At least my kid and my job were good.

I'm feeling a lit - no a lot dizzy and nauseous this morning.  I then dreamed of seeing a lot of other old friend's names on a FB type list and they all had Oct. 4 next to them.  I cant know if that was 2013 or 2014.  10-4? like roger that military lingo or was it October 4?

It feels not good to me.  Like zombies coming out, crawling ooozing out all around me.

I would say they all represent bad times in my life, times when I was particularly wacky but I was a spazz 24/7 my entire life - every timeline in my life back then was bad.

Here's my big question.  Why now.  I mean, these messages were a year old I believe, but why was I led to find them NOW?  My first instinct is to RUN.  Run away from all of it.

But maybe I'm far enough along in my recovery <--you know what I mean to be ok just blocking the shit out of this stuff.

The warehouse guy - we FB chatted for 10 minutes (I would NEVER have remembered his last name.  His first name is Ralph which always made me laugh.  How he remembered me is a real mystery) he asked me if I'm married and then said I was still as pretty as he remembered.  Yeah, I heard the same thing you just did and shut that down pretty quickly.

He also brought up a guy Todd who I had briefly dated and treated like absolute crap.  I mean, I really was not a nice person to this Todd guy.  That name made me shut the talking down quick - if they are still friends, then this Ralph guy has heard the stories from the Todd guy, and who on earth would try and contact a woman like that?  (yes yes I'm a special snowflake NOW but that was a seriously bad decision me over in that timeline - who decides that's a good old friend to contact?)

*************

ALL of this makes me think that The Universe is doing one of 2 things, maybe:

1.  Here is your old life.  Look, all these people are still there!  You could start conversations, start flirting with married men again, start hanging around drinkers and smokers - PAR TAY!

2.  Here bunny - look where you were.  Now look where you are.  You've come so far from that Twilight Zone of a life.  You've worked SO HARD.  You aren't like that anymore (I just started getting weepy writing that - this must be the real point).

Seriously I'm crying I need to take a break here.

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Edited.  I went and planted some plants in new pots and turned on some good music (Lyle Lovett of course, with some Mark Knopfler thrown in) and had myself a good think.  Here's my thought.

I am being pushed by the Universe.  Into a new 'season' of life.  The actual second half.  I'm done being a parent - I mean, really done at this point - Mike just got engaged!  And that is a mind-fuck right there in a way, but in a good way.  He and I are still very close - it's just - oh hell.  Sunrise, sunset, blah blah.

And my whole life is changing now.  (still crying like a blubbering fool here) I have to come to terms with many things, I think middle age can be hard on lots of people.  But my creative side is being given a push (just sent off my check for the mosaic class!) and my mothering life is gently being untied from my fingers (waaahhh!) and my FORMER life - the old, scared, running, abused life...  Not only is that over, long over, but I've spent so long LEARNING from it.  (that learning part will never be over).  BUT

I'm being told to forgive myself.  I'm being told to really, REALLY, forgive myself.  Because I did the best I could.  I knew that intellectually of course - but I'm seeing it really clearly through my soul these days.  And I need to also forgive those who done me wrong - those Misfit Toys I was hurt by and who I hurt.  Because, obviously, same goes.  Those messages were a year old.  But I wasn't ready a year ago.  I wasn't ready to look at this stuff and forgive myself.  I'm ready now.  So I was made to wait until the right time to find those.

Because The Universe, that sexy beast, is telling me this next phase will be so much nicer if I'm not dragging all those raggedy ghosts with me.  I don't know yet how to forgive the abusers.  But I'm assuming that portion wont be FORGIVE so much as it will be just LET IT GO.  Because where I stand now?  Forgiving that sort of thing is impossible.

So working on forgiveness.  Of me.  Of my many mistakes.  And that is hard, so very hard.  Because I was taught to hate myself.  And oh boy, have I spent a lifetime hating me.  I don't know how to love me.

5 comments:

  1. Wow. Deep breath. You maybe needed to look back to see how far you've really come. I got nothing on forgiveness cuz I seem to be spectacularly bad at that (I'm a grudge-fucker), but letting go is maybe the real meaning of forgiveness.

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    1. hee. grudge fucker. I AM A GRUDGE FUCKER TOO.

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    2. I got that term from one of the jailers where I work. She's a grudge fucker and a genius.

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  2. I'm guessing my part in this was getting you to look at "other"?
    This kinda "body slam" experience came to me the 1st time I took AA's Step 4...the personal inventory step. I didn't like who I was and hadn't for years but didn't have the balls (skills?) to do anything about it. Anyway, it hit me I HAD to do something about it in order to get rid of the guilt, shame and self-hate. The journey to a new me isn't over but my life has completely changed for the better.
    As for the forgiveness thing...I forgave MYSELF 1st. My family is another issue. I accept them exactly as they are (assholes) and have abandoned my dreams that they'll ever change, however, as long as they continue to search for ways to mind-fuck me I will not forgive them.
    Some time ago while I was still blogging I visited the folks for the last time. It ended with one of the old man's rages, the old girl silently nodding her head and smiling and my beloved kid crying all the way home. I know now we both needed it in order to say, "I'm done." I'm thinking that might be what you got from the "other" messages...except mine of course, that one was awesome!

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  3. I hope you can forgive yourself too. Sometimes the old ghosts can crawl out and remind you of painful things you grew beyond. I had the FB thing of befriending an old friend, we had some political differences, but then recently a conversation triggered me, where I disagreed with him on something and the namecalling began. He called me a "selfish twat". I thought to myself when I was friends with this guy and his sister, I had just left the house of narcissists and found new ones--knowing that was what I was used to, and realized the "friendship" had been dsyfunctional from the start. I put up with way too much crap from this fellow, he was a roommate for a time and I faced facts he was and is a narcissist too and cold to the max. So my previous "bad friend" choices have bit me in the butt on Facebook.

    One thing too was finally finding my old childhood best friend, who never writes me on there, and didn't answer a letter but friended me. She had turned into a very wealthy DC lawyer. What was she going to say to someone like me who lives in poverty and is disabled. That unsettled me. I had the misgivings, and cried and said "How did my life go so wrong?" Yes I know some sin of envy and other weird feelings.

    In this case I looked for her and not the other way around. I barely dated due to Aspergers so no old boyfriends but that would be horrible to see them slinking back by.

    My family doesn't deserve my forgiveness as they will never repent.

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