Sunday, November 16, 2014

I'm not scared anymore. Holy Cats.

Past, Present, Future
Maiden Mother Crone
Father, Son, Holy Spirit
Always, there is magic and power in three.

After all, Schoolhouse Rock declared 3 a magic number back in 1973:

"Three is a magic number.

Yes it is, it's a magic number.

Somewhere in the ancient, mystic trinity
You get three as a magic number.
The past and the present and the future,
Faith and hope and charity,
The heart and the brain and the body
Give you three.
That's a magic number."

The trinity that most fascinates me right now is the Maiden, Mother, Crone.

I spoke already about my first two thirds of my life, what I now see as the Maiden and then Mother cycles.  (Although, not technically a 'maiden' after I was 19, but you get my drift.)  It seems so amazing to me that these 3 mystical cycles of life are lining up so neatly with the 3 cycles of my own life.  Completely, mathematically, logically (to me anyway) lining up to my life.

Maiden, Mother, Crone moon symbolism
I've always embraced the witchy world, since I found it.  Call it Paganism, or Spirituality - or the religion Wicca but I do not follow any religion.  The nature-based aspect of it - as a woman, my ties to the moon and the tides run all through me.  I feel much more at home and holy near the ocean, outside, than I ever could indoors at a church.

[as I am writing the past two days, a big fat crow has sat in the palm tree right outside my patio and SCRAWKED at me for like 10 minutes!  I went out there and said hello and my Charlie Dawg went with me and just looked at him, because that crow would NOT shut the hell up and he was looking right at us!  snapped a couple pics and he finally flew off I HEAR YOU UNIVERSE JEEBUS]


What does this last third of life mean?  well, mean to ME as this is my blog and my mental regurgitation (you're welcome!)

This one cracks me the hell up - yeah, 'sposed to be all MYSTICAL but that hair, that leaping.  It's ME!
In my 'Maiden' cycle, it was all about crazy, seriously bat crap crazy.  Undiagnosed manic-depression (diagnosed at menopause as POST mania.  Yes, I can't get out of bed there is no more mania THANKS DOC).  Running from childhood fears and scared out of my mind that someone, anyone, would find out what a fraud I was and take away my 'life' card.  Oh man, when I look back with the clarity of all these years, I was one scared little girl.  And I had every right to be.  The mental, physical and sexual abuse I had been subjected to had taught me to fear everything, every one.

In my 'Mother' cycle - i was a MOM!  I was good at it, but I was flailing away with the only tools I had - what I called a ball-peen hammer and a melon baller.  I was still scared but not running so much.  I still felt like a fraud in EVERY aspect but motherhood.  I had no experience with it, but man I took to it like a duck to water.  The end of this cycle has been slooowly coming.  It was very, VERY difficult to let go of the Mother cycle.  Menopause almost killed me, almost ruined my marriage.  And letting go of Mike was/is a more forcefully peeling away my fingers than it was/is just a graceful letting go.  But I did it.  I raised up a wonderful grown kid.  I DID IT.  I'm prouder of that than anything.  But I was still very scared - I used to ask myself 'if I am not a mother what is my point?' - seriously.  Without motherhood I was (I felt) nothing and nobody.  Mike defined me.  Made my life REAL.  I was very scared to let go.

This cycle also saw me start to get smart about my broken child abused self.  I met and married Jeff, which was the smartest decision I ever made, really.  I moved geographically away from Abuse Central, as far as I could and not really piss off Mike's dad lol.  I got my first real, actual,l DEDICATED job and did it for 5 years like a goddamned champ.  They STILL want me to come back.  I started a LOT of work on me - work that has ended up bringing me here - to this blog, to all of you - to the knowledge that my childhood WAS a fucked up mess and I wasn't just a big fat baby.  It brought me absolutely the JOY of getting to the other side of this mountain - certainly there will be more mountains to climb but this - discovering I am an ACoN - discovering that I have A CHOICE if I want people in my life! <--huge deal, right there - discovering that I am a pretty funny amazing person all in my own right.  That the things I DON'T know how to do do not define me.

Discovering that I AM OK.

and again, while writing this stuff down, I am getting all tearful.  This has so much meaning for me - I feel like I'm graduating from school.  Not finished, oh hellz no, there is still the advanced degree to get - but now I know I CAN DO IT.  

Oh hell - here it is - I'm not scared anymore I AM CRYING FULL ON NOW

I'm not scared anymore.

I didn't have any idea that was coming.  Not until I typed that up there.  

Fear has been a burden - SUCH A BURDEN for me.  Scared of me.  Scared of what people thought.  Scared I was doing 'it' wrong.  Scared I was going to say the wrong thing.  Scared my skirt would be tucked up into my underpants at some point.  Scared someone would yell at me or criticize me or not like me.  SCARED.  Living in fear.  Nervous as a long-tail cat in a room full of rocking chairs.  Terrified of slamming doors or walking in heels or talking to people or.....

If I can offer you any hope - any of you starting out on this journey to discover all the ghosts and haints in your childhood - trying to throw open windows and SEE (Jonsi) the truth - discovering YOU and all of that - the hope is this.  At the end, maybe, you wont ever be scared any more.  A ringing phone or email notification wont send you running to the bathroom with diarrhea. You maybe wont need a xanax prior to a holiday meal.  Or even a glass of wine!  You'll be safe - because YOU will be keeping you safe in your own arms.  You will discover, maybe, how to take really good care of you.  and you wont be scared anymore.


  1. You know what else? I'm done researching NPD. I'm done researching anything to do with it. I still have blogs on my sidebar that I read, because I've 'met' those writers, and I love them - they all have been insturmental in my getting to this place. But I deleted about 100 links today from my favorites on my computer regarding NPD. A LOT of it was completely voyeuristic on my part - peeking into windows to reassure myself I wasn't THAT bad, my life wasn't THAT bad.

    There are SO MANY BLOGS, aren't there? It makes my unspeakably sad - there are hundreds more now than even the few years ago when I started my own. There is so much community out there. WE ARE NOT ALONE.

    But I have reached my limit on the negativity of it. I just can't anymore. My life is too good, too full, to spend so much time wrapped up in sorrow and abuse. (and the crow is back. lol)

  2. As long as we search for answers and do research about the fuck ups that made fear the #1 emotion in our lives, they're still living rent free in our heads. I remember that glorious moment when I realized all the researching and searching would never change them and I no longer cared because I was quite simply DONE with having their shit in my life. End of story, end of my blog. Deleted everything I had ever written online and off.
    Found an all new drama-free life!

  3. OMG how come I didn't see this post. I'm going to be printing it up and taking the last part about fear and making that my daily reading.

  4. (Just saw this-I've been gone for a couple weeks)
    Ohh, yes, yes, yes! "I'm not scared anymore" is such a fan-fookin'-tastic feeling isn't it?! Yk, there's a kind of an over-all internal confidence and peace that IMO evolves from this "place" of being. After you've survived war, famine and pestilence etc. what could ever _completely_ trash your world as happened in the past? No matter what ever else life throws your way going forward, you'll deal and work your way through it. You now KNOW right to the depths of your very being you will be OK, you will muddle through, you will succeed. It may not be "pretty" or PC but it will be honest, genuine and an unvarnished, unapologetic reflection of you in every way. It's no longer about feeling like a fraud (I really get that!) but understanding you DO have talents, gifts and personal qualities etc. that are rightfully acknowledged by others. My past is an important part of who I am, but it doesn't define me in totality: yes, I'm that, but I'm also OTHER stuff besides my past. In some areas it obviously informs my present-and that's IMO a good thing so I don't continue to make the same blunders. I'm learning my personal themes and "Lessons in Life."
    Maybe you just never believed in yourself or saw yourself in the same light as others have and continue to do? It's finally settling in-"Yeah, I CAN do this/I DO have this ability, personal quality etc." No, that doesn't necessarily translate into winning the (financial) lottery, but no longer being consumed by worry and the "good enoughs" because hey, if people really knew what a (fill in the blank) I REALLY am, they'd KNOW I don't DESERVE (fill in the blank.)
    Yeah ya do!
    There's some really interesting stuff that comes with age: If nothing else, as I tell my friends, "When everything on the outside starts falling apart, everything on the inside starts coming together." I just wish it didn't take a lifetime to work that way ;)
    I love this Post too-thanks!